Received the following update via sms from M :
"Just saw LY. She has lost weight. Could remember my name. Not able to take solid food. Told LM (LY's sister) that you would not be able to see LY this week."
I hope to be able to recover well enough to visit LY next week.
Tuesday, 30 June 2009
H1N1 quarantine
A few days ago, EW sent me a concoction for preventing H1N1 flu. I was just back from a 4-day trip to Malaysia, was dog-tired and didn't get to try it out. I don't know whether it would have worked, as a couple of days later, my husband caught the flu.
Thursday, 25 June, 50 of my husband's colleagues were sent home for quarantine after one of the colleagues was confirmed a H1N1 case.
My husband was fine when he left for work in the morning, but towards the end of the day, he became unwell. After work, he went to our family doctor, who advised him to go home and call 993 for an ambulance. I was at a function and couldn't understand why he wasn't sent from the clinic as my 2 younger kids were home. I reached home about an hour after my husband and was surprised to find him still at home. I found out later that, as there were so many cases now, the wait for the ambulance would be long, that's why the clinic advised him to call and wait at home.
My husband was told the wait would be 45 mins. I called 993 when the ambulance did not turn up. In answer to my queries, they confirmed that my husband's call was logged, that the wait would be more than 2 hours and not 45 mins, that the one who said 45 mins was a new staff (probably temporary), that it would take 6 hours for test results to be out, and that preferably my husband should go alone.
The ambulance finally came after more than 2 hours. The attendants called for my husband to go down. My son accompanied him down and told me that my husband boarded the ambulance by himself. He was walking-fit and the virus is highly contagious, so the less contact the better.
My husband was initially told that he would be sent to CGH but later they called again and confirmed that he would be going to TTSH instead.
As he went in late at night, his blood samples were only taken at about 2 - 3 in the morning. Friday morning, my husband was told that the results would only be out at the end of the day. In the meantime, he would be sent home by ambulance to wait for the results. If it is positive, then they would send another ambulance to fetch him back to the hospital. In fact, he was sent back by a taxi specially arranged by the hospital.
Before he reached home, the hospital called looking for him. I gave them his mobile number. They called and the taxi sent him back to hospital because his results were positive.
His case was classified as mild, and they had initially wanted him to be quarantined at home, but he declined as the kids were home. They wanted to discharge him on Saturday, but he asked to stay until Sunday instead.
My son, who is working temporarily in a bank, was told by his company to stay home. No directives were given to us, so I called the hotline and was advised to preferably stay indoors, and that if there was a quarantine order, we would get it within 24 hours. None came.
I went to the ayurvedic master to collect medicine for the kids and myself. I developed a slight throat iritation and a mild cough. I missed a talk at the NCC on Saturday. Unfortunately, I would not be able to visit LY for some days. Thanks to HH and M of TRC for checking on us and offering help with the provisions and grocery, but we are managing ok.
Sunday afternoon, my husband came home, and was to serve out the rest of his medical leave, till Thursday, under home quarantine.
No doubt the virus was not as harmful as originally thought, but it is still highly contagious, and I find having an infected one on home quarantine very trying. Although my condition is stable now and 'in the pink of health', I am not as physically fit as before, but it would not have been so bad if only the skin on my hands are not so darn sensitive.
On top of that, I have 3 kids at home and I am especially worried for the second one who is having her exams now. My son, who is counting his dollars earned before he starts uni in August, is sorely missing out on his earnings, and itching to get back to work. I am still keeping the youngest at home as she is just recovering from cough and runny nose.
My husband has confined himself to the master bedroom which fortunately has an attached bathroom. And he had room service - food served to his door at meal times.
We gave him his phone charger and re-directed all his calls to his mobile phone. And he used his mobile to call the house phone for stuffs.
I did his laundry seperate from the rest and added a fair amount of vinegar to the wash, in the hope that the vinegar could take care of whatever little vermins on his clothes.
I have vinegar, antiseptic alcohol disinfectant (from my surgery days) and pine disinfectant (ayurvedic) and I used them alternately to clean the surfaces where my husband comes in contact with. As a result, the already sensitive skin on my hands itched like crazy now, even though I used disposable gloves, essential oil, medicated oil and hand cream and also soaking them in hot milk. I have also turned the hair dryer on them and grabbed a cupful of hot water to stop the itch.
I do wish to have my mum's maid over to help me, but my mum cannot be trusted to be left alone. She has high blood pressure, high cholesterol and just diagnosed diabetic not so long ago, and yet at every opportunity she would sneak out and gorged on food that she had been advised to avoid or cut down. Like, she could finished the whole box of durian all by herself, and the old aunties are always offering sinful stuff like pig's legs that she is always glad to receive.
It is tough to have healthy family members and highly contagious ones together. Every time we step out for necessities, we have to bear in mind to minimise contact and not get too close to others just in case we carry some germs ourselves.
I can't wait for the whole episode to be over. I think I need a break after that.
Thursday, 25 June, 50 of my husband's colleagues were sent home for quarantine after one of the colleagues was confirmed a H1N1 case.
My husband was fine when he left for work in the morning, but towards the end of the day, he became unwell. After work, he went to our family doctor, who advised him to go home and call 993 for an ambulance. I was at a function and couldn't understand why he wasn't sent from the clinic as my 2 younger kids were home. I reached home about an hour after my husband and was surprised to find him still at home. I found out later that, as there were so many cases now, the wait for the ambulance would be long, that's why the clinic advised him to call and wait at home.
My husband was told the wait would be 45 mins. I called 993 when the ambulance did not turn up. In answer to my queries, they confirmed that my husband's call was logged, that the wait would be more than 2 hours and not 45 mins, that the one who said 45 mins was a new staff (probably temporary), that it would take 6 hours for test results to be out, and that preferably my husband should go alone.
The ambulance finally came after more than 2 hours. The attendants called for my husband to go down. My son accompanied him down and told me that my husband boarded the ambulance by himself. He was walking-fit and the virus is highly contagious, so the less contact the better.
My husband was initially told that he would be sent to CGH but later they called again and confirmed that he would be going to TTSH instead.
As he went in late at night, his blood samples were only taken at about 2 - 3 in the morning. Friday morning, my husband was told that the results would only be out at the end of the day. In the meantime, he would be sent home by ambulance to wait for the results. If it is positive, then they would send another ambulance to fetch him back to the hospital. In fact, he was sent back by a taxi specially arranged by the hospital.
Before he reached home, the hospital called looking for him. I gave them his mobile number. They called and the taxi sent him back to hospital because his results were positive.
His case was classified as mild, and they had initially wanted him to be quarantined at home, but he declined as the kids were home. They wanted to discharge him on Saturday, but he asked to stay until Sunday instead.
My son, who is working temporarily in a bank, was told by his company to stay home. No directives were given to us, so I called the hotline and was advised to preferably stay indoors, and that if there was a quarantine order, we would get it within 24 hours. None came.
I went to the ayurvedic master to collect medicine for the kids and myself. I developed a slight throat iritation and a mild cough. I missed a talk at the NCC on Saturday. Unfortunately, I would not be able to visit LY for some days. Thanks to HH and M of TRC for checking on us and offering help with the provisions and grocery, but we are managing ok.
Sunday afternoon, my husband came home, and was to serve out the rest of his medical leave, till Thursday, under home quarantine.
No doubt the virus was not as harmful as originally thought, but it is still highly contagious, and I find having an infected one on home quarantine very trying. Although my condition is stable now and 'in the pink of health', I am not as physically fit as before, but it would not have been so bad if only the skin on my hands are not so darn sensitive.
On top of that, I have 3 kids at home and I am especially worried for the second one who is having her exams now. My son, who is counting his dollars earned before he starts uni in August, is sorely missing out on his earnings, and itching to get back to work. I am still keeping the youngest at home as she is just recovering from cough and runny nose.
My husband has confined himself to the master bedroom which fortunately has an attached bathroom. And he had room service - food served to his door at meal times.
We gave him his phone charger and re-directed all his calls to his mobile phone. And he used his mobile to call the house phone for stuffs.
I did his laundry seperate from the rest and added a fair amount of vinegar to the wash, in the hope that the vinegar could take care of whatever little vermins on his clothes.
I have vinegar, antiseptic alcohol disinfectant (from my surgery days) and pine disinfectant (ayurvedic) and I used them alternately to clean the surfaces where my husband comes in contact with. As a result, the already sensitive skin on my hands itched like crazy now, even though I used disposable gloves, essential oil, medicated oil and hand cream and also soaking them in hot milk. I have also turned the hair dryer on them and grabbed a cupful of hot water to stop the itch.
I do wish to have my mum's maid over to help me, but my mum cannot be trusted to be left alone. She has high blood pressure, high cholesterol and just diagnosed diabetic not so long ago, and yet at every opportunity she would sneak out and gorged on food that she had been advised to avoid or cut down. Like, she could finished the whole box of durian all by herself, and the old aunties are always offering sinful stuff like pig's legs that she is always glad to receive.
It is tough to have healthy family members and highly contagious ones together. Every time we step out for necessities, we have to bear in mind to minimise contact and not get too close to others just in case we carry some germs ourselves.
I can't wait for the whole episode to be over. I think I need a break after that.
Wednesday, 24 June 2009
Need to take on the drug companies?
"FOSAMAX®, ZOMETA®, AREDIA®, ACTONEL®
These drugs have been linked to Osteonecrosis of the jaw (also known as "Dead Jaw", "BisPhossy Jaw" and "Jaw Necrosis").If you or a loved one have taken any of these “Bisphosphonates” and suffered from necrosis of the jawbone, Osteonecrosis of the Jaw (ONJ) or other jaw bone problems or side effects, you may be due compensation."
The above statement was taken from the website of Powell Law Firm, L.C., a law firm based in California, USA, that is offering its services to anyone who wants to take on the drug companies. They have formed a team of experienced lawyers that can represent anyone (not only in the US but internationally as well) against the drug companies.
According to their website, "you pay no attorney fees unless we recover compensation for you".
For more information, please visit their website. Please also take note of their disclaimer.
They can be reached 24/7 at 1-866-429-0715.
These drugs have been linked to Osteonecrosis of the jaw (also known as "Dead Jaw", "BisPhossy Jaw" and "Jaw Necrosis").If you or a loved one have taken any of these “Bisphosphonates” and suffered from necrosis of the jawbone, Osteonecrosis of the Jaw (ONJ) or other jaw bone problems or side effects, you may be due compensation."
The above statement was taken from the website of Powell Law Firm, L.C., a law firm based in California, USA, that is offering its services to anyone who wants to take on the drug companies. They have formed a team of experienced lawyers that can represent anyone (not only in the US but internationally as well) against the drug companies.
According to their website, "you pay no attorney fees unless we recover compensation for you".
For more information, please visit their website. Please also take note of their disclaimer.
They can be reached 24/7 at 1-866-429-0715.
LY - update
I visited LY at the hospice today when she was having her lunch.
She couldn't recall my name, but she could relate me to the ayurvedic treatment. According to her son, who was with her and helping her with her lunch, LY's memory is quite erratic. She is having backache but no sharp pain.
Her condition appeared to be stable though I couldn't see any improvement in her mobility.
With her immobile condition, she needs constant turning and proping up with pillows and change of position to prevent bed sores. It's going to be tough especially with an aching back. Fortunately, she could sleep and she did just that soon after she finished her lunch.
She couldn't recall my name, but she could relate me to the ayurvedic treatment. According to her son, who was with her and helping her with her lunch, LY's memory is quite erratic. She is having backache but no sharp pain.
Her condition appeared to be stable though I couldn't see any improvement in her mobility.
With her immobile condition, she needs constant turning and proping up with pillows and change of position to prevent bed sores. It's going to be tough especially with an aching back. Fortunately, she could sleep and she did just that soon after she finished her lunch.
Alternative preventive measure against H1N1
Just received email from EW on alternative preventive measure against H1N1. It is from her friend who is studying Chinese medicine.
Use 9 star anise, 6 cups of water, boil in earthern pot if possible and avoid steel/metal pot.
Use 9 star anise, 6 cups of water, boil in earthern pot if possible and avoid steel/metal pot.
Boil for about 30-40 mins until about 4 cups left. Drink twicely daily over the flu period. Above volume good for 2 adults per day, twice daily, half a cup each time.
For children, half that portion.
Caution though, you may feel dizzy for a few minutes, according to him, this is ok.
To add flavour, add couple of red dates (remove seed before boiling).
According to my ayurvedic master, this flu season is going to last till August. His advice is to build up the immune system and stay away from the beach, where the heat is worse, both coming from the top and the ground.Thursday, 18 June 2009
LY - update
Visited LY at the hospice on Wednesday afternoon. She was sleeping when I got there and her sister was there keeping her company.
Her pudgy-looking left hand has gone down a bit. She still has no strength to move herself and her legs. But, at least she can still move her arms and feed herself. M, who was there earlier with HH, mentioned that her eyes looked yellow, and I recalled too that her eyes did appear slightly yellowish.
She could talk and thanked me several times for visiting her.
I still find it hard to believe that her condition has deteriorated so fast. On 29 Nov, 2008, we had attended a support group outing at the Hort Park, and had even gone for a walk on the bridges nearby (with a doctor keeping an eye on the whole group), and she had looked fine then. That was just barely 7 months ago, and now she is lying in bed, with the exception of her arms, she is practically immobile.
I did a search on the net and found the following :
Side effects (source : Gale Encyclopedia of Cancer)
http://www.encyclopedia.com/doc/1G2-3405200156.html
"Suppression of bone marrow function is the principal adverse side effect associated with docetaxel treatment. Blood tests will allow a doctor to determine if there is adequate bone marrow function to begin or continue treatment. Hypersensitivity and fluid retention may also occur during treatment. Corticosteroids are administered prior to treatment to help alleviate these side effects. Ulceration of the mouth and surrounding areas is possible. Additional side effects, including fever , decrease in blood pressure, nausea and vomiting , diarrhea , pain, abnormal liver function, skin rash, nerve damage, and hair loss (alopecia) may occur. "
It says a side effect of docetaxel (taxotere) is nerve damage.
After two-thirds of the first dose :
I remembered squatting down to pick up a piece of paper near my hospital bed and couldn't stand up.
I had very bad back ache and had problem sleeping. I could not turn myself and had to grip the bedsheet and mattress to turn myself over.
My leg were like rubber and I had to pull myself up the stairs using the handrail. The muscles in my calves were gone.
What if LY is having a nerve problem instead of metastasis to her spine?
She is in no pain.
She is not giddy or groggy.
She can only move her arms and not her other parts of her body.
Since her onco can't do anything for her, could she be started on vitamin B complex + B12 at this moment?
She is just lying there on the bed and I really feared that we may be too late if the problem is nerve damage instead of mets to the spine.
I will be doing more search on the drugs and her condition.
I feel like a wimp always complaining about my tiredness and lethargy and my weak legs, now I suspect it could be due the drugs.
Her pudgy-looking left hand has gone down a bit. She still has no strength to move herself and her legs. But, at least she can still move her arms and feed herself. M, who was there earlier with HH, mentioned that her eyes looked yellow, and I recalled too that her eyes did appear slightly yellowish.
She could talk and thanked me several times for visiting her.
I still find it hard to believe that her condition has deteriorated so fast. On 29 Nov, 2008, we had attended a support group outing at the Hort Park, and had even gone for a walk on the bridges nearby (with a doctor keeping an eye on the whole group), and she had looked fine then. That was just barely 7 months ago, and now she is lying in bed, with the exception of her arms, she is practically immobile.
I did a search on the net and found the following :
Side effects (source : Gale Encyclopedia of Cancer)
http://www.encyclopedia.com/doc/1G2-3405200156.html"Suppression of bone marrow function is the principal adverse side effect associated with docetaxel treatment. Blood tests will allow a doctor to determine if there is adequate bone marrow function to begin or continue treatment. Hypersensitivity and fluid retention may also occur during treatment. Corticosteroids are administered prior to treatment to help alleviate these side effects. Ulceration of the mouth and surrounding areas is possible. Additional side effects, including fever , decrease in blood pressure, nausea and vomiting , diarrhea , pain, abnormal liver function, skin rash, nerve damage, and hair loss (alopecia) may occur. "
It says a side effect of docetaxel (taxotere) is nerve damage.
After two-thirds of the first dose :
I remembered squatting down to pick up a piece of paper near my hospital bed and couldn't stand up.
I had very bad back ache and had problem sleeping. I could not turn myself and had to grip the bedsheet and mattress to turn myself over.
My leg were like rubber and I had to pull myself up the stairs using the handrail. The muscles in my calves were gone.
What if LY is having a nerve problem instead of metastasis to her spine?
She is in no pain.
She is not giddy or groggy.
She can only move her arms and not her other parts of her body.
Since her onco can't do anything for her, could she be started on vitamin B complex + B12 at this moment?
She is just lying there on the bed and I really feared that we may be too late if the problem is nerve damage instead of mets to the spine.
I will be doing more search on the drugs and her condition.
I feel like a wimp always complaining about my tiredness and lethargy and my weak legs, now I suspect it could be due the drugs.
Tuesday, 16 June 2009
Yours not to reason why
I belonged to a small but hopefully growing group of people who dared to take on and defy our doctors. It is therefore comforting for me indeed to come across Ms Lee Soh Hong and her website, where among other matters, she had posted about her encounters with doctors and their attitudes.
I have noticed that the oncologists (surgical and medical, haven't met the radiation ones, so no comment) at NCC, especially the senior ones are a tough bunch to reckon with. They have on an iron mask of a face and the coldness coming from them can chill you into silence and submission. If you so much as dared to venture forth with a question, the shortness and abruptness of the answer will put paid to whatever other questions that are swimming in your head, and whatever plans you have of challenging their decisions. Maybe, to them, we are the difficult patients, and hence the iron face mask, or else nothing can be achieved.
It really takes a lot of guts and defiance to stand up to them. I admit that with all the defiance I had, sometimes, I find their coldness and abruptness too disconcerting that I shelved whatever questions I had and gave in to submission with great reluctance.
The way they answered your questions and dished out their instructions and prescriptions is like :
yours not to reason why
yours not to make reply
yours but to let me jab you with chemo
and yours not to defy, or you die!
My family had been told that if I did not start on chemo straight away, I would have only 3 to 5 months left. When I wanted to stop chemo, I was told, "no bargaining, it's the board's decision".
It's so ironical that every once in a while the counter staff will shoved a survey questionnaire at me asking me to grade the standard of their service. I have no quarrels with the attitudes of the nurses and counter staff, who are usually the subject of the survey, but unfortunately, the attitudes of doctors leave much to be desired.
As Dr Mercola said, "whose body is it anyway?". Perhaps doctors should bear this in mind and that, while they can give advice, patients also have every right to say 'yes' or 'no'. Afterall, it's my body, it's my interest, it's my life, and my money too.
I have noticed that the oncologists (surgical and medical, haven't met the radiation ones, so no comment) at NCC, especially the senior ones are a tough bunch to reckon with. They have on an iron mask of a face and the coldness coming from them can chill you into silence and submission. If you so much as dared to venture forth with a question, the shortness and abruptness of the answer will put paid to whatever other questions that are swimming in your head, and whatever plans you have of challenging their decisions. Maybe, to them, we are the difficult patients, and hence the iron face mask, or else nothing can be achieved.
It really takes a lot of guts and defiance to stand up to them. I admit that with all the defiance I had, sometimes, I find their coldness and abruptness too disconcerting that I shelved whatever questions I had and gave in to submission with great reluctance.
The way they answered your questions and dished out their instructions and prescriptions is like :
yours not to reason why
yours not to make reply
yours but to let me jab you with chemo
and yours not to defy, or you die!
My family had been told that if I did not start on chemo straight away, I would have only 3 to 5 months left. When I wanted to stop chemo, I was told, "no bargaining, it's the board's decision".
It's so ironical that every once in a while the counter staff will shoved a survey questionnaire at me asking me to grade the standard of their service. I have no quarrels with the attitudes of the nurses and counter staff, who are usually the subject of the survey, but unfortunately, the attitudes of doctors leave much to be desired.
As Dr Mercola said, "whose body is it anyway?". Perhaps doctors should bear this in mind and that, while they can give advice, patients also have every right to say 'yes' or 'no'. Afterall, it's my body, it's my interest, it's my life, and my money too.
One year after chemo
My last dose of chemo was on 12 June 2008. It's been one year since and what's my condition now?
My memory is still as bad as ever and I supposed it can only go downhill as I aged.
The lymphedema in my right arm is still as lymphedemic as ever. I am more or less resigned to live with it for the rest of my life, as massaging and wearing a sleeve did not seem to help much and was only a temporary relief. Every morning, I wake up with a numbness in my right shoulder as though it is water-logged. As the day wore on and with the help of gravity, fluid seemed to move back down my arm and my shoulder is free again.
I realised I have also partially lost my sense of smell, the subtle ones, that is. But I could still smell the pungent ones, like smoke and my son's perfume. Not sure if it was due to chemo or because when I was on oxygen, my nose used to bleed and I always had to remove the dried blood from my nostrils.
I am still having digestive problems, which is my biggest concern as it could cause me to pass out, and I really hated that as I lose control over myself. I have to be very careful with what I eat, like avoiding food which are hard to digest, and also to ensure that my stomach does not stay hungry for too long. I have had several episodes of fainting spells and sometimes with excruciating pain in the duodenum. Very often, when my stomach feels bloated, I can also feel slight pain on the right side (duodenum?) of my stomach.
My legs are still weak, especially my knees which are tender when touched. I still require effort to stand up from a squating position. When standing up and walking away from a sitting position, the soles of my feet hurt.
I am still as lethargic as ever. I tire easily and need a lot of sleep. If I was out for a few hours, and depending on how much running around I have done, it would usually take me one to two days to recharge and recover.
The skin on my hands have become super sensitive, dry, cracked and itchy, even though I used cream and oils on them and also minimise washing as much as possible. I am still scratching them as I typed. I wonder if they will ever recover so that I can get on with the cooking, washing and cleaning.
I get slight breathlessness when walking up a slope or climbing stairs. The worst is when I rushed to catch the train. By the time I got into the train, I would really get breathless, almost "duan qi" and have to breathe like crazy for a few minutes to get my breath back.
Since January this year, I had a pea-sized lump on my right side above the elbow level. It is hard but not painful to the touch. The skin is always reddish and the lump has become slightly bigger now. I don't know what the heck it is - could be a cyst. Anyway, it's on my onco's records, and it's no cause for concern. I am monitoring it and it is not giving me problems.
Other than that I am doing fine and is out and running around. I supposed I just need to be patient and exercise more.
I have read from some website that sometimes it takes 10 years or longer to recover from the side-effects of chemo. 10 years, hah! Either the side-effects outlast me or I outlive the side-effects. Only time can tell.
My memory is still as bad as ever and I supposed it can only go downhill as I aged.
The lymphedema in my right arm is still as lymphedemic as ever. I am more or less resigned to live with it for the rest of my life, as massaging and wearing a sleeve did not seem to help much and was only a temporary relief. Every morning, I wake up with a numbness in my right shoulder as though it is water-logged. As the day wore on and with the help of gravity, fluid seemed to move back down my arm and my shoulder is free again.
I realised I have also partially lost my sense of smell, the subtle ones, that is. But I could still smell the pungent ones, like smoke and my son's perfume. Not sure if it was due to chemo or because when I was on oxygen, my nose used to bleed and I always had to remove the dried blood from my nostrils.
I am still having digestive problems, which is my biggest concern as it could cause me to pass out, and I really hated that as I lose control over myself. I have to be very careful with what I eat, like avoiding food which are hard to digest, and also to ensure that my stomach does not stay hungry for too long. I have had several episodes of fainting spells and sometimes with excruciating pain in the duodenum. Very often, when my stomach feels bloated, I can also feel slight pain on the right side (duodenum?) of my stomach.
My legs are still weak, especially my knees which are tender when touched. I still require effort to stand up from a squating position. When standing up and walking away from a sitting position, the soles of my feet hurt.
I am still as lethargic as ever. I tire easily and need a lot of sleep. If I was out for a few hours, and depending on how much running around I have done, it would usually take me one to two days to recharge and recover.
The skin on my hands have become super sensitive, dry, cracked and itchy, even though I used cream and oils on them and also minimise washing as much as possible. I am still scratching them as I typed. I wonder if they will ever recover so that I can get on with the cooking, washing and cleaning.
I get slight breathlessness when walking up a slope or climbing stairs. The worst is when I rushed to catch the train. By the time I got into the train, I would really get breathless, almost "duan qi" and have to breathe like crazy for a few minutes to get my breath back.
Since January this year, I had a pea-sized lump on my right side above the elbow level. It is hard but not painful to the touch. The skin is always reddish and the lump has become slightly bigger now. I don't know what the heck it is - could be a cyst. Anyway, it's on my onco's records, and it's no cause for concern. I am monitoring it and it is not giving me problems.
Other than that I am doing fine and is out and running around. I supposed I just need to be patient and exercise more.
I have read from some website that sometimes it takes 10 years or longer to recover from the side-effects of chemo. 10 years, hah! Either the side-effects outlast me or I outlive the side-effects. Only time can tell.
The man who questions chemotherapy : Dr. Ralph Moss
This article was taken from mercola.com. It is long, I know, but it is an elaboration of how I felt about chemo. and how I fight cancer. Maybe, I have been biased, as I subscribed to Dr Moss' free newsletter and such like.
The Man Who Questions Chemotherapy : Dr. Ralph Moss
The Man Who Questions Chemotherapy : Dr. Ralph Moss
*PERSONAL CONSULTATION: Dr. Moss offers written personal consultation/report for people with cancer, providing detailed information, up to 400 pages, on promising alternative treatments and their sources. The fee is $300. Follow-up written questions and answers are included. Call 1-800-980-1234 or 1-814-238-3367, 9AM-5PM EST, Monday-Friday. He also has a website: www.cancerdecisions.com
If you are interested in obtaining such a report, which is usually quite helpful and informative.
Dr. Ralph Moss has written the book, Questioning Chemotherapy, which documents the ineffectiveness of chemotherapy in treating most cancers. On November 19, 1977, he was fired for telling the public the truth. At a press conference on November 18th, he and the Second Opinion working group released a well-documented 48-page report that stated the top officials of the Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center had lied about the results of a study performed at the center regarding "Laetrile" -- (a natural, alternative cancer treatment).
Dr. Moss has gained credibility by writing eight books, including his most recent work, Cancer Therapy: The Independent Consumer's Guide to Non-Toxic Treatment. He also wrote The Cancer Industry, a documented research work telling of the enormous financial and political corruption in the "cancer establishment". He indicates that the motivating forces in cancer research and treatment are often power and money, and not the cure of cancer patients. He also writes, The Cancer Chronicles, a newsletter reporting on new cancer treatments and preventive measures.
Dr. Moss' work documents the ineffectiveness of chemotherapy on most forms of cancer. However, he is fair in pointing out that there are the following exceptions: Acute Iymphocytic leukemia, Hodgkin's disease, and nonseminomatous testicular cancer. Also, a few very rare forms of cancer, including choriocarcinoma, Wilm's tumor, and retinoblastoma. But all of these account for only 2% to 4% of all cancers occurring in the United States. This leaves some 96% to 98% of other cancers, in which chemotherapy doesn't eliminate the disease. The vast majority of cancers, such as breast, colon, and lung cancer are barely touched by chemotherapy. However, there is another category where chemotherapy has a relatively minor effect -- The most "successful" of these is in Stage 3 ovarian cancer, where chemotherapy appears to extend life by perhaps eighteen months, and small-cell lung cancer in which chemotherapy might offer six more months.
Effective cancer treatment is a matter of definition. The FDA defines an "effective" drug as one which achieves a 50% or more reduction in tumor size for 28 days. In the vast majority of cases there is absolutely no correlation between shrinking tumors for 28 days and the cure of the cancer or extension of life.
When the cancer patient hears the doctor say "effective," he or she thinks, and logically so, that "effective" means it cures cancer. But all it means is temporary tumor shrinkage.
Chemotherapy usually doesn't cure cancer or extend life, and it really does not improve the quality of the life either. Doctors frequently make this claim though. There are thousands of studies that were reviewed by Dr. Moss as part of the research for his book -- and there is not one single good study documenting this claim.
What patients consider "good quality of life" seems to differ from what the doctors consider. To most it is just common sense that a drug that makes you throw up, and lose your hair, and wrecks your immune system is not improving your quality of life. Chemotherapy can give you life-threatening mouth sores. People can slough the entire lining of the intestines! One longer-term effect is particularly tragic: people who've had chemotherapy no longer respond to nutritional or immunologically-based approaches to their cancers. And since chemotherapy doesn't cure 96% to 98% of all cancers anyway...People who take chemotherapy have sadly lost their chance of finding another sort of cure.
It's especially telling that in a number of surveys most chemotherapists have said they would not take chemotherapy themselves or recommend it for their families. Chemotherapy drugs are the most toxic substances ever put deliberately into the human body. They are known poisons, they are designed poisons. The whole thing began with experiments with "mustard gas," the horrible chemical-warfare agents from World War I.
Dr. Moss' position on chemotherapy is supported by many major students of the study of cancer treatment. Following are some examples: Dr. John Bailar is the chief of epidemiology at McGill University in Montreal and was formerly the editor of the Journal of the National Cancer Institute. In 1986 the New England Journal of Medicine published an article by Dr. Bailer and Dr. Elaine Smith, a colleague from the University of Iowa. Bailer and Smith wrote: "Some 35 years of intense and growing efforts to improve the treatment of cancer have not had much overall effect on the most fundamental measure of clinical outcome - death. The effort to control cancer has failed so far to obtain its objectives.
Dr. John Cairns, a professor of microbiology at Harvard, published his view in Scientific American in 1985, "that basically the war on cancer was a failure and that chemotherapy was not getting very far with the vast majority of cancers."
As far back as 1975, Nobel Laureate James Watson of DNA fame was quoted in the New York Times saying that the American public had been "sold a nasty bill of goods about cancer."
In 1991, Dr. Albert Braverman, Professor of Hematology and Oncology at the State University of New York, Brooklyn, published an article in Lancet titled "Medical Oncology in the 1990s," in which he wrote: "The time has come to cut back on the clinical investigation of new chemotherapeutic regimens for cancer and to cast a critical eye on the way chemotherapeutic treatment is now being administered."
Dr. Braverman says that there is no solid tumor incurable in 1976 that is curable today. Dr. Moss confirms this and claims that the greatest breakthrough in the objective study of chemotherapy came from a biostatistician at the University of Heidelberg, Dr. Ulrich Abel. His critique focused on whether chemotherapy effectively prolonged survival in advanced epithelial cancer. His answer was that it is not effective. He summarized and extended his findings and concluded that chemotherapy overall is ineffective. A recent search turned up exactly zero reviews of his work in American journals, even though it was published in 1990. The belief is that this is not because his work was unimportant -- but because it's irrefutable.
With the extensive documentation in Dr. Moss' book, and all the statistics developed by the experts, why is chemotherapy still pushed by the large majority of oncologists? Dr. Moss feels that "there's a tremendous conflict going on in the minds of honest, sensitive, caring oncologists." They're in a very difficult position because they've been trained to give these drugs. And they've devoted many years to reaching a very high level of expertise in the knowledge of poisonous, deadly compounds. They're really in a bind, because they went into oncology to help the cancer patient, yet the tools they've been given don't work. And they see what happens to physicians who "step out of line" and treat cancer with alternative means.
Armed raids, loss of licensure, professional smearing and ostracism are some of the consequences. These could all be related to the quotation in the book made by Dr. Lundberg, editor of the Journal of the American Medical Association. At a recent National Institute of Health meeting, he said of chemotherapy: "[It's] a marvelous opportunity for rampant deceit. So much money is there to be made that ethical principles can be overrun sometimes in a stampede to get at physicians and prescribers." You never heard that on the evening news.
The economics of cancer treatment are astounding. Cancer treatment is close to $100 billion annually ($100,000,000,000). The chemotherapy part of that by 1995 will be up to $8.5 billion. Looking from another angle: the Bristol Myers company owns patents on twelve of the nearly forty "FDA-approved" chemotherapeutic drugs. The president, past president, chairman of the board, and a couple of the directors of Bristol Myers all hold positions on the board at Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center.
Dr. Moss' book details the failures (and very few successes) for chemotherapy with more than fifty types of cancer, includes a complete description of the major chemotherapy drugs, and has a section about questions to ask your doctor. All of Dr. Moss' books and Cancer Chronicles newsletters are available from Equinox Press, 1-800-929-WELL or 718-636-4433.
We are obviously losing ground with conventional cancer treatment, because the death rates keep going up. The reason for this is because conventional treatment is based on a faulty standard: That the body must be purged of cancer by aggressive and toxic methods such as surgery chemotherapy and radiation therapy. This, of course, seemed reasonable back in 1894 when William Halsted, M.D. did the first radical mastectomy, but it has proven to be so wrong over the last 50 years that continuing to adhere to it constitutes more fraud than honest mistake. However, this standard still dominates conventional cancer therapy, and until that changes, we will continue to lose ground with cancer.
Dr. Whitaker, a firm believer in Dr. Moss' work and alternative cancer therapy goes on to give some of his personal views:
Statistics Don't Tell the Real Story
What is lost in the unemotional statistic of 500,000 cancer deaths per year is how those people died. Dr. Whitaker goes on to say more about the treatment of cancer: In my opinion, conventional cancer therapy is so toxic and dehumanizing that I fear it far more than I fear death from cancer. We know that conventional therapy doesn't work -- if it did, you would not fear cancer any more than you fear pneumonia. It is the utter lack of certainty as to the outcome of conventional treatment that virtually screams for more freedom of choice in the area of cancer therapy. Yet most so-called alternative therapies regardless of potential or proven benefit, are outlawed, which forces patients to submit to the failures that we know don't work, because there's no other choice.
Personal Belief Systems Determine the Choices You Make
Because cancer treatment is such a sensitive issue, I need to set some ground rules before I tell you what I would do if I had cancer. What follows is what I personally would do. It is not a recommendation for you, and should not be considered as such. It is not even what my wife would do(that would be her decision), nor is it what my young son would do (that would be the joint decision of my wife and myself). The choices to be made in treating cancer are not easy ones, because there is so little certainty of cure in any of them. The course that someone chooses to take is very personal, and reflects not only that person's knowledge of the options, but also his/her beliefs.
Yet, because we are strongly influenced by our natural fear of death, we lineup for conventional cancer therapy, not so much believing that it will work, but hoping that it will not fail. If expensive, debilitating procedures to eliminate acne scars had the same failure rate as cancer treatment, they would be abandoned. It is only because cancer is so often fatal that conventional approaches were not abandoned long ago. We continue to use them not because they work, but because those who perform them have so vigorously eliminated any other choice.
My Imaginary Cancer Scenario
(by Dr. Whitaker)
Though I would approach my own dilemma with hopes of total cure, I would be the first to admit that, regardless of the course I took, the chances of that are small. Consequently, my choices of cancer therapy are a mix of science and philosophy. They are as much a reflection of how I would struggle for survival as of how I would wish to die if the struggle failed. For the purposes of this discussion, let us assume that I have just been diagnosed with cancer of the lung, and a particularly virulent one. (Please understand that I do not have cancer, nor do I smoke.) Before going into what I would do and why, let me say what I wouldn't do, and why.
I Wouldn't Take A Passive Role
If I am going to fight for my life, I want to do just that. I am always perplexed by the news stories of some celebrity, doped to the gills with heinous poison, "courageously battling for his life." What does this mean? The celebrity, who simply accepts conventional cancer therapy, is no more "courageous" than a laboratory mouse. This is not to say that what the celebrity is doing is wrong, only that it is the very opposite of a willful act of courage.
Taking a passive role with today's conventional therapy is terribly dangerous. Recently Jackie Kennedy, after a "courageous fight," succumbed to non-Hodgkin's lymphoma - or did she? Her early demise, attributed to the cancer, was a shock to cancer specialists worldwide, and brought into question the real cause of her death. She had been given an unproved protocol of very high-dose chemotherapy. The drugs alone could easily have caused her death - and this would not be unusual. There are numerous cases of iatrogenic (doctor-induced) deaths from chemotherapy.
I'd Actively Fight For My Life
On the other hand, the cancer patient who says, "no, thanks" to chemotherapy recommended by large cancer treatment centers, and takes off to Grand Bahamas Island to receive Immuno-Augmentative Therapy (IAT); or to Houston, Texas, to receive antineoplastons from Dr. Stanislaw Burzynski; or who heads to the public library to make a battle plan, has begun fighting and is acting courageously.
Whether I win or lose, that is the course I would take. What have I got to lose? Conventional treatment is toxic and simply doesn't work, so I would throw my lot with something safe that might work, and folks, a lot of approaches fit that description. I also believe patients who seek alternative therapies are more optimistic. They have only one worry - the cancer- not the cancer and the therapy!
And Now. Here's What I Would Do
(by Dr. Whitaker)
I'd turn my back on 50 years of institutionalized expertise, because it follows the wrong paradigm. Everything that is done in medicine or in any other discipline fits some paradigm. The paradigm I use for cancer is that it is a systemic problem in which the normal control mechanisms of your body are altered. Your immune system likely bears the largest burden for this control; thus, all techniques that enhance it are promising. Those that damage it are not.
Also, cancer cells are different from normal cells in many ways, including their metabolic profile. At least one non-toxic therapy, hydrazine sulfate, takes advantage of this difference. It has been shown in double-blind trials published in respectable journals to significantly reduce the severe weight loss (cachexia) of advanced cancer, and markedly improve the patient's emotional state, almost to the point of euphoria. It is also inexpensive. Even though hydrazine sulfate has been shown to be effective and non-toxic, and it makes the patient feel better, it is ignored by every major cancer center. Yet I would take it immediately. (For more on hydrazine sulfate, see Ralph Moss' book, The Cancer Industry.)
First, I would Change My Diet
I would switch to a mostly vegetarian diet. I'd also take the Nutritional Supplements "Green foods," such as GREENS+ (800/643-1210) or Green Magma (from Healthy Directions; 800/722-8008, ext. 572). These supplements include the phyto-chemicals, antioxidants, vitamins, and minerals required for optimal health.. I would enhance that basic program with the following:
Vitamin C - 10,000 mg per day in divided doses. Ewan Cameron, a Scottish physician, did a study in which 100 cancer patients were given 10,000 mg of vitamin C for the rest of their lives, while control patients were not. The patients on vitamin C lived much longer than the age-matched controls. The Mayo Clinic did two studies on vitamin C, and in both studies found that vitamin C did not help. However, both studies were set up in a manner that almost guaranteed failure. Frankly, I think that this was done intentionally to generate negative publicity for this non-toxic approach.
Cartilage - A three- to four-month trial of bovine or shark cartilage. The mucopolysaccharides in cartilage stimulate the immune system and normalize malignant cells. Ninety percent of patients with a variety of cancers responded to a clinical trial of bovine cartilage; shark cartilage has demonstrated success rates of 25 to 50%. VitaCarte bovine cartilage is available from Phoenix BioLabs, 800/947-8482 (suggested dose is 9 g a day). Shark cartilage can be obtained from MHP 800-647-0074 (suggested dose is 1 g per 3 pounds of body weight).
Coenzyme Q10 (CoQ10) - Used as an effective therapy in congestive heart failure, CoQ10 has only recently been studied as a cancer treatment. Cancer patients have been found to have deficiencies of CoQ10. Clinical trials in breast cancer have resulted in no further metastases, improved quality of life (no weight loss and less pain), and partial remission in six of 32 patients. Vitaline makes a chewable CoQ10 with vitamin E (800/648-4755; 503/482-9231, in Canada).
Essiac Tea - 2 ounces 3 times a day. This blend of four herbs -burdock root, sheep's sorrel, slippery elm and Indian rhubarb root- has its genesis in Native American medicinal folklore. Since it was "discovered" by Canadian nurse Rene Caisse in the 1920s, thousands have claimed to have had their cancers cured by this tea. I'd keep on searching. We have the formula if you are interested in purchasing the individual herbs in bulk.
Finally, you should know that if I were battling cancer - or any serious disease, for that matter- I would be in a constant search for effective, non-toxic therapies. One place to begin that search is with Ralph Moss, Ph.D. He is probably the most knowledgeable writer in the world on alternative therapies for cancer, and has recently published a 530-page book, Cancer Therapy, The Independent Consumer's Guide to Nontoxic Treatment and Prevention. (Equinox Press, New York, NY, 1995). In addition, Dr. Moss offers a report service called Healing Choices, which ascertains, through a questionnaire, the type and severity of cancer, and suggests alternatives. This costs $250, and it is well worth it. If I had cancer, I would start here for more information. You can get more information by sending a large SASE to The Cancer Chronicles, 2 Lincoln Square, Suite 31A, New York, NY 10023, or by calling Melissa Wolf at 718/636-4433.
Another source of information is People Against Cancer, which provides a comprehensive counseling service called the Alternative Therapy Program. It includes a review of your medical records by a network of doctors using alternative therapies. It also costs $250. People Against Cancer can be reached at 515/972-4444. Their Internet address is: http://www.dodgenet.com/nocancer.
This is certainly not my final say on cancer treatment, because it changes as new research is done. I want to say again that what I would do is not a recommendation for you. However, it is not a reasonable belief to think that conventional cancer experts offer the best approaches for most cancers. There is just too much evidence to the contrary. One of these days there may not be a need for ''alternative' approaches to cancer. Until then, look for the answers to the cancer riddle in the growing field of alternatives, because they are obviously not present in our armamentarium of conventional therapies.
Source : mercola.com
Cancer : cause and prevention
Source : mercola.com
The reasons for the staggering rise in cancer cases are many and varied.
Several human studies have found a link between fetal exposure to environmental contaminants and cancer in children and young adults. Those who live near electricity power lines are at an increased risk of developing leukemia. CT scans, and traditional X-rays, are high in potentially dangerous radiation, and may be another cause.
But the main causes clearly are diet and lifestyle. I am convinced that with a few simple lifestyle changes you can virtually eliminate your risk of cancer, and also avoid the obscenely expensive cancer drugs that will likely do you more harm than good.
Here are my major recommendations, which are far more comprehensive than those suggested by the American Cancer Society:
1. Control your insulin levels: Make certain that you limit your intake of processed foods and sugars as much as possible.
2. Get appropriate amounts of animal-based omega-3 fats and make sure you use cod liver oil if you don't have regular access to sun exposure.
3. Get appropriate exercise. One of the primary reasons exercise works is that it drives your insulin levels down. Controlling insulin levels is one of the most powerful ways to reduce your cancer risks.
4. Normalize your vitamin D levels with safe amounts of sun exposure. This works primarily by optimizing your vitamin D level. If you have regular access to sun exposure then you should use fish oil, not cod liver oil, as your primary source of omega-3 fats. Ideally, it would be best to monitor your vitamin D levels.
5. Eat according to your nutritional type. The potent anti-cancer effects of this principle are very much underappreciated. When we treat cancer patients in our clinic this is one of the most powerful anti-cancer strategies we have.
6. Have a tool to permanently erase the neurological short-circuiting that can activate cancer genes. Even the CDC states that 85 percent of disease is caused by emotions. It is likely that this factor may be more important than all the other physical ones listed here, so make sure this is addressed. Energy psychology seems to be one of the best approaches and my particular favorite tool, as you may know, is the Emotional Freedom Technique.
7. Only 25 percent of people eat enough vegetables, so by all means eat as many vegetables as you are comfortable with. Ideally, they should be fresh and organic. However, please understand that, frequently, fresh conventionally grown vegetables are healthier than organic ones that are older and wilted in the grocery store.
They are certainly better than no vegetables at all, so don't use that as an excuse. If you are a carb nutritional type you may need up to 300 percent more vegetables than a protein nutritional type.
8. Make sure you are not in the two-thirds of the population who are overweight and maintain an ideal body weight.
9. Get enough high-quality sleep.
10. Reduce your exposure to environmental toxins like pesticides, household chemical cleaners, synthetic air fresheners and air pollution.
11. Boil, poach or steam your foods, rather than frying or charbroiling them.
Chemo
This article was taken from www.curenaturalicancro.com.
75% OF THE PHYSICIANS REFUSES CHEMOTHERAPY THEMSELVES
The great lack of trust is evident even amongst doctors. Polls and questionnaires show that three doctors out of four (75 per cent) would refuse any chemotherapy because of its ineffectiveness against the disease and its devastating effects on the entire human organism. This is what many doctors and scientists have to say about chemotherapy:
“The majority of the cancer patients in this country die because of chemotherapy, which does not cure breast, colon or lung cancer. This has been documented for over a decade and nevertheless doctors still utilize chemotherapy to fight these tumors.” (Allen Levin, MD, UCSF, “The Healing of Cancer”, Marcus Books, 1990).
“If I were to contract cancer, I would never turn to a certain standard for the therapy of this disease. Cancer patients who stay away from these centers have some chance to make it.” (Prof. Gorge Mathe, “Scientific Medicine Stymied”, Medicines Nouvelles, Paris, 1989)
“Dr. Hardin Jones, lecturer at the University of California, after having analyzed for many decades statistics on cancer survival, has come to this conclusion: ‘… when not treated, the patients do not get worse or they even get better’. The unsettling conclusions of Dr. Jones have never been refuted”. (Walter Last, “The Ecologist”, Vol. 28, no. 2, March-April 1998)
“Many oncologists recommend chemotherapy for almost any type of cancer, with a faith that is unshaken by the almost constant failures”.(Albert Braverman, MD, “Medical Oncology in the 90s”, Lancet, 1991, Vol. 337, p. 901)
“Our most efficacious regimens are loaded with risks, side effects and practical problems; and after all the patients we have treated have paid the toll, only a miniscule percentage of them is paid off with an ephemeral period of tumoral regression and generally a partial one” (Edward G. Griffin “World Without Cancer”, American Media Publications, 1996)
“After all, and for the overwhelming majority of the cases, there is no proof whatsoever that chemotherapy prolongs survival expectations. And this is the great lie about this therapy, that there is a correlation between the reduction of cancer and the extension of the life of the patient”. (Philip Day, “Cancer: Why we’re still dying to know the truth”, Credence Publications, 2000)
“Several full-time scientists at the McGill Cancer Center sent to 118 doctors, all experts on lung cancer, a questionnaire to determine the level of trust they had in the therapies they were applying; they were asked to imagine that they themselves had contracted the disease and which of the six current experimental therapies they would choose. 79 doctors answered, 64 of them said that they would not consent to undergo any treatment containing cis-platinum – one of the common chemotherapy drugs they used – while 58 out of 79 believed that all the experimental therapies above were not accepted because of the ineffectiveness and the elevated level of toxicity of chemotherapy.” (Philip Day, “Cancer: Why we’re still dying to know the truth”, Credence Publications, 2000)
“Doctor Ulrich Able, a German epidemiologist of the Heidelberg Mannheim Tumor Clinic, has exhaustively analyzed and reviewed all the main studies and clinical experiments ever performed on chemotherapy .... Able discovered that the comprehensive world rate of positive outcomes because of chemotherapy was frightening, because, simply, nowhere was scientific evidence available demonstrating that chemotherapy is able to ‘prolong in any appreciable way the life of patients affected by the most common type of organ cancer.’ Able highlights that rarely can chemotherapy improve the quality of life, and he describes it as a scientific squalor while maintaining that at least 80 per cent of chemotherapy administered in the world is worthless. Even if there is no scientific proof whatsoever that chemotherapy works, neither doctors nor patients are prepared to give it up (Lancet, Aug. 10, 1991). None of the main media has ever mentioned this exhaustive study: it has been completely buried” (Tim O’Shea, “Chemotherapy – An Unproven Procedure”)
“According to medical associations, the notorious and dangerous side effects of drugs have become the fourth main cause of death after infarction, cancer, and apoplexy” ( Journal of the American Medical Association, April 15, 1998)
Also see: Chemo destroys brain cells
Chemo effects
Chemotherapy's Long-Term Effects Can Last a Decade or More
A UCLA study has shown that chemotherapy can change the blood flow and metabolism of the brain in ways that can linger for 10 years or more after treatment.
This could help explain the confusion, sometimes called "chemo brain," reported by many chemotherapy patients.
Positron emission tomography (PET) was used to scan the brains of 21 women who had undergone breast cancer surgery five to 10 years earlier. Sixteen had been treated with chemotherapy regimens. Thirteen control subjects, who never had breast cancer or chemotherapy, were also scanned.
The scans took place as the women performed short-term memory exercises, and while they were resting.
The scans showed that there was a rapid jump in activity in the frontal cortexes and cerebellums of the chemotherapy patients as they performed the memory tests, indicating that they were working harder than the control patients to recall the same information.
The study also revealed that women who underwent hormonal therapy in addition to chemotherapy showed changes to their basal ganglia, a part of the brain that bridges thought and action.
Source : mercola.com
Monday, 15 June 2009
Healing setback
There are some articles in cancerstory.com about doctors and their attitudes which make for interesting and informational reading. I have not sought permission from the admin of the website, so I am unable to reproduce the articles here and have only provided the links instead. I share the author's frustrations about some doctors' attitudes and in highlighting her website, I am not condemning all doctors, but hope that people be more discerning in their choice of doctors, and, more importantly, take on a more proactive role in their treatment.
1. It's about money
2. Are you ready to "take on" your doctor?
3. Can you "fire" your doctor?
1. It's about money
2. Are you ready to "take on" your doctor?
3. Can you "fire" your doctor?
Sunday, 14 June 2009
Purple hat
This is another interesting email from another friend.
1. Passing the Purple Hat to You
IN honor of women's history month and in memory of Erma Bombeck who lost her fight with cancer.
Pass this on to five women that you want watched over.
If you don't know five women to pass this on to, one will do just fine.
IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER - by Erma Bombeck
(written after she found out she was dying from cancer).
I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.
I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.
I would have talked less and listened more.
I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.
I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.
I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.
I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.
I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.
I would have sat on the lawn with my grass stains.
I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching life.
I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil, or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.
Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.
When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, 'Later. Now go get washed up for dinner.' There would have been more 'I love you's', More 'I'm sorry's.'
But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute.look at it and really see it . . live it and never give it back. STOP SWEATING THE SMALL STUFF!!!
Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more , or who's doing what. Instead, let's cherish the relationships we have with those who do love us.
If you don't mind, send this on to all the women you are grateful to have as friends.
Maybe we should all grab that purple hat earlier.
Please send this to five phenomenal women today in celebration of Beautiful Women's Month.
If you do, something good will happen--you will boost another woman's self-esteem.
2. KEEP IT LIT!
IN MEMORY .. . . . ..
These are the colours that represent the different cancers.
All you are asked to do is keep this circulating, even if it's to one more person, in memory of anyone you know who has been struck by cancer.
A Candle Loses Nothing by Lighting Another Candle.
Please Keep The Candle Going!
This one I do ask that you please send on.
By sending this on, you will think and realise how you'vebeen blessed, up until now.
This is a disease which affects all families... no one is exempt!
1. Passing the Purple Hat to You IN honor of women's history month and in memory of Erma Bombeck who lost her fight with cancer.
Pass this on to five women that you want watched over.
If you don't know five women to pass this on to, one will do just fine.
IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER - by Erma Bombeck
(written after she found out she was dying from cancer).
I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.
I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.
I would have talked less and listened more.
I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.
I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.
I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.
I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.
I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.
I would have sat on the lawn with my grass stains.
I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching life.
I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil, or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.
Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.
When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, 'Later. Now go get washed up for dinner.' There would have been more 'I love you's', More 'I'm sorry's.'
But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute.look at it and really see it . . live it and never give it back. STOP SWEATING THE SMALL STUFF!!!
Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more , or who's doing what. Instead, let's cherish the relationships we have with those who do love us.
If you don't mind, send this on to all the women you are grateful to have as friends. Maybe we should all grab that purple hat earlier.
Please send this to five phenomenal women today in celebration of Beautiful Women's Month.
If you do, something good will happen--you will boost another woman's self-esteem.
2. KEEP IT LIT! IN MEMORY .. . . . ..
These are the colours that represent the different cancers.
All you are asked to do is keep this circulating, even if it's to one more person, in memory of anyone you know who has been struck by cancer. A Candle Loses Nothing by Lighting Another Candle.
Please Keep The Candle Going!
This one I do ask that you please send on.
By sending this on, you will think and realise how you'vebeen blessed, up until now.
This is a disease which affects all families... no one is exempt!
45 lessons life taught me
I just received this from a friend and I find it interesting so am posting it here for sharing:
Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio
"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me.
It is the most-requested column I've ever written."
My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's,we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."
Friends are the family that we choose for ourselves.
Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio
"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me.
It is the most-requested column I've ever written."
My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's,we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."
Friends are the family that we choose for ourselves.
Saturday, 13 June 2009
LY - update
LY was discharged from SGH on 11 June 2009, Thursday and was staying with her sister.
On Friday, when I visited her, a doctor and nurse from HCA Hospice Care were already there. LY's son had told me the night before that they were having problems in moving her and making her comfortable.
It was obvious that they were having problems coping with the care of LY. LY was practically immobile except for her arms. She was also confused and got all her answers wrong to the doctor's questions. She smiled at me and nodded to indicate that she knows me but could not recall my name. I was really upset to see her deteriorate so fast when more than a week ago, she was still able to stand and walk with support.
Taking care of a person in a condition like LY's requires skills and experience. Changing her, moving her from a lying position on the bed to a sitting position on a chair or commode and vice-versa were very tough and challenging for LY's sister even with the maid helping. They were really struggling and could not manage.
A decision was then made by the family to place her in Dover Park Hospice where she could be properly attended to. Getting a place in the hospice is not easy as there are limited places. The nurse had asked if I could help in expediting the request and I had in turn referred to my support group founder. It was only later that I learnt that the attending doctor had put in a lot of effort and managed to get her admitted yesterday.
The doctor and nurse did a wonderful job of attending to LY while they were there. We really would have been at a loss without the presence of unsung heroes like them.
On Friday, when I visited her, a doctor and nurse from HCA Hospice Care were already there. LY's son had told me the night before that they were having problems in moving her and making her comfortable.
It was obvious that they were having problems coping with the care of LY. LY was practically immobile except for her arms. She was also confused and got all her answers wrong to the doctor's questions. She smiled at me and nodded to indicate that she knows me but could not recall my name. I was really upset to see her deteriorate so fast when more than a week ago, she was still able to stand and walk with support.
Taking care of a person in a condition like LY's requires skills and experience. Changing her, moving her from a lying position on the bed to a sitting position on a chair or commode and vice-versa were very tough and challenging for LY's sister even with the maid helping. They were really struggling and could not manage.
A decision was then made by the family to place her in Dover Park Hospice where she could be properly attended to. Getting a place in the hospice is not easy as there are limited places. The nurse had asked if I could help in expediting the request and I had in turn referred to my support group founder. It was only later that I learnt that the attending doctor had put in a lot of effort and managed to get her admitted yesterday.
The doctor and nurse did a wonderful job of attending to LY while they were there. We really would have been at a loss without the presence of unsung heroes like them.
Sunday, 7 June 2009
I - ovarian cancer patient
I met I, an ovarian cancer patient, at the ayurvedic master's in Dec 2007. We were both very sick when K brought us there and we started on ayurvedic medicine at the same time.
She is very much younger than me and her two boys are probably around the age of 10.
She was already on chemo then, and I remembered that initially, she had a pallor complexion, but after a few weeks, her colour had improved.
While she was on chemo, her onco had changed her drugs to stronger ones as her cancer was unresponsive and her markers kept climbing.
Then, I heard that she had gone on to try different remedies, such as electric eel, recommended by other people. Subsequently, for reasons best known to her, she left the AM's place.
Her niece, HL, was also being treated by the AM. We found out from HL that I's onco had determined that she had another cancer. From HL's description in Mandarin, I gathered that it had something to do with the lymphoma.
Some months ago, from HL, I learnt that she was making progress.
Last week, I heard that HL had gone to beg the AM to try and save I, who is now very sick. Her abdomen was swollen and she was on morphine.
We found out that on her friend's recommendation, she had even gone to Malaysia to try some remedy.
Herbal medicine takes time and healing is a slow process. It depends on us to know if the medicine works for us. We have to be patient and monitor the progress ourselves. As long as we feel that a remedy works for us, I think we should stick to it instead of hopping around.
Some months back, someone suggested that I should stopped the AM's treatment and go on something else. I have been doing well under the AM's treatment and I am sorry to say I cannot accept that kind of advice, also, I can be very stubborn when I know what is good for me.
Fighting cancer is a long battle and being impatient does not help. Could it be that I's impatience and desperation caused her condition to deteriorate to this state or could it be that her cancer(s-?) are so formidable?
She is very much younger than me and her two boys are probably around the age of 10.
She was already on chemo then, and I remembered that initially, she had a pallor complexion, but after a few weeks, her colour had improved.
While she was on chemo, her onco had changed her drugs to stronger ones as her cancer was unresponsive and her markers kept climbing.
Then, I heard that she had gone on to try different remedies, such as electric eel, recommended by other people. Subsequently, for reasons best known to her, she left the AM's place.
Her niece, HL, was also being treated by the AM. We found out from HL that I's onco had determined that she had another cancer. From HL's description in Mandarin, I gathered that it had something to do with the lymphoma.
Some months ago, from HL, I learnt that she was making progress.
Last week, I heard that HL had gone to beg the AM to try and save I, who is now very sick. Her abdomen was swollen and she was on morphine.
We found out that on her friend's recommendation, she had even gone to Malaysia to try some remedy.
Herbal medicine takes time and healing is a slow process. It depends on us to know if the medicine works for us. We have to be patient and monitor the progress ourselves. As long as we feel that a remedy works for us, I think we should stick to it instead of hopping around.
Some months back, someone suggested that I should stopped the AM's treatment and go on something else. I have been doing well under the AM's treatment and I am sorry to say I cannot accept that kind of advice, also, I can be very stubborn when I know what is good for me.
Fighting cancer is a long battle and being impatient does not help. Could it be that I's impatience and desperation caused her condition to deteriorate to this state or could it be that her cancer(s-?) are so formidable?
Saturday, 6 June 2009
LY - update
5 Jun, Friday - I called LY's son and found out that she was admitted on Thursday. LY had been confused and disoriented so her son brought forward her appointment. It was then that her onco decided to admit her.
I had checked with the ayurvedic master about LY's condition and he said that her confusion is caused by urea. I did not ask and the AM did not specify, but a check on the net produced the following :
"Naturally, urea is produced when the liver breaks down protein or amino acids, and ammonia. The kidneys then transfer the urea from the blood to the urine. Extra nitrogen is expelled from the body through urea, and because it is extremely soluble, it is a very efficient process. The average person excretes about 30 grams of urea a day, mostly through urine, but a small amount is also secreted in perspiration."
The cancer had metastasied to her liver and after having gone through so much chemo, it sounds logical that her liver and kidneys may have problems.
Went down to onco ward this afternoon to see LY. Met up with M, a active member of the support group. LY is on the dangerously-ill-list (DIL). She has a slight cough and apart from being weak and tired, seemed conscious enough while we were there. She is on drip as the docs are concerned that she may choke as her condition is not stable.
As LY couldn't stand, her onco suspect that the cancer may have spread to her spine. A ctscan had been done but the results were not out yet, but her docs are not optimistic.
A doctor had proposed inserting a shunt to drain the fluid to relieve pressure from her brain, but her onco and her son are not in favour.
As she is very ill, her doctor has proposed hospice care. Most likely she will be on hospice home care after her discharge.
M also brought me to meet another 2 patients who were also warded. E has colorectal cancer and is also on DIL. The other lady, whom I did not get the name, has advanced breast cancer.
This afternoon, as I approached the onco ward, I had a kind of mixed and dreaded feeling even though I was going there as a visitor. I couldn't help feeling that the onco ward is the most pathetic looking ward of all. The all too familiar scenes of oxygen mask, chemo drips and bald heads are still prevalent, although calm.
I had checked with the ayurvedic master about LY's condition and he said that her confusion is caused by urea. I did not ask and the AM did not specify, but a check on the net produced the following :
"Naturally, urea is produced when the liver breaks down protein or amino acids, and ammonia. The kidneys then transfer the urea from the blood to the urine. Extra nitrogen is expelled from the body through urea, and because it is extremely soluble, it is a very efficient process. The average person excretes about 30 grams of urea a day, mostly through urine, but a small amount is also secreted in perspiration."
The cancer had metastasied to her liver and after having gone through so much chemo, it sounds logical that her liver and kidneys may have problems.
Went down to onco ward this afternoon to see LY. Met up with M, a active member of the support group. LY is on the dangerously-ill-list (DIL). She has a slight cough and apart from being weak and tired, seemed conscious enough while we were there. She is on drip as the docs are concerned that she may choke as her condition is not stable.
As LY couldn't stand, her onco suspect that the cancer may have spread to her spine. A ctscan had been done but the results were not out yet, but her docs are not optimistic.
A doctor had proposed inserting a shunt to drain the fluid to relieve pressure from her brain, but her onco and her son are not in favour.
As she is very ill, her doctor has proposed hospice care. Most likely she will be on hospice home care after her discharge.
M also brought me to meet another 2 patients who were also warded. E has colorectal cancer and is also on DIL. The other lady, whom I did not get the name, has advanced breast cancer.
This afternoon, as I approached the onco ward, I had a kind of mixed and dreaded feeling even though I was going there as a visitor. I couldn't help feeling that the onco ward is the most pathetic looking ward of all. The all too familiar scenes of oxygen mask, chemo drips and bald heads are still prevalent, although calm.
Tuesday, 2 June 2009
LY - update
I visited LY twice last week, on 24th (Sunday) and 27th (Wednesday) of May.
She had had her last dose of whole head RT on 28th May.
During my short conversation with her on Wednesday, I learnt that this was her 3rd relapse. She was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2005. Within a short period of 4 years, she had 3 relapses. She had chemo after her initial diagnosis and also for each of her relapses, which means that all in, she had already gone for 4 rounds of chemo. In between, she had also had herceptin and tykerb.
On her 2nd and 3rd relapses, the cancer had spread to her brain while she was still undergoing chemo. As yet, I am still unable to comprehend how the cancer cells can be spreading to her brain when she was being treated by chemo.
I had spoken to her and her son earlier about ayurvedic medicine and on Friday, her son called to tell me that LY had decided to try ayurvedic medicine. She was so weak, could barely walk, and had to be supported by 2 persons, one on each side.
One immediate concern was that her stomach had been badly affected by the chemo, that she might throw up the herbal brew. She was advised to take it in small doses. I had checked with her son yesterday and learnt that she had managed to retain the medicine.
LY is still on steroids, anti-vomitting and one other medicine. The ayurvedic master normally does not allow his patients to take his herbal brews together with other medicines. But, as LY's case is so serious, he allowed her to take them concurrently.
I hope the ayurvedic medicine could help her as it did for me.
She had had her last dose of whole head RT on 28th May.
During my short conversation with her on Wednesday, I learnt that this was her 3rd relapse. She was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2005. Within a short period of 4 years, she had 3 relapses. She had chemo after her initial diagnosis and also for each of her relapses, which means that all in, she had already gone for 4 rounds of chemo. In between, she had also had herceptin and tykerb.
On her 2nd and 3rd relapses, the cancer had spread to her brain while she was still undergoing chemo. As yet, I am still unable to comprehend how the cancer cells can be spreading to her brain when she was being treated by chemo.
I had spoken to her and her son earlier about ayurvedic medicine and on Friday, her son called to tell me that LY had decided to try ayurvedic medicine. She was so weak, could barely walk, and had to be supported by 2 persons, one on each side.
One immediate concern was that her stomach had been badly affected by the chemo, that she might throw up the herbal brew. She was advised to take it in small doses. I had checked with her son yesterday and learnt that she had managed to retain the medicine.
LY is still on steroids, anti-vomitting and one other medicine. The ayurvedic master normally does not allow his patients to take his herbal brews together with other medicines. But, as LY's case is so serious, he allowed her to take them concurrently.
I hope the ayurvedic medicine could help her as it did for me.
Emotions and dreams
After my relapse, more research and especially after attending Ellen's healing transformations therapy session, I am convinced that suppressing emotions is very harmful to our body, more so than anger, stress, anxiety, and other negative emotions. Suppressed emotions do not disappear, they fester and continually build up, leading to other problems, like an emotional time-bomb.
We suppressed our emotions for various reasons, like not wanting to sour a relationship, or not wanting to blow up an issue.
I realised that I tend to suppress my emotions for the sake of saving relationships, and not wanting to hurt the other party in turn, even though the other party is the aggressor. Yeap, I sacrificed my health and my life for the sake of keeping peace, and not wanting to hurt others' feelings. I am realising now that it is not worth it.
Now, I am psyching myself up for any appropriate challenging situation. No, I am not getting ready for any verbal assault. Rather, I am mentally preparing a list of appropriate phrases that I could use in answer to any uncalled for snide remarks, like 'Ow! That hurts!' or 'I resent that!' This is to let the aggressor know that the remark does not go down well with me, and hopefully it will cause them pause and consider before attempting another verbal sting in future.
This is going to be tough, because I am always caught off-guard when such remarks were thrown at me, as I have never like doing that to others and was always not prepared nor expected it. When that happened, I would feel the sting, but did not retaliate and walked away with my anger suppressed.
I recalled a recent incident that I was caught unprepared. Some close friends gave me a treat on a Friday which happened to be the day when I went for my ayurvedic medicine. After dinner, G, who was driving and some others decided to follow me back to the ayurvedic master's for my medicine before sending me home as we were all heading in the same direction. G's husband is a doctor and I'd warned her not to mention that in the presence of the ayurvedic master as he does not have a good opinion of doctors in general, because a number of his patients who were treated by doctors, not only did not improve but suffered out-of-pocket as well. As expected, the master made some comments that did not go down well with G.
On the way back, she launched into a near tirade about how much time and money were invested before a person is qualified as a doctor. I attempted to explain the master's perspective, but stop when I saw that she was really agitated. I allowed her to vent, but she went further and said "it's okay for you (meaning me), you can 'kowtow' to him". I felt the sting alright but refrained from replying because I realised that more 30 years of friendship was at stake, and she had been fetching me for my chemo sessions when I was under treatment. I have been progresing well under the master's treatment and I appreciate that, but it does not mean that I 'kowtow' to him.
Apparently, my warning had not been sufficient for her, and her reaction was out of respect for her husband's achievements. But she ought not to have taken the master's comments personally as they were not specifically directed at her husband and not all doctors are in the same category where attitude is concerned. On thinking back, I should not have let it pass and I could have settled that by putting it in a nice way to let her know how I felt then.
Even among family members, I'd always control myself and hold my retorts against unwarranted smarting remarks.
For years I have been having 'toilet' dreams. I'd dream of going to toilets and on entering a cubicle, only to find that it is filthy, flooded, instead of a toilet bowl there was just a hole, the walls are transparent, the door is faulty or only half doors, that people can see me when I am inside. Although the dreams are not so frequent now and I haven't had one recently, I really hated this kind of dream. I mentioned this to a friend recently and found out that she too had similar dreams like this. According to her friend, these dreams signified repressed emotions that we wanted to release but could find no opportunity or circumstance to do so.
I have also had dreams of climbing stairs, but after I reached the top, the steps usually become so big, or that there was something wrong with the steps that I did not know how I managed to get up there. These dreams were always set in my secondary school, a girls' school.
Then there were dreams of not being prepared for exams. I am not exactly sure what they meant but I guessed it could be in the area of anxiety.
On reflection, if these dreams are anything to go by, it looks like my life has been one emotional time-bomb.
We suppressed our emotions for various reasons, like not wanting to sour a relationship, or not wanting to blow up an issue.
I realised that I tend to suppress my emotions for the sake of saving relationships, and not wanting to hurt the other party in turn, even though the other party is the aggressor. Yeap, I sacrificed my health and my life for the sake of keeping peace, and not wanting to hurt others' feelings. I am realising now that it is not worth it.
Now, I am psyching myself up for any appropriate challenging situation. No, I am not getting ready for any verbal assault. Rather, I am mentally preparing a list of appropriate phrases that I could use in answer to any uncalled for snide remarks, like 'Ow! That hurts!' or 'I resent that!' This is to let the aggressor know that the remark does not go down well with me, and hopefully it will cause them pause and consider before attempting another verbal sting in future.
This is going to be tough, because I am always caught off-guard when such remarks were thrown at me, as I have never like doing that to others and was always not prepared nor expected it. When that happened, I would feel the sting, but did not retaliate and walked away with my anger suppressed.
I recalled a recent incident that I was caught unprepared. Some close friends gave me a treat on a Friday which happened to be the day when I went for my ayurvedic medicine. After dinner, G, who was driving and some others decided to follow me back to the ayurvedic master's for my medicine before sending me home as we were all heading in the same direction. G's husband is a doctor and I'd warned her not to mention that in the presence of the ayurvedic master as he does not have a good opinion of doctors in general, because a number of his patients who were treated by doctors, not only did not improve but suffered out-of-pocket as well. As expected, the master made some comments that did not go down well with G.
On the way back, she launched into a near tirade about how much time and money were invested before a person is qualified as a doctor. I attempted to explain the master's perspective, but stop when I saw that she was really agitated. I allowed her to vent, but she went further and said "it's okay for you (meaning me), you can 'kowtow' to him". I felt the sting alright but refrained from replying because I realised that more 30 years of friendship was at stake, and she had been fetching me for my chemo sessions when I was under treatment. I have been progresing well under the master's treatment and I appreciate that, but it does not mean that I 'kowtow' to him.
Apparently, my warning had not been sufficient for her, and her reaction was out of respect for her husband's achievements. But she ought not to have taken the master's comments personally as they were not specifically directed at her husband and not all doctors are in the same category where attitude is concerned. On thinking back, I should not have let it pass and I could have settled that by putting it in a nice way to let her know how I felt then.
Even among family members, I'd always control myself and hold my retorts against unwarranted smarting remarks.
For years I have been having 'toilet' dreams. I'd dream of going to toilets and on entering a cubicle, only to find that it is filthy, flooded, instead of a toilet bowl there was just a hole, the walls are transparent, the door is faulty or only half doors, that people can see me when I am inside. Although the dreams are not so frequent now and I haven't had one recently, I really hated this kind of dream. I mentioned this to a friend recently and found out that she too had similar dreams like this. According to her friend, these dreams signified repressed emotions that we wanted to release but could find no opportunity or circumstance to do so.
I have also had dreams of climbing stairs, but after I reached the top, the steps usually become so big, or that there was something wrong with the steps that I did not know how I managed to get up there. These dreams were always set in my secondary school, a girls' school.
Then there were dreams of not being prepared for exams. I am not exactly sure what they meant but I guessed it could be in the area of anxiety.
On reflection, if these dreams are anything to go by, it looks like my life has been one emotional time-bomb.
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