28 May 2009, Thursday, I had a healing transformations therapy session with Ellen Bok. The session lasted about 4 hours. Healing transformations therapy is about healing the mind, body and spirit, and the healing takes place at the cellular level.
Before my session with Ellen, she had sent me an email requesting for information pertaining to the following :
- history of my current state of health and previous disease
- overview and description of my upbringing, relationships with my family members, partners, friends and other important people in my life, past and current
- my behavioural patterns and characteristics, as in, how I see myself and how someone who knows me well would describe me
- past experiences which I may still feel painful and regretful about
I was also asked to give my meaning of 'Giving and Receiving Love' and what it meant to me in my personal life and experience.
I was also advised to read her website thoroughly to have a better understanding of the therapy and to know what to expect.
The setting was relaxing with soft warm lights.
Before we started, Ellen had me talking to get me into a relaxed mood. Then she explained the process to me.
I was asked to relax, make myself comfortable, close my eyes, and concentrating on her instructions, allow her to lead me. She led me on an imaginary journey to the beach and then to a house by the beach.
I was instructed to recall incidences which hurt me most, and to allow my unpleasant feelings to surface. She asked me questions to which I was supposed to answer either 'yes' or 'no' spontaneously, based on my feelings at that time. I was not to say 'maybe' or to ponder over what I wanted to say.
At times, I found difficulty in trying to allow my unpleasant feelings to surface. I wasn't sure if it was due to the fact that I had suppressed my feelings so well, or I refused to acknowledge those feelings, or because I had been able to 'let go' of the anger. Though I finally managed to, the feelings had not been as intense as what I had previously felt. And when Ellen asked if I could let the feelings go, it had promptly disappeared.
I was told to vocalise whatever was in my mind as if in retort to the offending remarks then. Then, to put myself in the other person's place and try to justify his/her behaviour/remarks from that person's perspective. I am aware that everybody is different, with different attitudes and behaviour, and that sometimes, for some people, changes cannot be enforced, that we have to accept them as they are. We have to understand that sometimes people do have good intentions but are either not sensitive to others' feelings or unaware of the impact their actions/words have on others. Whatever it is, I do think they are pitiful because they lack a sense of awareness.
Finally, I was led into forgiving. This forgiveness has to come from within, from deep down, and only then can we be free and the healing process start naturally.
It was the first time I had attended a healing session of this nature, and I wasn't very sure of what to expect. It was not as easy as it seemed as it bordered on the subconsciousness of the now and the actual happenings of the past, and the past kept wanting to get in the way.
I had been fully aware throughout the session and was fully awake with my eyes closed, though during the long bus journey home, I kept dozing off and had a hard time trying to stay awake.
Ellen's healing transformations therapy does not end with the session. In fact, that session was just the beginning of the healing process. I should not be surprised if there were some changes to my body both emotionally and physically as the healing process continues. If strong emotions arise, I was to allow them to surface and not to disperse them, distract myself or suppress them. Just stop, breathe and be present and the emotions will come and go.
Saturday, 30 May 2009
Monday, 25 May 2009
Cancer patient's dilemma
I must have written about this topic several times in my blog that I am beginning to feel like a nag. However, I keep hearing of cancer patients facing the same problem as I did that I find it very frustrating.
It is not uncommon for cancer patients undergoing conventional therapy to feel that they have had enough and want to stop treatment for various reasons. It is tough, very tough to undergo chemo, with all its side-effects, both immediate and long-term. Some felt good after a few doses. For me, it was 3 doses, and I have since found out that I was not the only one. It was like 3 was the optimum, but with each subsequent dose, we felt worse.
I have been through this stage before and I fully understand how a cancer patient at this juncture facing the same problem would feel. It is also at this time that we needed the support of loved ones, and yet the kind of moral support and advice that we received are not always what we wanted. And, usually these are the people who likely have never been through chemo, but somehow feel that they have every right to give advice and make decisions for us.
More often than not, we find our loved ones supporting the doctors instead of us. Their favourite line in echoing the doctors is, 'since you are responding so well, you should continue with the therapy'. Many also have the misconception that we should do everything together, i.e. go with chemo and at the same time, swallow the supplements and whatever alternative medicine there is. Theoretically, it sounds like a brilliant idea, but I beg to differ. For the uninitiated, no matter how much supplements and alternative medicine we pumped into us, these can never matched the degree of toxicity of the chemo.
Chemo cannot get rid of all the cancer cells. A lot depend on the body's immune system to fight back. But how can we expect the body's immune system to do that when it has been so badly battered by chemo? Isn't it possible that the cancer cells will revive faster than the weakened good cells?
Not only that, the chemo caused extensive damage to our liver, kidneys, stomach and heart. For the heart sometimes the damage is irreversible, and for the other organs, recovery is very, very slow and usually not hundred percent.
If the patient is not on any other alternative or complementary treatment, then I have nothing to say. On the other hand, if the patient is on alternative treatment, wouldn't it have been ideal if the concerned ones make an effort to talk to the person responsible for the alternative treatment in order to understand the patient's condition better?
Maybe instead of just giving moral support on the side, take the support one step further, do the ultimate thing - ask to be injected with chemo drugs as well, better still, go dose for dose with us. That would truly be understanding how we feel. Sounds really crazy, but perhaps something worth considering, afterall we have bad cells that are just waiting for the right opportunity and conditions to turn into cancerous cells. That would be a real eye-opener and would be like a preemptive measure for our supporters.
We are aware that a positive attitude helps. We want to be positive too, but how can we remain so when people around us are compelling us to do something against our gut feelings, when they don't have confidence in us and don't give us the right kind of support?
I still remember one of my friends telling me, "I support your decision - at least you are doing something about it". That was like music to my ears, it made me feel so good. Unfortunately, this kind of support is very rare.
As a cancer survivor, who has been there and done that, I can only share my experience. As an outsider, I have no right to urge a fellow cancer patient to heed my advice. In the event that the recovery did not progress as expected, there would be two scenarios here. One is that if I had interfered with the regimen recommended by the doctors, I dare say that blame and accusations would come fast and furious. The other is that if the patient had dutifully followed the advices of family members, friends and doctors who are fully pro-conventional treatment, one or two sentences would suffice to explain the condition, which could be that sometimes there are complications or the cancer was too advanced or aggressive.
Going for more chemo doses than necessary is like 1 step forward towards recovery and 2 steps backward towards organ damage, I could be understating, which could be likely, or I could be exagerating, which I don't think so as that was exactly how I felt at that time.
If chemo is the be all and end all of cancer, why then am I seeing people who keep having relapses despite going through chemo?
I wish that the health ministry would instruct its oncologists to be 'merciful' and not be too heavy-handed in dishing out chemo prescriptions. I wish too, that the board could review the prescribed regimen as and when necessary and that treatment could be interrupted or continued according to the patient's condition and progress.
How wonderful it would be if we could see the effects of chemo and its course of destruction virtually.
I may have been bias here, so I am open to comments and suggestions that tell me how wrong I am about chemo.
It is not uncommon for cancer patients undergoing conventional therapy to feel that they have had enough and want to stop treatment for various reasons. It is tough, very tough to undergo chemo, with all its side-effects, both immediate and long-term. Some felt good after a few doses. For me, it was 3 doses, and I have since found out that I was not the only one. It was like 3 was the optimum, but with each subsequent dose, we felt worse.
I have been through this stage before and I fully understand how a cancer patient at this juncture facing the same problem would feel. It is also at this time that we needed the support of loved ones, and yet the kind of moral support and advice that we received are not always what we wanted. And, usually these are the people who likely have never been through chemo, but somehow feel that they have every right to give advice and make decisions for us.
More often than not, we find our loved ones supporting the doctors instead of us. Their favourite line in echoing the doctors is, 'since you are responding so well, you should continue with the therapy'. Many also have the misconception that we should do everything together, i.e. go with chemo and at the same time, swallow the supplements and whatever alternative medicine there is. Theoretically, it sounds like a brilliant idea, but I beg to differ. For the uninitiated, no matter how much supplements and alternative medicine we pumped into us, these can never matched the degree of toxicity of the chemo.
Chemo cannot get rid of all the cancer cells. A lot depend on the body's immune system to fight back. But how can we expect the body's immune system to do that when it has been so badly battered by chemo? Isn't it possible that the cancer cells will revive faster than the weakened good cells?
Not only that, the chemo caused extensive damage to our liver, kidneys, stomach and heart. For the heart sometimes the damage is irreversible, and for the other organs, recovery is very, very slow and usually not hundred percent.
If the patient is not on any other alternative or complementary treatment, then I have nothing to say. On the other hand, if the patient is on alternative treatment, wouldn't it have been ideal if the concerned ones make an effort to talk to the person responsible for the alternative treatment in order to understand the patient's condition better?
Maybe instead of just giving moral support on the side, take the support one step further, do the ultimate thing - ask to be injected with chemo drugs as well, better still, go dose for dose with us. That would truly be understanding how we feel. Sounds really crazy, but perhaps something worth considering, afterall we have bad cells that are just waiting for the right opportunity and conditions to turn into cancerous cells. That would be a real eye-opener and would be like a preemptive measure for our supporters.
We are aware that a positive attitude helps. We want to be positive too, but how can we remain so when people around us are compelling us to do something against our gut feelings, when they don't have confidence in us and don't give us the right kind of support?
I still remember one of my friends telling me, "I support your decision - at least you are doing something about it". That was like music to my ears, it made me feel so good. Unfortunately, this kind of support is very rare.
As a cancer survivor, who has been there and done that, I can only share my experience. As an outsider, I have no right to urge a fellow cancer patient to heed my advice. In the event that the recovery did not progress as expected, there would be two scenarios here. One is that if I had interfered with the regimen recommended by the doctors, I dare say that blame and accusations would come fast and furious. The other is that if the patient had dutifully followed the advices of family members, friends and doctors who are fully pro-conventional treatment, one or two sentences would suffice to explain the condition, which could be that sometimes there are complications or the cancer was too advanced or aggressive.
Going for more chemo doses than necessary is like 1 step forward towards recovery and 2 steps backward towards organ damage, I could be understating, which could be likely, or I could be exagerating, which I don't think so as that was exactly how I felt at that time.
If chemo is the be all and end all of cancer, why then am I seeing people who keep having relapses despite going through chemo?
I wish that the health ministry would instruct its oncologists to be 'merciful' and not be too heavy-handed in dishing out chemo prescriptions. I wish too, that the board could review the prescribed regimen as and when necessary and that treatment could be interrupted or continued according to the patient's condition and progress.
How wonderful it would be if we could see the effects of chemo and its course of destruction virtually.
I may have been bias here, so I am open to comments and suggestions that tell me how wrong I am about chemo.
Thursday, 21 May 2009
Hurricane Coco
Since 1 January 2009, we have a new addition to the family - a puppy, courtesy of V. She is a Chinese Crested and Yorkshire terrier cross. At 8 months now, she looks more like her father, the Chinese Crested, mostly hairless, slender and long limbs. We called her Coco, as that is the only name she responded to after used to being called 'Cole' before she came to us. Since she came to us, she has brought us a lot of joy, fun and laughter with her antics. Coco may not be up to par with the therapy dogs of Singapore, but I think she is a good enough therapy dog for my family. Many thanks to V and D for this wonderful gift.
Here's Coco with her story.
"Thank you, mama. Hi! Me, Coco, the love and life of the family."
"That's me, sleeping like a baby. Aww, so cute, aren't I?"
"This is what Coco normally does when Coco not sleeping. Notice my nice, soft skin and long, slender legs?"
"Now, I am gonna show you what I am capable of."
"This is what my playpen looked like after mama left me alone at home for a few hours. Mama said it looked like Hurricane Coco visited my playpen. Naw, it's just me, Coco, the shredder. Oh, this is nothing. Sometimes, Coco shred and shred until there were bits and strips of paper all over my playpen. Mama should have taken pictures of those. But today Coco peeed and pooed before Coco thought of shredding. Coco don't wanna have pee and poo all over me, so Coco shredded a little. But, you see, Coco managed to peel off the flooring. Not bad, eh? What? Coco just a puppy, and Coco bored, and maybe a little angry. So.."
"And, that's me, the contortionist."
"This is just a simple one. Mama said sometimes, Coco slept in such a way that she can only see all legs and no head. See, my mama not so handy with the camera, missed all my good shots. Haiz..."
'Let me tell you about the time I became Princess Jelly. That day my knee hurt and mama brought me to The Animal Clinic at Telok Kurau. Ugh! Coco hates to go see the doc. Coco so frightened that Coco keep shaking and trembling. There was this white puppy, full of hair and sh..she w..as sh.aak.ing li..ke mee... Ma..ma.. pp.uut me doownn ne..ext t.t.o h.err aa.nd we..e sh.sh.o.oo.k to.og.e.ther. Th.en he.rr ma..ama p.pii.cked h.er u.pp aa.nd sh.she stopped shaking. See, Coco won, Coco is Princess Jelly cos Coco shooked longer than her. Mama said Coco shook like a bowl of jelly - wonder what's that. Nah, we did not become friends. How to talk when we kept shaking so much?"
"What's that big orange furry thingy that rolled over and said 'meow' when mama said 'hello'? Aiyoh! Mama, let's go. Coco frightened. Se..ee.., Co..oco sh..sha..king. Sheesh! Mama forgot Coco no more hair, trying to frighten Coco out of skin as well."
(Wonder what jiejie is doing in the room.) (Ling, ling, ling) "That's my collar bell, lah. It jingled when I moved. Mama put it for me cos Coco so quiet and she did not want me to get stepped on, especially by my big, fat papa with his big feet. Bless you, mama."
"Jiejie, jie... aiieee! Mama! Mama! Big, black monster!"
Mama : "Coco, what happened to you? What frightened you? Oh... it's only jiejie trying out her long, black gown for the Singapore Youth Festival competition. Coco, see, it's only jiejie."
"Aiyaah, jiejie, you frightened me. You know Coco scared of black colour."
"Coco also scared of strong winds and laundry flying in the wind - always thought it was unidentified flying monster coming to get me."
Dingdong!
"The doorbell irritates me, especially when nobody's home or in the living room. See like that night, the only nearest ones are mama and korkor in the kitchen, then 'dingdong'". (How? What? I'll just "arf! arf!" (not so loud, see?) and run to mama in the kitchen. But, wait, what's that, wow, big, fat daddy going to the door! Now, I can "arf! arf! bowwow! bowwowwow! arf! arf! arf!" See, my daddy is so big, Coco not afraid. Who's that? "arf! arf! arf!" Oh, newspaperman to collect money.)
Dingdong!
(Aaww, what do I do? Go away! Don't frighten me. Nobody's home. Coco scared so Coco not gonna bark, so whoever it is will think nobody's home and go away.)
Dingdong!
(Go away! Go away! Nobody's home. Coco's not home too. Don't bother me.)
"See, all these things frightened me so much out of my hair that Coco can't grow them back."
"Oi! Don't take picture when Coco in the shower. Can't a gal have some privacy? Go away! Stop it! Go away! Leave me alone! Sheesh!"
"Oooh! Coco really loves this. Charging round and round on the sofa. Ooooh! This is fun!"
"Mama said Coco no hair, no problem, cos Coco so adorable and so cute.
I love you, you love me, we are happy family.... arf! arf!"
Here's Coco with her story.
"Thank you, mama. Hi! Me, Coco, the love and life of the family."
"That's me, sleeping like a baby. Aww, so cute, aren't I?"
"This is what Coco normally does when Coco not sleeping. Notice my nice, soft skin and long, slender legs?""Now, I am gonna show you what I am capable of."
"This is what my playpen looked like after mama left me alone at home for a few hours. Mama said it looked like Hurricane Coco visited my playpen. Naw, it's just me, Coco, the shredder. Oh, this is nothing. Sometimes, Coco shred and shred until there were bits and strips of paper all over my playpen. Mama should have taken pictures of those. But today Coco peeed and pooed before Coco thought of shredding. Coco don't wanna have pee and poo all over me, so Coco shredded a little. But, you see, Coco managed to peel off the flooring. Not bad, eh? What? Coco just a puppy, and Coco bored, and maybe a little angry. So.."
"And, that's me, the contortionist."
"This is just a simple one. Mama said sometimes, Coco slept in such a way that she can only see all legs and no head. See, my mama not so handy with the camera, missed all my good shots. Haiz..."
'Let me tell you about the time I became Princess Jelly. That day my knee hurt and mama brought me to The Animal Clinic at Telok Kurau. Ugh! Coco hates to go see the doc. Coco so frightened that Coco keep shaking and trembling. There was this white puppy, full of hair and sh..she w..as sh.aak.ing li..ke mee... Ma..ma.. pp.uut me doownn ne..ext t.t.o h.err aa.nd we..e sh.sh.o.oo.k to.og.e.ther. Th.en he.rr ma..ama p.pii.cked h.er u.pp aa.nd sh.she stopped shaking. See, Coco won, Coco is Princess Jelly cos Coco shooked longer than her. Mama said Coco shook like a bowl of jelly - wonder what's that. Nah, we did not become friends. How to talk when we kept shaking so much?"
"What's that big orange furry thingy that rolled over and said 'meow' when mama said 'hello'? Aiyoh! Mama, let's go. Coco frightened. Se..ee.., Co..oco sh..sha..king. Sheesh! Mama forgot Coco no more hair, trying to frighten Coco out of skin as well."
(Wonder what jiejie is doing in the room.) (Ling, ling, ling) "That's my collar bell, lah. It jingled when I moved. Mama put it for me cos Coco so quiet and she did not want me to get stepped on, especially by my big, fat papa with his big feet. Bless you, mama."
"Jiejie, jie... aiieee! Mama! Mama! Big, black monster!"
Mama : "Coco, what happened to you? What frightened you? Oh... it's only jiejie trying out her long, black gown for the Singapore Youth Festival competition. Coco, see, it's only jiejie."
"Aiyaah, jiejie, you frightened me. You know Coco scared of black colour."
"Coco also scared of strong winds and laundry flying in the wind - always thought it was unidentified flying monster coming to get me."
Dingdong!
"The doorbell irritates me, especially when nobody's home or in the living room. See like that night, the only nearest ones are mama and korkor in the kitchen, then 'dingdong'". (How? What? I'll just "arf! arf!" (not so loud, see?) and run to mama in the kitchen. But, wait, what's that, wow, big, fat daddy going to the door! Now, I can "arf! arf! bowwow! bowwowwow! arf! arf! arf!" See, my daddy is so big, Coco not afraid. Who's that? "arf! arf! arf!" Oh, newspaperman to collect money.)
Dingdong!
(Aaww, what do I do? Go away! Don't frighten me. Nobody's home. Coco scared so Coco not gonna bark, so whoever it is will think nobody's home and go away.)
Dingdong!
(Go away! Go away! Nobody's home. Coco's not home too. Don't bother me.)
"See, all these things frightened me so much out of my hair that Coco can't grow them back."
"Oi! Don't take picture when Coco in the shower. Can't a gal have some privacy? Go away! Stop it! Go away! Leave me alone! Sheesh!""Oooh! Coco really loves this. Charging round and round on the sofa. Ooooh! This is fun!"
"Mama said Coco no hair, no problem, cos Coco so adorable and so cute.
I love you, you love me, we are happy family.... arf! arf!"
Wednesday, 20 May 2009
Chakra Healing
On my way home from NCC today, I stopped by Kg Senang to try chakra healing.
The sessions are free and were done by volunteers.
Most of the time, I had one pair of hands treating me, but at times there were as many as 3 pairs of hands placed on different parts of my body.
This is the first time that I tried chakra healing. I could feel the heat from the volunteers's palms but my body wasn't sensitive enough to feel anything more than that. Although when the treatment initially started on my head, I thought I felt something, but could not really confirm as the ceiling fan was on as well.
I was told to close my eyes and it was supposed to be relaxing. I admit that I dozed off a few times, but I wasn't sure if it was due to the healing or due to the noon sun and I was feeling tired after running around in NCC.
Anyway, I will be going for more healing sessions and we will see by then if it was beneficial to me.
One of the healers there told me that they intend to hold a training session (free) in Singapore sometine end August or early September. It will last for 5 evenings, from Monday to Friday. The dates, times and venue have yet to be confirmed. Those who are interested to learn how to do chakra healing can contact Kg Senang for more information.
For the time being, free chakra healing sessions are held at Kg Senang on every Wednesday and every Sunday. Anyone keen on receiving chakra healing treatment can call Kg Senang for more information.
The sessions are free and were done by volunteers.
Most of the time, I had one pair of hands treating me, but at times there were as many as 3 pairs of hands placed on different parts of my body.
This is the first time that I tried chakra healing. I could feel the heat from the volunteers's palms but my body wasn't sensitive enough to feel anything more than that. Although when the treatment initially started on my head, I thought I felt something, but could not really confirm as the ceiling fan was on as well.
I was told to close my eyes and it was supposed to be relaxing. I admit that I dozed off a few times, but I wasn't sure if it was due to the healing or due to the noon sun and I was feeling tired after running around in NCC.
Anyway, I will be going for more healing sessions and we will see by then if it was beneficial to me.
One of the healers there told me that they intend to hold a training session (free) in Singapore sometine end August or early September. It will last for 5 evenings, from Monday to Friday. The dates, times and venue have yet to be confirmed. Those who are interested to learn how to do chakra healing can contact Kg Senang for more information.
For the time being, free chakra healing sessions are held at Kg Senang on every Wednesday and every Sunday. Anyone keen on receiving chakra healing treatment can call Kg Senang for more information.
Reflection - doctors' attitudes
I am always of the opinion that a doctor should always work together with the patient and not on behalf of the patient in order to achieve the best results.
I do not like the idea of my doctor calling all the shots for me, with the impression that it was in my best interests. Doctors worked according to guidelines based on test results, but it is my body and I ought to know how I feel. There were instances, like the times when doctors were treating my relapses for hyperthyrotoxicosis, where I defied my doctors and was proven correct. Likewise, with my relapse last year, I stood my grounds against the ward doctors in Changi Hospital and again, I was right. That is why I would always ask for information, and if my doctors won't listen to my opinions or my progress according to my gut feelings, I would end up questioning my doctors' decisions.
Before my mastectomy in 2006, I was recommended a doctor in Gleneagles Hospital for a second opinion. He said he would not allow his patients to consume any traditional chinese medicine while undergoing chemotherapy. I decided there and then, that he was never going to be my doctor, even though he was concerned enough to get his staff to hurry me to go for surgery as soon as possible as I had a biopsy done more than 2 weeks before.
I respect the fact that there is substantial investment involved in terms of time and money before a person is qualified as a doctor. But, doctors should bear in mind that they are dealing with bodies that are alive, and that each and every individual is different, and that not everyone will respond to prescribed treatment accordingly. We are not lab mice or cadavers, but live humans with very individual lifestyles and diets. I am sure that there were cases to prove otherwise, but I don't know how or whether those cases were acknowledged.
It irks me to see doctors assumed that all knowing attitude, including that it is their prerogative to ask questions and the duty of the patient is just to answer them, period.
Doctors should be aware that in adopting an intimidating attitude, they will cause their patients undue stress which may complicate matters and may also have an adverse effect. A patient's mindset is very important in any treatment and it won't help matters if the patient become a silent rebel.
I observed that oncos in NCC tend to insist that their patients complete the doses of treatment prescribed and were very unwilling, or even refused, the patients to stop without completing the prescribed treatments, even though test results were favourable and patients felt fine. Their stand is that since the response to the treatment is good, so the treatments should be continued. I wonder if the reason was really in the patient's best interest or if it was to fulfil their quota.
I do not like the idea of my doctor calling all the shots for me, with the impression that it was in my best interests. Doctors worked according to guidelines based on test results, but it is my body and I ought to know how I feel. There were instances, like the times when doctors were treating my relapses for hyperthyrotoxicosis, where I defied my doctors and was proven correct. Likewise, with my relapse last year, I stood my grounds against the ward doctors in Changi Hospital and again, I was right. That is why I would always ask for information, and if my doctors won't listen to my opinions or my progress according to my gut feelings, I would end up questioning my doctors' decisions.
Before my mastectomy in 2006, I was recommended a doctor in Gleneagles Hospital for a second opinion. He said he would not allow his patients to consume any traditional chinese medicine while undergoing chemotherapy. I decided there and then, that he was never going to be my doctor, even though he was concerned enough to get his staff to hurry me to go for surgery as soon as possible as I had a biopsy done more than 2 weeks before.
I respect the fact that there is substantial investment involved in terms of time and money before a person is qualified as a doctor. But, doctors should bear in mind that they are dealing with bodies that are alive, and that each and every individual is different, and that not everyone will respond to prescribed treatment accordingly. We are not lab mice or cadavers, but live humans with very individual lifestyles and diets. I am sure that there were cases to prove otherwise, but I don't know how or whether those cases were acknowledged.
It irks me to see doctors assumed that all knowing attitude, including that it is their prerogative to ask questions and the duty of the patient is just to answer them, period.
Doctors should be aware that in adopting an intimidating attitude, they will cause their patients undue stress which may complicate matters and may also have an adverse effect. A patient's mindset is very important in any treatment and it won't help matters if the patient become a silent rebel.
I observed that oncos in NCC tend to insist that their patients complete the doses of treatment prescribed and were very unwilling, or even refused, the patients to stop without completing the prescribed treatments, even though test results were favourable and patients felt fine. Their stand is that since the response to the treatment is good, so the treatments should be continued. I wonder if the reason was really in the patient's best interest or if it was to fulfil their quota.
LY, AJ and HH
I managed to catch LY at 8.15 this morning at NCC before she went in for her 6th dose of RT. She is still very weak and her eyes were teary - a reaction to her treatment. She also looked very drowsy.
She said when she saw her onco on Monday, he had told her that the RT is causing her tumours to swell thus causing her much discomfort. I met M later and conferred with her, and M thinks that it could be an expected reaction which is why the onco allowed LY to continue with her RT.
AJ was there for her appointment with onco and chemo and I got her to talk to LY and her son. LY's son seemed quite keen about getting his mum to try ayurvedic medicine, as LY had said that she was not going for anymore chemo should she get another relapse.
Next, went with AJ to see her onco with intention to request for copies of her reports and tests results. Must admit I didn't like the attitude of AJ's onco - very unfriendly and unapproachable. He was asking AJ if she had any cough, etc, but I don't recall hearing him ask if she had any questions to ask of him, and it also looked like he was not about to give us any chance to ask, so I asked his nurse for the copies instead. Can understand why AJ was so reluctant to ask for the copies herself.
After that, went with M to look for HH. We found her in the Morning Glory suite of the ATU, waiting to have her chemo. HH looked okay and steady.
She said when she saw her onco on Monday, he had told her that the RT is causing her tumours to swell thus causing her much discomfort. I met M later and conferred with her, and M thinks that it could be an expected reaction which is why the onco allowed LY to continue with her RT.
AJ was there for her appointment with onco and chemo and I got her to talk to LY and her son. LY's son seemed quite keen about getting his mum to try ayurvedic medicine, as LY had said that she was not going for anymore chemo should she get another relapse.
Next, went with AJ to see her onco with intention to request for copies of her reports and tests results. Must admit I didn't like the attitude of AJ's onco - very unfriendly and unapproachable. He was asking AJ if she had any cough, etc, but I don't recall hearing him ask if she had any questions to ask of him, and it also looked like he was not about to give us any chance to ask, so I asked his nurse for the copies instead. Can understand why AJ was so reluctant to ask for the copies herself.
After that, went with M to look for HH. We found her in the Morning Glory suite of the ATU, waiting to have her chemo. HH looked okay and steady.
Tuesday, 19 May 2009
When my brain goes 'duh'
I have noticed that other than my memory lapses, I am also finding it hard to connect with people, meaning that I don't quite catch on with what was said, so much so that my responses are off and sometimes unrelated.
If it is an ongoing conversation on the same subject, I could still follow. But if it is a one-off unrelated question, usually a very general one, I find that sometimes I am momentarily stunned, that what comes out as an answer might cause the other party to consider as weird. And usually after some time, I would realise that I gave a weird answer to a practical question.
Not only that, I am also losing touch with common sense. E emailed from Thailand to say she may be visiting in June depending on the latest flu situation. I replied that Singapore has lowered the level of alert concering the flu virus, only to have her tell me that it wasn't Singapore that she was worried about, but the flight here. Duh?
I also find myself conversing in dialect or mixing Mandarin with dialect with my children, something which they could not understand, and I would only realised it when I finished talking.
I don't know if it's due to too much on my mind (overloading), menopausal, chemo brain, old age, or a combination of all.
If it is an ongoing conversation on the same subject, I could still follow. But if it is a one-off unrelated question, usually a very general one, I find that sometimes I am momentarily stunned, that what comes out as an answer might cause the other party to consider as weird. And usually after some time, I would realise that I gave a weird answer to a practical question.
Not only that, I am also losing touch with common sense. E emailed from Thailand to say she may be visiting in June depending on the latest flu situation. I replied that Singapore has lowered the level of alert concering the flu virus, only to have her tell me that it wasn't Singapore that she was worried about, but the flight here. Duh?
I also find myself conversing in dialect or mixing Mandarin with dialect with my children, something which they could not understand, and I would only realised it when I finished talking.
I don't know if it's due to too much on my mind (overloading), menopausal, chemo brain, old age, or a combination of all.
LY - follow-up
I managed to catch up with LY at NCC this morning when she went for her 5th dose of radiotherapy on the whole head.
She looked very weak and was in a wheelchair. She had complained of giddiness and loss of appetite.
She said that the radiotherapy is causing her tumours to swell which is making her very uncomfortable. I spoke to M and we were not very sure if her giddiness and discomfort is a reaction to the RT. As M put it, LY had just seen her onco yesterday, and if there was any problem, the onco would have put a stop to her RT treatment.
We would probably have to wait until LY completes her full course of 12 doses of RT before we know for sure.
She looked very weak and was in a wheelchair. She had complained of giddiness and loss of appetite.
She said that the radiotherapy is causing her tumours to swell which is making her very uncomfortable. I spoke to M and we were not very sure if her giddiness and discomfort is a reaction to the RT. As M put it, LY had just seen her onco yesterday, and if there was any problem, the onco would have put a stop to her RT treatment.
We would probably have to wait until LY completes her full course of 12 doses of RT before we know for sure.
Monday, 18 May 2009
Taichi
Finally, I have a formal taichi session with the instructor, D, on Sunday. It is usually 2 sets of qigong first, then taichi.
My left knee was still creaking while doing the knee twisting part during qigong. And when we were 'rolling our heads', I was feeling a little woozy since I have vertigo as a result of the fall last year. Some years back, I had a fall that resulted in vertigo, but it had disappeared when I took up qigong two years ago. Now, I am hoping that the qigong will solve my vertigo problem again.
Bai Da Gong - We had a session of Bai Da Gong. This involves slapping ourselves on the full length of 4 sides of all 4 limbs - arms and legs. With each slap, you are supposed to feel the sting on the skin, such that at the end of it, your skin is supposed to turn red. It felt a little like self-torture, but it was supposed to be good for blood circulation.
Taichi - With D's instructions, and with much shifting and adjusting of hands and legs, I think I managed somewhat to do some taichi. There is another set of taichi movements that requires a sword. The length of the sword is not standard and is specially ordered to suit each individual, unless you buy the extendable one. I am skipping that for the time being as I think I have more than enough for my currently muddled brain to handle. Also, the handle of the sword is quite heavy and I am not sure if it will be too much of a strain for my lymphedemic right arm.
On the whole, I felt very good after Sunday's exercise.
D and his wife, A, are very passionate about helping people to improve their health through qigong and taichi. The sessions are free, and they welcome anybody who is interested to join them every Sunday morning at 7.30, unless it rains. The location is somewhere between the beach and carpark D at East Coast Park. Nice sea breeze, cool morning, fresh air, free instructions to get the joints and muscles in good working order and good blood circulation, what more can we want!
My left knee was still creaking while doing the knee twisting part during qigong. And when we were 'rolling our heads', I was feeling a little woozy since I have vertigo as a result of the fall last year. Some years back, I had a fall that resulted in vertigo, but it had disappeared when I took up qigong two years ago. Now, I am hoping that the qigong will solve my vertigo problem again.
Bai Da Gong - We had a session of Bai Da Gong. This involves slapping ourselves on the full length of 4 sides of all 4 limbs - arms and legs. With each slap, you are supposed to feel the sting on the skin, such that at the end of it, your skin is supposed to turn red. It felt a little like self-torture, but it was supposed to be good for blood circulation.
Taichi - With D's instructions, and with much shifting and adjusting of hands and legs, I think I managed somewhat to do some taichi. There is another set of taichi movements that requires a sword. The length of the sword is not standard and is specially ordered to suit each individual, unless you buy the extendable one. I am skipping that for the time being as I think I have more than enough for my currently muddled brain to handle. Also, the handle of the sword is quite heavy and I am not sure if it will be too much of a strain for my lymphedemic right arm.
On the whole, I felt very good after Sunday's exercise.
D and his wife, A, are very passionate about helping people to improve their health through qigong and taichi. The sessions are free, and they welcome anybody who is interested to join them every Sunday morning at 7.30, unless it rains. The location is somewhere between the beach and carpark D at East Coast Park. Nice sea breeze, cool morning, fresh air, free instructions to get the joints and muscles in good working order and good blood circulation, what more can we want!
Friday, 15 May 2009
My cancer, everybody's burden
True, it was my cancer, but it was and still is everrybody's burden.
I am the one who had cancer, and it caused everyone around me concern and worry. They take it on themselves to help me defray the cost of the high medical bills, buy supplements for me, help me with marketing, loan me equipment that will enhance my health, fetch me for my medical checkups and chemo sessions, pray for my recovery, lend me a listening when I became a grouch, and introduce me to other alternative and complementary treatments, and also not forgetting the wig, hat and scarves.
Even the stallholders in the market near my place have made my cancer their burden when they found out about it. The vegetable sellers always give discounts when I had not even ask nor expect it. They changed my vegetables when they saw the ones I picked were damaged or not so fresh. When they learnt that I was looking for a certain herb, they reserved it for me when they had access to it. They also passed me a book on herbal remedies that I had to return as it was in Chinese, a language which I am not confident in.
The pork seller kept telling me not to eat so much pork and that I should stick to the lean part whenever I made purchases at his stall. I had to tell him that those were for my family otherwise he won't stop 'nagging'.
The fish seller would tell me which fish is fresh and which type of fish I could eat. And I always received more change than I deserved.
Even the old lady selling flowers was concerned enough to tell me what vegetables I should not eat.
There are those who gave me an open standing offer, i.e. if and when I needed help, just open my mouth.
There could be other things that may have slipped my mind for now, but every action, big or small will leave an imprint in my heart which is full of gratitude. In fact, so much so that I am now indebted, indebted with mounting debts of gratitude which I am not sure if I can ever have the chance to pay back.
I feel that I am very fortunate and blessed to be surrounded by all these people. And yet, I feel I am like a social burden. I have made people out-of-pocket, out-of-time and out-of-effort when they should have the luxury of all these to themselves.
Now that I am out of danger, these acts of kindness and unasked for favours have not stopped. I am also still getting discounts and special services from the market stall holders.
Meal apppointments were arranged with what sort of food I can take, and yet, I am not allowed to pay for my share. The last such meal I had was with 7 friends (classmates from more than 30 years ago). We had dinner on a Friday night at the Vienna Buffet at United Square. From the array of food displayed, I could tell it was pretty pricey. The worst thing was that I could not take most of the pricier stuff there, like the Buddha jump over the wall soup (herbal), variety of shell fish, beef and duck. At the end, I asked how much and they said, 'oh, we are giving you a treat.' Then I was left to be amused by their whisperings and money changing hands. Oh, I was not affected by the amusing sight, but it is just that that was not the first time they gave me a treat.
I have been a fiercely independent person and never liked to take advantage of people's kindness, that I find this avalanche of acts of kindness overwhelming. My condition is stable now and I have had my fair share of encroaching on others, so I should be saying no to all these gracious offers, otherwise, my debts of gratitude will keep mounting.
For now, I can only say I appreciate every little gracious act, and sincerely thank everyone for it.
I am the one who had cancer, and it caused everyone around me concern and worry. They take it on themselves to help me defray the cost of the high medical bills, buy supplements for me, help me with marketing, loan me equipment that will enhance my health, fetch me for my medical checkups and chemo sessions, pray for my recovery, lend me a listening when I became a grouch, and introduce me to other alternative and complementary treatments, and also not forgetting the wig, hat and scarves.
Even the stallholders in the market near my place have made my cancer their burden when they found out about it. The vegetable sellers always give discounts when I had not even ask nor expect it. They changed my vegetables when they saw the ones I picked were damaged or not so fresh. When they learnt that I was looking for a certain herb, they reserved it for me when they had access to it. They also passed me a book on herbal remedies that I had to return as it was in Chinese, a language which I am not confident in.
The pork seller kept telling me not to eat so much pork and that I should stick to the lean part whenever I made purchases at his stall. I had to tell him that those were for my family otherwise he won't stop 'nagging'.
The fish seller would tell me which fish is fresh and which type of fish I could eat. And I always received more change than I deserved.
Even the old lady selling flowers was concerned enough to tell me what vegetables I should not eat.
There are those who gave me an open standing offer, i.e. if and when I needed help, just open my mouth.
There could be other things that may have slipped my mind for now, but every action, big or small will leave an imprint in my heart which is full of gratitude. In fact, so much so that I am now indebted, indebted with mounting debts of gratitude which I am not sure if I can ever have the chance to pay back.
I feel that I am very fortunate and blessed to be surrounded by all these people. And yet, I feel I am like a social burden. I have made people out-of-pocket, out-of-time and out-of-effort when they should have the luxury of all these to themselves.
Now that I am out of danger, these acts of kindness and unasked for favours have not stopped. I am also still getting discounts and special services from the market stall holders.
Meal apppointments were arranged with what sort of food I can take, and yet, I am not allowed to pay for my share. The last such meal I had was with 7 friends (classmates from more than 30 years ago). We had dinner on a Friday night at the Vienna Buffet at United Square. From the array of food displayed, I could tell it was pretty pricey. The worst thing was that I could not take most of the pricier stuff there, like the Buddha jump over the wall soup (herbal), variety of shell fish, beef and duck. At the end, I asked how much and they said, 'oh, we are giving you a treat.' Then I was left to be amused by their whisperings and money changing hands. Oh, I was not affected by the amusing sight, but it is just that that was not the first time they gave me a treat.
I have been a fiercely independent person and never liked to take advantage of people's kindness, that I find this avalanche of acts of kindness overwhelming. My condition is stable now and I have had my fair share of encroaching on others, so I should be saying no to all these gracious offers, otherwise, my debts of gratitude will keep mounting.
For now, I can only say I appreciate every little gracious act, and sincerely thank everyone for it.
Thursday, 14 May 2009
Nomuun - neuroblastoma cancer patient
My friend, E from Thailand, has just sent me an email about this toddler suffering from neuroblastoma cancer.
She is a Mongolian baby and is currently receiving treatment at a top Thailand hospital. Details on her condition and her fight against cancer at such a young, tender age can be found on the website
http://www.nomuun.net/
It always break my heart to see kids having to go through so much. The only consolation is that at such a young age, she may not completely comprehend the sufferings she is going through. Despite everything, she still looked so happy and carefree. It is her caregivers, especially her parents, who will bear the brunt of her sufferings, looking on helplessly as her tiny body fights the cancer while withstanding the 'hammering' from the chemo.
I hope she continues to make progress, and I hope too, that she will recover to lead a normal, healthy and cancer-free life.
Through contacts, I have since found out that there are so many others who have suffered or are still suffering so much more than me, and so all my closed ones who are still concerned and worried about me should now be relieved that what I have gone through is nothing compared to theirs.
She is a Mongolian baby and is currently receiving treatment at a top Thailand hospital. Details on her condition and her fight against cancer at such a young, tender age can be found on the website
http://www.nomuun.net/
It always break my heart to see kids having to go through so much. The only consolation is that at such a young age, she may not completely comprehend the sufferings she is going through. Despite everything, she still looked so happy and carefree. It is her caregivers, especially her parents, who will bear the brunt of her sufferings, looking on helplessly as her tiny body fights the cancer while withstanding the 'hammering' from the chemo.
I hope she continues to make progress, and I hope too, that she will recover to lead a normal, healthy and cancer-free life.
Through contacts, I have since found out that there are so many others who have suffered or are still suffering so much more than me, and so all my closed ones who are still concerned and worried about me should now be relieved that what I have gone through is nothing compared to theirs.
Living well, leaving well - message to K & Mom
Dear K & Mom
Thank you for visiting my blog.
I respect your privacy and I will not publish your comment.
I will appreciate if you could leave me another comment giving your contact, either email address or phone no. so that I can call and explain the situation to you.
I hope to hear from you.
ml
Alternatively, you could emal :
talk@lifebeforedeath.sg
with your request, as it is their website.
Posted : 15 May
Thank you for visiting my blog.
I respect your privacy and I will not publish your comment.
I will appreciate if you could leave me another comment giving your contact, either email address or phone no. so that I can call and explain the situation to you.
I hope to hear from you.
ml
Alternatively, you could emal :
talk@lifebeforedeath.sg
with your request, as it is their website.
Posted : 15 May
Wednesday, 13 May 2009
Wind in the duodenum - correction (not kidney)
Yesterday evening, I went through another episode of near fainting brought on by indigestion. I nearly blacked out twice but struggled and managed to remain conscious. The indigestion had caused 'wind' to get to my duodenum (I had since seen the ayurvedic master and had described the location to him and he said it should be the duodenum or part of it but not the kidney) and caused pain (I had this before, once last year).
I had some nonya kueh the day before and by that night and yesterday morning, I could feel slight discomfort in my stomach. Then I did a dumber thing. I bought nasi lemak for lunch. I can't cook much now because my hands are very sensitive and wearing gloves did not help much.
I was still fine when I was on the phone earlier with a friend at 5+ in the evening.
About 15 mins later, my youngest came back and I started feeling pain on the right side below my ribcage. I applied essential oil but the pain became more intense anyway. I called the ayurvedic master and was told to apply another oil on top of the essential oil. I was also to drink fresh milk boiled with ghee and taken with honey, plus a bottle of herbal brew, which I have in the fridge, (all his patients are advised to keep some at home).
Despite all these, the pain got worse. I felt all jammed inside. By then my elder two kids and my husband were home.
I called the ayurvedic master again and was told to use a hot compress then followed by cold compress all the way. This brought some relief, but I was still feeling very uncomfortable in my stomach. I tried to retch but nothing came out and my trip to the toilet was unsuccessful too.
I was still in pain, so I called the ayurvedic master a 3rd time and asked if I could take gingelly (from sesame seeds) to help me move my bowels. He said to swallow one teaspoon of gingelly followed by hot water.
Sometime later, I was able to remove my bowels, not much, but still... By then, it was about 9 pm. I decided I wanted to shower and sleep. In the bathroom, I started retching and nearly passed out. I squatted as I was fearful of cracking my head again should I faint. Fortunately, I managed to remain conscious. After throwing out, I felt better and showered.
I called the master to report on my progress. By then, I was in no mood for dinner. He said to just go and sleep, but I said I wanted to take a cup of ghee + milk first. After I had the milk, my son saw me to bed. The moment I lie down, the pain became very excruciating that I nearly passed out again. Fortunately, we had a dustbin lined with plastic bags on standby. My son, quickly helped my up and everything came out (all the milk, that is). By then, I was exhausted and slept in a sitting position propped up by pillows.
All this while my son kept asking if he should call for an ambulance. I kept saying no. I trusted my gut instincts and the ayurvedic master, and I proved to be right. I am aware that it is dangerous to self-diagnose, but I have been through this before and knew what it was all about, except that this time it lasted longer and the pain was worse.
I didn't want to go to the hospital as I didn't think the doctors there were going to believe that I have 'wind' in my right duodenum. Although my knowledge of my anatomy is limited, I know it is not my appendix as it is much further down. I didn't want the doctors to start ordering tests and all. Anyway, I have had enough of hospitals. All I know is that the source of my problem is the gas/wind and if could get rid of it, it would give me some relief and I should be fine.
Sometime through the night, I awoke and find that I was fine enough to lie down. I got up as usual at 5am to prepare breakfast for my kids. I was fine by then, very hungry, yes, but perfectly fine.
My kids were surprised by my recovery. My youngest asked if I was really okay, and when I answered in the affirmative, she commented, 'weird'.
I am surprised that sometimes my brain seemed to lack common sense. In case of indigestion, after the stomach has been emptied, we do not try to put in anymore food, liquid or whatever. Just go and sleep and when we wake up a few hours later, the stomach would have righted itself.
I have learnt through painful experiences that when there is excessive gas builtup in the stomach, it takes hours before the gas could be dissipated.
My this episode, lasting a few hours, had had my family in a fluster, especially my kids. On the whole I think they managed well. I hope that this will not be a prelude to when I become really sick and immobile. I hope that when my time comes, death will be smooth and maybe swift and not long suffering, otherwise it will be tough on my kids.
I realised that I may not be able to avoid these fainting spells. If it were to happen suddenly, and as I aged, I don't think I will survive another crack on the head. I have just referred to my 'bucket list' again and realised that I have not completed a single item there.
1. my funeral and last rites - more or less settled. I am fortunate to have a rinpoche willing to perform the rites for me, that is, if I am lucky enough to go before him. This is not on paper yet.
2. my will - I have had it prepared, but in the old computer which has since died again, after I managed to revived it. I got the ownership of my apartment changed from joint tenancy to tenancy-in-common so that I can willed my share of the place to my kids when I am gone. My husband wasn't too happy and I don't understand what his grouse is about. I don't care who he hitches up with when I am gone, but I want to ensure that my kids will not be left homeless. Now I have to find out how to do one again. Going to the lawyer will easily settle it but I want to do it myself.
3. junking - is ongoing and I don't think it will ever be completed.
4. leaving letters for my kids - I have another idea now. I aim to start a private blog only for my kids and with the password available to them. It's going to have memories of them when they were young, my fears and hopes for them and whatever advice I think will be useful for them. They can log in and read and post their feelings too or make comments. Hmm.... just got to get it started somehow.
I had some nonya kueh the day before and by that night and yesterday morning, I could feel slight discomfort in my stomach. Then I did a dumber thing. I bought nasi lemak for lunch. I can't cook much now because my hands are very sensitive and wearing gloves did not help much.
I was still fine when I was on the phone earlier with a friend at 5+ in the evening.
About 15 mins later, my youngest came back and I started feeling pain on the right side below my ribcage. I applied essential oil but the pain became more intense anyway. I called the ayurvedic master and was told to apply another oil on top of the essential oil. I was also to drink fresh milk boiled with ghee and taken with honey, plus a bottle of herbal brew, which I have in the fridge, (all his patients are advised to keep some at home).
Despite all these, the pain got worse. I felt all jammed inside. By then my elder two kids and my husband were home.
I called the ayurvedic master again and was told to use a hot compress then followed by cold compress all the way. This brought some relief, but I was still feeling very uncomfortable in my stomach. I tried to retch but nothing came out and my trip to the toilet was unsuccessful too.
I was still in pain, so I called the ayurvedic master a 3rd time and asked if I could take gingelly (from sesame seeds) to help me move my bowels. He said to swallow one teaspoon of gingelly followed by hot water.
Sometime later, I was able to remove my bowels, not much, but still... By then, it was about 9 pm. I decided I wanted to shower and sleep. In the bathroom, I started retching and nearly passed out. I squatted as I was fearful of cracking my head again should I faint. Fortunately, I managed to remain conscious. After throwing out, I felt better and showered.
I called the master to report on my progress. By then, I was in no mood for dinner. He said to just go and sleep, but I said I wanted to take a cup of ghee + milk first. After I had the milk, my son saw me to bed. The moment I lie down, the pain became very excruciating that I nearly passed out again. Fortunately, we had a dustbin lined with plastic bags on standby. My son, quickly helped my up and everything came out (all the milk, that is). By then, I was exhausted and slept in a sitting position propped up by pillows.
All this while my son kept asking if he should call for an ambulance. I kept saying no. I trusted my gut instincts and the ayurvedic master, and I proved to be right. I am aware that it is dangerous to self-diagnose, but I have been through this before and knew what it was all about, except that this time it lasted longer and the pain was worse.
I didn't want to go to the hospital as I didn't think the doctors there were going to believe that I have 'wind' in my right duodenum. Although my knowledge of my anatomy is limited, I know it is not my appendix as it is much further down. I didn't want the doctors to start ordering tests and all. Anyway, I have had enough of hospitals. All I know is that the source of my problem is the gas/wind and if could get rid of it, it would give me some relief and I should be fine.
Sometime through the night, I awoke and find that I was fine enough to lie down. I got up as usual at 5am to prepare breakfast for my kids. I was fine by then, very hungry, yes, but perfectly fine.
My kids were surprised by my recovery. My youngest asked if I was really okay, and when I answered in the affirmative, she commented, 'weird'.
I am surprised that sometimes my brain seemed to lack common sense. In case of indigestion, after the stomach has been emptied, we do not try to put in anymore food, liquid or whatever. Just go and sleep and when we wake up a few hours later, the stomach would have righted itself.
I have learnt through painful experiences that when there is excessive gas builtup in the stomach, it takes hours before the gas could be dissipated.
My this episode, lasting a few hours, had had my family in a fluster, especially my kids. On the whole I think they managed well. I hope that this will not be a prelude to when I become really sick and immobile. I hope that when my time comes, death will be smooth and maybe swift and not long suffering, otherwise it will be tough on my kids.
I realised that I may not be able to avoid these fainting spells. If it were to happen suddenly, and as I aged, I don't think I will survive another crack on the head. I have just referred to my 'bucket list' again and realised that I have not completed a single item there.
1. my funeral and last rites - more or less settled. I am fortunate to have a rinpoche willing to perform the rites for me, that is, if I am lucky enough to go before him. This is not on paper yet.
2. my will - I have had it prepared, but in the old computer which has since died again, after I managed to revived it. I got the ownership of my apartment changed from joint tenancy to tenancy-in-common so that I can willed my share of the place to my kids when I am gone. My husband wasn't too happy and I don't understand what his grouse is about. I don't care who he hitches up with when I am gone, but I want to ensure that my kids will not be left homeless. Now I have to find out how to do one again. Going to the lawyer will easily settle it but I want to do it myself.
3. junking - is ongoing and I don't think it will ever be completed.
4. leaving letters for my kids - I have another idea now. I aim to start a private blog only for my kids and with the password available to them. It's going to have memories of them when they were young, my fears and hopes for them and whatever advice I think will be useful for them. They can log in and read and post their feelings too or make comments. Hmm.... just got to get it started somehow.
Sunday, 10 May 2009
Life after cancer and chemo
Cancer and chemo - In pursuit of the sometimes elusive and hard-to-get C's, i.e cash, credit card, condo, car, I am very certain that these are 2 C's that nobody wants.
Life after cancer will never be the same as before. The sooner I realised that, the sooner I can get on with living. True, changes have to be made, especially our diet and lifestyle. Being resilient and adaptable helps.
Of course, I don't deny that sometimes there are frustrations. There are times when I wish I could live life as free and easy as before.
I have never lived for the main purpose of eating and I only eat in order to live. So, I can handle a restricted diet without much problem. In fact, I would be really happy if I can live on air and water alone, if not for the fact I would be lacking in nutrients and substance. It would have saved me a lot of time, effort and hassle, and money too. Although, I must admit sometimes, there are temptations, and I wish I could indulge a little. I am quite careless about the food I eat and I really detested the idea of having always to go organic and having to stick to a special diet. A cousin in the States told me that she did that for 3 years and she got tired of it.
Personally, I don't really think that food played a big part in my getting cancer and relapse. In fact, before my relapse, I was mostly on vegetarian and fish, and yet I still could not escape from it.
And yes, I tire easily now. I take 2 to 3 naps a day and usually, my naps last for 2 to 3 hours each time. If I have a prior appointment, I would set an alarm. And, if I don't have time for a nap, I resort to coffee to keep me awake. Of course, there are times when I am frustrated by my fatigue as it eats into my time, and there are a lot of stuff that I want to do. Normally, after an outing, I am flat when I reached home.
Borrowing WC's analogy of the car engine to explain her energy level, before cancer, I tried to force myself to go at 2000cc or more when my capacity was only about 1800cc. Now, I only have a capacity of less than 1000cc and it kept sputtering and threatening to die. I kept having to rest and recharge.
I accepted the fact that I have had cancer, but I do not allow that fact to control me. I do pay more attention to lumps and aches and pains, but I do not spend each day of my life living in fear that the cancer is going to come back.
At the same time, I do not live in denial, neither do I avoid talking about it. Denying and avoiding it does not mean that the cancer will not come back, neither does not being reminded about it helps.
I am very open about my condition. I find that usually when I share, people become sympathetic, in fact too sympathetic for my liking. When I share, I am not looking for sympathy, but awareness.
On the plus side though, I find that my sickness has brought me closer to my family and friends, now it seemed to be fairly easy for me to make new friends. Several Saturdays ago, I attended a talk on vertical gardening at Hort Park and ended up chatting with a retired nurse from SGH. I regretted not getting her contact, but she has access to my blog and hopefully, she may decide to leave her contact under the 'comment' in my blog.
Life after cancer will never be the same as before. The sooner I realised that, the sooner I can get on with living. True, changes have to be made, especially our diet and lifestyle. Being resilient and adaptable helps.
Of course, I don't deny that sometimes there are frustrations. There are times when I wish I could live life as free and easy as before.
I have never lived for the main purpose of eating and I only eat in order to live. So, I can handle a restricted diet without much problem. In fact, I would be really happy if I can live on air and water alone, if not for the fact I would be lacking in nutrients and substance. It would have saved me a lot of time, effort and hassle, and money too. Although, I must admit sometimes, there are temptations, and I wish I could indulge a little. I am quite careless about the food I eat and I really detested the idea of having always to go organic and having to stick to a special diet. A cousin in the States told me that she did that for 3 years and she got tired of it.
Personally, I don't really think that food played a big part in my getting cancer and relapse. In fact, before my relapse, I was mostly on vegetarian and fish, and yet I still could not escape from it.
And yes, I tire easily now. I take 2 to 3 naps a day and usually, my naps last for 2 to 3 hours each time. If I have a prior appointment, I would set an alarm. And, if I don't have time for a nap, I resort to coffee to keep me awake. Of course, there are times when I am frustrated by my fatigue as it eats into my time, and there are a lot of stuff that I want to do. Normally, after an outing, I am flat when I reached home.
Borrowing WC's analogy of the car engine to explain her energy level, before cancer, I tried to force myself to go at 2000cc or more when my capacity was only about 1800cc. Now, I only have a capacity of less than 1000cc and it kept sputtering and threatening to die. I kept having to rest and recharge.
I accepted the fact that I have had cancer, but I do not allow that fact to control me. I do pay more attention to lumps and aches and pains, but I do not spend each day of my life living in fear that the cancer is going to come back.
At the same time, I do not live in denial, neither do I avoid talking about it. Denying and avoiding it does not mean that the cancer will not come back, neither does not being reminded about it helps.
I am very open about my condition. I find that usually when I share, people become sympathetic, in fact too sympathetic for my liking. When I share, I am not looking for sympathy, but awareness.
On the plus side though, I find that my sickness has brought me closer to my family and friends, now it seemed to be fairly easy for me to make new friends. Several Saturdays ago, I attended a talk on vertical gardening at Hort Park and ended up chatting with a retired nurse from SGH. I regretted not getting her contact, but she has access to my blog and hopefully, she may decide to leave her contact under the 'comment' in my blog.
LY
LY is a member of The Revival Connection. She had just completed another course of chemo - I am not too sure if it's her second or third. This last course comprised of 6 doses of docetaxol (taxotere) + carboplatin + herceptin - which was what I had.
I had spoken to her recently and she had told me then, that her CA153 marker had gone down to 10.+ after her last dose of chemo, but she also had water retention on her legs and left arm.
Then, she had also asked me about the traditional herbal medicine that I was taking, as her son was quite impressed with my progress when I met them some time ago in NCC, and he had LY asked me about it. LY said that $180 per dose per week was too costly for her so she decided to stick with Thong Chai Medical, where they have 3 cancer specialists there. The problem is that due to the number of cases now, her appointments are scheduled at 1 1/2 months apart. I always feel that when treating advanced cancer cases, appointments should be scheduled closer to enable better monitoring. However, it is a sad but true fact that there are so many cancer cases now and treatment of cancer is so costly that a lot of people will head for Thong Chai which provides free medical treatment.
LY called me again on 7 May, Thursday, and told me that the ct scan done after the completion of her chemo showed that the cancer had spread to her brain. She was to go for MRI that day for more details. In the meantime, she was only given steroids to try and control the growth.
I called LY this morning. She said the MRI confirmed that the cancer had spread to her brain and that she had multiple small tumours all over her brain. The radiation oncologist prescribed 12 doses of radiation for the whole head over 12 days and she is scheduled for her first dose on 13 May. Each session is supposed to last for 15 minutes.
I don't understand how while undergoing chemo, the cancer can still spread to her brain, and yet her CA 153 marker is so low at 10.+. LY did mentioned that her onco said that her combination of chemo drugs for this round would not affect the brain. Does that mean that it will not kill the brain cells, but how about the cancer cells then? Did she have too much chemo that now her immune system is unable to fight back? She also had cancer spreading to her liver, though I cannot remember which relapse it was now.
For LY, this is not the first time she had tumours in the brain. It had happened once before. She also had just completed her chemo for breast cancer, when tests done post chemo found that the cancer had spread to her brain.
I had spoken to M (another member of TRC) about LY's case and M had asked how I felt. Of course, there is disappointment and frustration, especially when I had recovered well enough to be discharged from hospice care. M had mentioned that we have to be prepared that things can go either way. It is true. We were never meant to be on this earth permanently. It is just that some people have a harder and shorter time here while others have an easier passage. In the meantime, life has to go on and we have to do justice to it by trying to live it in as meaningful a manner as possible.
However, I do wonder too, that for now, if I was just lucky to have been able to escape from the clutches of the vicious cycle of cancer -> chemo/radiation -> relapse -> chemo/radiation......, or was it because I made the right choice of treatment?
I had spoken to her recently and she had told me then, that her CA153 marker had gone down to 10.+ after her last dose of chemo, but she also had water retention on her legs and left arm.
Then, she had also asked me about the traditional herbal medicine that I was taking, as her son was quite impressed with my progress when I met them some time ago in NCC, and he had LY asked me about it. LY said that $180 per dose per week was too costly for her so she decided to stick with Thong Chai Medical, where they have 3 cancer specialists there. The problem is that due to the number of cases now, her appointments are scheduled at 1 1/2 months apart. I always feel that when treating advanced cancer cases, appointments should be scheduled closer to enable better monitoring. However, it is a sad but true fact that there are so many cancer cases now and treatment of cancer is so costly that a lot of people will head for Thong Chai which provides free medical treatment.
LY called me again on 7 May, Thursday, and told me that the ct scan done after the completion of her chemo showed that the cancer had spread to her brain. She was to go for MRI that day for more details. In the meantime, she was only given steroids to try and control the growth.
I called LY this morning. She said the MRI confirmed that the cancer had spread to her brain and that she had multiple small tumours all over her brain. The radiation oncologist prescribed 12 doses of radiation for the whole head over 12 days and she is scheduled for her first dose on 13 May. Each session is supposed to last for 15 minutes.
I don't understand how while undergoing chemo, the cancer can still spread to her brain, and yet her CA 153 marker is so low at 10.+. LY did mentioned that her onco said that her combination of chemo drugs for this round would not affect the brain. Does that mean that it will not kill the brain cells, but how about the cancer cells then? Did she have too much chemo that now her immune system is unable to fight back? She also had cancer spreading to her liver, though I cannot remember which relapse it was now.
For LY, this is not the first time she had tumours in the brain. It had happened once before. She also had just completed her chemo for breast cancer, when tests done post chemo found that the cancer had spread to her brain.
I had spoken to M (another member of TRC) about LY's case and M had asked how I felt. Of course, there is disappointment and frustration, especially when I had recovered well enough to be discharged from hospice care. M had mentioned that we have to be prepared that things can go either way. It is true. We were never meant to be on this earth permanently. It is just that some people have a harder and shorter time here while others have an easier passage. In the meantime, life has to go on and we have to do justice to it by trying to live it in as meaningful a manner as possible.
However, I do wonder too, that for now, if I was just lucky to have been able to escape from the clutches of the vicious cycle of cancer -> chemo/radiation -> relapse -> chemo/radiation......, or was it because I made the right choice of treatment?
Wednesday, 6 May 2009
Aware saga - the other part
A friend had emailed me about the Aware saga, putting, among other things, women in a bad light. I had remembered a saying about something relating to a 'woman scorned' but could not recall the exact words, so I did a google search.
I found the words alright => "Hell hath no fury/wrath like that of a woman scorned."
And I also found something very interesting.
An example of bitchiness at its best or worst, depending on how you view it.
I found the words alright => "Hell hath no fury/wrath like that of a woman scorned."
And I also found something very interesting.
An example of bitchiness at its best or worst, depending on how you view it.
Monday, 4 May 2009
Taichi, anyone?
I liked the sight of people practicing taichi with their coordinated fluid movements. It is so graceful.
I had my first go at taichi yesterday and, well, my movements were anything but fluid and coordinated. I had a quite a time trying to catch up with the person showing us as I was shifting/adjusting my hands, arms, feet and legs most of the time. I was out of sync most of the time.
The instructor did not turn up and one of the more experienced students, a lady, led us through the routine.
We had started with qigong, which was quite manageable as I had learnt it before, although the steps and movements seemed different. All that leg bends and twists had my joints creaking.
Then we did taichi. As a first timer, I admit it was tough trying to follow the movements of the four limbs and the turns and steps all at the same time.
I had wanted to improve my blood circulation and get some exercise in as well. My legs were giving me problems. If I had them straight for some time through walking or standing, and when I squatted, I need a lot of effort to stand up. If I stood up to walk away from a sitting position, I had to control myself otherwise I would be waddling like a duck for some seconds because my hip joints, knees and my heels hurt. Getting down from the bus also posed a slight problem and so is getting out of a car after a long car ride.
So, I was enthusiastic and game enough to try and complete most of the routines, And today, I found that my muscles had become casualties of my enthusiasm. I had not been doing proper exercise for some time and had also not done my warmups properly. The muscles on my legs were still not too bad. The main casualty is the muscles on my upper right arm, the one with the lymphedema and some lymph nodes removed. I must have stretched it a bit too much because it hurts to the touch and in most movements. I had forgotten that after surgery, if I don't stretch this arm regularly, the muscles tend to get stiff and tight.
I had my first go at taichi yesterday and, well, my movements were anything but fluid and coordinated. I had a quite a time trying to catch up with the person showing us as I was shifting/adjusting my hands, arms, feet and legs most of the time. I was out of sync most of the time.
The instructor did not turn up and one of the more experienced students, a lady, led us through the routine.
We had started with qigong, which was quite manageable as I had learnt it before, although the steps and movements seemed different. All that leg bends and twists had my joints creaking.
Then we did taichi. As a first timer, I admit it was tough trying to follow the movements of the four limbs and the turns and steps all at the same time.
I had wanted to improve my blood circulation and get some exercise in as well. My legs were giving me problems. If I had them straight for some time through walking or standing, and when I squatted, I need a lot of effort to stand up. If I stood up to walk away from a sitting position, I had to control myself otherwise I would be waddling like a duck for some seconds because my hip joints, knees and my heels hurt. Getting down from the bus also posed a slight problem and so is getting out of a car after a long car ride.
So, I was enthusiastic and game enough to try and complete most of the routines, And today, I found that my muscles had become casualties of my enthusiasm. I had not been doing proper exercise for some time and had also not done my warmups properly. The muscles on my legs were still not too bad. The main casualty is the muscles on my upper right arm, the one with the lymphedema and some lymph nodes removed. I must have stretched it a bit too much because it hurts to the touch and in most movements. I had forgotten that after surgery, if I don't stretch this arm regularly, the muscles tend to get stiff and tight.
Friday, 1 May 2009
Living well, leaving well
The May issue of Lifestyle magazine has a very interesting article, 'Saying Goodbye'.
Enclosed is also a CD entitled, 'Living Well, Leaving Well'. I had wanted to load the CD on youtube but I realised that it is too long - 48 minutes. There are a lot of segments that could be cut - well, I have to put this till later, if and when I figure out how to do it.
They also have a website which I highly recommend : www.lifebeforedeath.sg
I have been wanting to write about this topic, especially since reading a letter in the papers recently about the difficulties of discussing the topic of death with a terminally ill family member.
I think this article couldn't have been published at a more opportune time. This is a project sponsored by the Lien Foundation. The whole project was very well put together and covered a lot of areas which I could not have thought of.
Enclosed is also a CD entitled, 'Living Well, Leaving Well'. I had wanted to load the CD on youtube but I realised that it is too long - 48 minutes. There are a lot of segments that could be cut - well, I have to put this till later, if and when I figure out how to do it.
They also have a website which I highly recommend : www.lifebeforedeath.sg
I have been wanting to write about this topic, especially since reading a letter in the papers recently about the difficulties of discussing the topic of death with a terminally ill family member.
I think this article couldn't have been published at a more opportune time. This is a project sponsored by the Lien Foundation. The whole project was very well put together and covered a lot of areas which I could not have thought of.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)