Nowadays, I noticed that my brain has become very dull.
I wonder if the chemicals and heavy metals from the chemo and all the tests are clogging my brain and made it sluggish.
Originally, I have never been very good at civilities, but now it seemed to be worse.
I noticed that on numerous occasions where an appropriate civil response should be expected from me in answer to a polite comment, I had always remain silent, at most giving a smile.
Sometimes, the reply was in my mind but not a sound came out from my mouth. It looks like there is some communication problem between different parts of my brain.
It is like someone throwing a ball to me. I can see the ball coming and I know I should raised my hands to catch it, but somehow there is no reaction from me and I just let the ball bounced off me. It is so weird.
Another thing is my memory. It is like a sieve now, full of holes. Sometimes, I needed to take something from the room, but after a few steps, I could not remember why I am heading in that direction and for what purpose. I had to retrace my steps and try hard to recall what it was that I was supposed to be doing.
Sometimes, I got my appointment times and dates mixed up too. Now, I cannot depend on my memory and have to check my information constantly. It is frustrating.
Tuesday, 14 October 2008
Tuesday, 7 October 2008
My "bucket" list
My son borrowed this movie, "The Bucket List", a few days ago. It's a very interesting movie, and it is about 2 men with cancer, a poor man and a very rich man, who met in the hospital, owned by the rich man. They made a wish list of things they wanted to accomplish before they 'kick the bucket'. They spent the last days of their lives together doing all kinds of things and visiting places. The poor man was company for the rich and the rich man paid picked up all the tabs. What a neat arrangement.
I have my own list too, but it is more a 'to do list' and very different from 'the bucket list'. I have another list too, my wish list, and this will probably consists of things or events which are out of my control, but will be nice if some of the items listed could be achieved. As days passed, I will most likely be updating both lists.
I hope to be able to complete all the items in my 'to do list' before I kick the bucket.
1. Plan my funeral - just started and checking on stuff
2. Write my will - near completion, waiting for certain stuff
3. Clear out all the junk - a mammoth task which I have already started
Item 3 is so daunting and so time-consuming. For some stuff, it is clear-cut whether I want to keep or throw, but for some others, its like to throw or not to throw, that's when I have to use the deciding factor, i.e. will my family or anyone else still need this when I am not around?
4. Write letters to my kids (borrowed idea) - not started yet
I have other items in mind but I am not committing them to print yet as it will all depend on my time and energy level.
The future is so uncertain and I don't know how much time I have left, or rather I don't know exactly know when I will be going. I survived chemo and my cancer is under control, but I have this risk of losing consciousness, keeling over and maybe cracking my head and maybe not coming out of it. It will be so ironic and pathetic to be done in like that after what I have gone through.
Anyway, I don't know when it will happen or if it will ever happen, but I am not worrying about that. If I am going to let myself be bothered by that, I will have to wear a safety helmet and live in a padded room and have someone watching over me all the time. No, I love my freedom, and I have my bucket list to see to and that's going to keep me busy for some time to come.
I have my own list too, but it is more a 'to do list' and very different from 'the bucket list'. I have another list too, my wish list, and this will probably consists of things or events which are out of my control, but will be nice if some of the items listed could be achieved. As days passed, I will most likely be updating both lists.
I hope to be able to complete all the items in my 'to do list' before I kick the bucket.
1. Plan my funeral - just started and checking on stuff
2. Write my will - near completion, waiting for certain stuff
3. Clear out all the junk - a mammoth task which I have already started
Item 3 is so daunting and so time-consuming. For some stuff, it is clear-cut whether I want to keep or throw, but for some others, its like to throw or not to throw, that's when I have to use the deciding factor, i.e. will my family or anyone else still need this when I am not around?
4. Write letters to my kids (borrowed idea) - not started yet
I have other items in mind but I am not committing them to print yet as it will all depend on my time and energy level.
The future is so uncertain and I don't know how much time I have left, or rather I don't know exactly know when I will be going. I survived chemo and my cancer is under control, but I have this risk of losing consciousness, keeling over and maybe cracking my head and maybe not coming out of it. It will be so ironic and pathetic to be done in like that after what I have gone through.
Anyway, I don't know when it will happen or if it will ever happen, but I am not worrying about that. If I am going to let myself be bothered by that, I will have to wear a safety helmet and live in a padded room and have someone watching over me all the time. No, I love my freedom, and I have my bucket list to see to and that's going to keep me busy for some time to come.
11th(?) Dose of Herceptin
6 Oct 2008, Monday - Went to NCC for another dose of herceptin. I have got the usual again, two panadols and the pre-med, benadryl, that always left me drowsy. This drowsiness always lasts a long time for me that after the iv, I would rush home by cab and go to sleep. Not too sure if this is going to be my last dose as my onco has not pre-booked any dates for me until my appointment with her on 3 November 2008.
What a pleasant surprise! I met some members of the TRC at NCC. If it had not been for M, I would not have been able to recognise H, whom I met more than a year ago. H has a relapse and is undergoing treatment. I thought I might have seen H there recently but I wasn't very sure, for NCC is not a place where one goes looking for friends, unless we are aware that someone we know is receiving treatment there. I enjoyed the chit-chat and catching-up.
We must have seemed so lively that we attracted another breast cancer patient, also a relapse case, who was there for treatment. I hadn't known all the members of TRC and thought she was one until the rest left and she asked what group we were with. She has left me her contact card.
The chance meeting must have left me excited because my blood pressure went up to 150.
On the other hand, my weight has gone down a little. I am not too sure if it is weight loss or loss of fluid in my right arm and lungs.
It is not everytime that I meet someone I know at NCC, but today after the TRC members left, I saw someone else whom I was introduced to just some months back. She had another relapse and this is her third round of chemo. First, it was her breast, then her bones and now it's her liver. I wasn't sure how many doses it is going to be for this round as I didn't have much time to catch up with her because the nurse was waiting for me.
I happened to be sharing a room with a male patient, a retired civil servant, with colon cancer that has spread to his bones and liver. He asked about my treatment and response and commented that I looked very positive, which prompted his wife to tell him to be positive too. Probably, because he heard me telling the nurse that I had met some friends outside. Yes, no point wasting energy worrying about it.
He mentioned that his doctor said that his condition is terminal and wanted to know if I was taking anything else. I told him I was also on ayurvedic medicine, but maybe he found it too expensive after I told him how much it cost as he didn't ask for more details.
If I am asked about my alternative treatments I will tell but I am not for pushing others to go for it too, as I feel that one must be prepared to take it at their own risk and that if it works for me, there is no guarantee that it will work for others too. However, if anyone is keen, I wouldn't mind sharing.
I ought to mention that I am on more than one alternative treatment. The other is Carnivora.
What a pleasant surprise! I met some members of the TRC at NCC. If it had not been for M, I would not have been able to recognise H, whom I met more than a year ago. H has a relapse and is undergoing treatment. I thought I might have seen H there recently but I wasn't very sure, for NCC is not a place where one goes looking for friends, unless we are aware that someone we know is receiving treatment there. I enjoyed the chit-chat and catching-up.
We must have seemed so lively that we attracted another breast cancer patient, also a relapse case, who was there for treatment. I hadn't known all the members of TRC and thought she was one until the rest left and she asked what group we were with. She has left me her contact card.
The chance meeting must have left me excited because my blood pressure went up to 150.
On the other hand, my weight has gone down a little. I am not too sure if it is weight loss or loss of fluid in my right arm and lungs.
It is not everytime that I meet someone I know at NCC, but today after the TRC members left, I saw someone else whom I was introduced to just some months back. She had another relapse and this is her third round of chemo. First, it was her breast, then her bones and now it's her liver. I wasn't sure how many doses it is going to be for this round as I didn't have much time to catch up with her because the nurse was waiting for me.
I happened to be sharing a room with a male patient, a retired civil servant, with colon cancer that has spread to his bones and liver. He asked about my treatment and response and commented that I looked very positive, which prompted his wife to tell him to be positive too. Probably, because he heard me telling the nurse that I had met some friends outside. Yes, no point wasting energy worrying about it.
He mentioned that his doctor said that his condition is terminal and wanted to know if I was taking anything else. I told him I was also on ayurvedic medicine, but maybe he found it too expensive after I told him how much it cost as he didn't ask for more details.
If I am asked about my alternative treatments I will tell but I am not for pushing others to go for it too, as I feel that one must be prepared to take it at their own risk and that if it works for me, there is no guarantee that it will work for others too. However, if anyone is keen, I wouldn't mind sharing.
I ought to mention that I am on more than one alternative treatment. The other is Carnivora.
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