When death becomes a reality

When I found the newest lump on 25 Nov, I was reminded of the last relapse, when the lumps were appearing one after another, that I lost count. The last time, it had started on the right chest wall and had moved to the base of my neck and upwards.

This time, my first thought was that it might spread to my brain given the aggressiveness of the cancer cells.

I had mentioned that the discovery of new lumps brought no fear, but frustrations and disbelief. Actually, it did bring on fear, but it was not the fear of death, rather, it was a fear of not being prepared for death. It was a stark reality of facing death head-on.

I admit that the last couple of days passed in a blur. It was like time was runing out for me and yet there are so many tasks that I have left undone. I was mentally going through the tasks and yet at the same time, I was aware that I may not have the energy and time to cope with the fight and the unfinished tasks. After I overcame the last relapse, I had eased off, became complacent and living life as normal as possible.

Uppermost in my mind was my children. I worried about how they would cope without me around. I worried about their health, their future, their everything. I had tried so many times to broach on the subject of death with my eldest, but he has always felt uncomfortable about discussing the possibility that my death may be untimely. With my girls, I had talked easily about my death with them. But I suspected that they were not taking it seriously yet, because they could see me still so lively and still nagging and scolding them.

I am aware that it is my attachment to my children that made me worry so much about them. I just could not let go.

Now, I must also instil discipline in myself, be focused and make it a priority to see to that 'to-do-list', just in case the AM was wrong.

My apologies

I apologise for causing undue stress and worry to family and friends about my last posting on my health.

I had a talk with the AM yesterday, asking him about the lumps and the aches.

He explained that he is clearing my liver. The chemo had shriveled my lymphatics so it is already not performing at optimum. He said I must have taken some cold or sour stuff that aggravated the situation by causing them to choke up, and the chokages appeared as lumps.

As for the aches, it is nothing unusual as the lumps and 'wind' pressed on the nerves, it will caused pain.

I am no expert on the anatomy, but I got a gist of what he was explaining to me.

He assured me that there was nothing to worry about as he would take care of all that. All I need to do was be obedient and watch what I eat. For the cold stuff, I admit that I have taken a lot of ice cream lately and the sour stuff could be the enzyme that I was also taking.

Dare I take him at his words for it? I do.

After fighting cancer for more than 3 years and experiencing a relapse, all those lumps and aches and pains became all too familiar. To the oncos and cancer survivors, it can only mean one thing - relapse. I had actually felt fine, other than being tired and my cancer market was still below normal.

When 1 new lump appeared on Wednesday, I had my doubts and thought that the AM was not being frank with me when I asked about the lumps a week ago.

Strangely, the thought of relapse did not bring on fear. Instead it was one of frustrations and disbelief.

I practically had an arsenal fighting my cancer, i.e. my faith, ayurvedic herbal medicine, Carnivora, Chakra healing, exercise, etc. So, what went wrong? Is it lack of rest/sleep, emotions, diet?

I didn't have time to dwell on that. I stopped my one cup a day coffee immediately, and emailed Carnivora to replenish my Graviola capsules. I had also been planning to engage the help of my chakra adjustment buddies.

After the AM's explanation and assurance, I guessed I had reacted too fast. I supposed after what I have been through and seeing what happened to others, I learnt that taking proactive measures and fighting is probably the best way out. I am aware that sometimes we win and sometimes we lose, but it's enough to know a darned good fight was fought. However, I do admit that I am exhausted by the long drawn-out battle, which never seemed to end.

New lump

I was diagnosed in Sep/Oct 2006, had surgery on Nov 2006, had a relapse in Sep/Oct 2007. Now, when the months passed into the second half of the year, subconsciously, I had been wary.

25 Nov 2009, Wed, I discovered another new lump. This one was just about an inch below my right collar bone. I hated it when they appear so high up, like gunning for my brain.

I have one lump on my right since Jan this year and it had remained stable. But some months back due to abrasion with my undergarment, the skin broke. I have been trying hard to get the skin to heal, and it did improve with chakra adjustment, but with new chafing, the skin broke again.

I noticed that the new lumps appeared after the skin on that first lump broke. Now, that lump has become bigger. I now wonder if that lump is malignant, and with the breaking of skin and the grade 3 cancer cells, it has now caused a relapse? Looks like the tenacious tentacles of cancer had its grip on me again.

The AM has assured me that it was not cancer. I am aware that sometimes he does want to be forthright in case the mind started getting all negative and worked against the body.

However, I could feel the slight aches when there was pressure on my nerves on the right side of my chest, and I don't think I am wrong about that.

I had been considering if I should blog this. In order to raise awareness, I do, but unfortunately, I will be causing stress, worry and concern to those around me, which is what I hated.

To blog or not?

I was cleaning up the 'contacts' on my mobile and email and deleting those of people who are no more around when a thought came to me.

Quite a number of bloggers passed on and their blogs are left suspended with their untimely departure. I wonder if their followers feel a sense of emptiness when they visit the blogs and realized that there will never be anymore new postings .

I do consider that and wonder if I should stop updating my blog now and close it while I am still around.

This thought has been uppermost in my mind recently, since I realized that I have another fight on my hands about my health again, not that I have stopped fighting for my health for more than 3 years, but this is another new hurdle and I am still considering my strategy.

I really don't like to leave something hanging, and yet I am not sure whether it will be beneficial to anyone if I blog about my new round of fight.

Chemo drug blunder at KKH

Recently, KKH made a blunder out of administering chemo drugs by continuous infusion to two cancer patients.

The patients received the recommended doses of chemo in a matter of hours instead of over 3 days, for one, and 5 days for the other.

KKH claimed that the blunder came about because the two pumps for longer and shorter infusion times were similar in appearance.

According to the media, KKH seemingly responded accordingly and had the situation under control. However, according to blog postings made by the son of one of the patients, this was not the case. The attitude and response of this patient's onco were even more appalling.

From my experience at NCC and the blog posts of how KKH handled the situation, I got the idea that KKH falls short of expectations. I am really surprised by their slow reaction, and I wonder why it was the pharmacists who came to them first.

While I was undergoing chemo, there were several times when I mentioned to the attending nurse that I was itching, immediately the drip was stopped and the doctor on duty was paged. While waiting for the doctor to turn up, the nurses would be checking on me and even asked to see the itching spots.

Once, the chemo drug leaked and burnt the skin on my arm causing blisters. On advice from my onco, I went to the ATU to show the nurses my blisters and burnt marks. The doctor on duty was called, and the nurse took measurements and photos of my wounds as well. I had asked why they had to do that and was told that it had to be on record.

As I was always asking questions, the moment I cast any doubt about the prescription, dosage or drug, the attending nurse would call my onco for confirmation. They would not proceed without my onco's okay.

When handling such toxic drugs as chemo, the persons administering should exercise extra caution as the toxic drugs would be injected into a patient's body, and at risk here is the patient's health and life.

Funny swine flu video

Eye on the Flu Shot

What goes into that flu shot (the hilarious version)

H1N1 Flu Vaccine exposed

This article was taken from Dr Mercola's website and reproduced here in its entirety as it is available to members only.



Studies show that flu vaccines are unsafe and ineffective. This presentation by the Thinktwice Global Vaccine Institute includes a visual depiction of flu vaccine production -- how the flu vaccine is made and what it contains.

Dr Mercola's comments :

The video by Thinktwice Global Vaccine Institute offers a good summary of what every person should know about the seasonal flu vaccine; how it’s made, and its effectiveness.

Signs and Symptoms of Influenza

As most of you probably know, influenza is a contagious viral respiratory infection. Symptoms include:

• Fever

• Chills

• Runny nose

• Sore throat

• Cough

• Muscle aches

• Fatigue

• Decreased appetite

Typically, the condition will improve after two to three days of bed rest, although some symptoms may persist for about a week.

What many people do NOT know, however, is that death caused directly by the flu virus is very rare. The vast majority of so-called “flu deaths” are in fact due to bacterial pneumonia – a potential complication of the flu if your immune system is too weak.

Other complications can include ear- or sinus infections, dehydration, and worsening of chronic health conditions.

The elderly and people with other pre existing medical conditions such as asthma, diabetes, or heart disease, are at higher risk of developing pneumonia after a bout of the flu.

The Flu Vaccine Does Not Prevent the Flu, nor Protect Against the Vast Majority of Flu-Related Deaths

The conventional treatment for bacterial pneumonia is an antibiotic, not a viral flu drug, so to think that taking a flu vaccine will prevent death from pneumonia doesn’t really make sense.

“But the vaccine will prevent the flu, which will prevent the possibility of developing pneumonia,” some might say.

That sounds good in theory, but the statistics simply do not support this assertion.

Because study after study, and master studies that compile the results from several studies to get a more objective result, keep coming to the same conclusion: Flu vaccines DO NOT WORK, and in many cases do more harm than good.

In fact, one shocking statistic brought to light in this video is that BEFORE the CDC advocated vaccinating children under the age of five, the number of children dying from the flu was very low, and on the decline.

Then, in 2003, just after children aged five and under started getting vaccinated, the number of flu deaths SKYROCKETED. The death toll was enormous compared to the previous year, when the flu vaccine was not administered en masse to that age group!

How anyone can consider a strategy that yields a higher death toll to be a “success” is a mystery to me.

The Problem with Flu Death Statistics

However, as frightening as much of this may sound, it’s important to keep things in perspective. According to the statistics shown in the video above, more Americans die from asthma, and even malnutrition each year, than the flu.

Unfortunately, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) grossly distort the facts about flu deaths, making the flu virus seem far more dangerous than is warranted. On the CDC’s main flu page, they state that about 36,000 people die from the flu in the United States each year.

But if you search a little harder, you can find the actual number of people who died from the flu in 2005 (this is the most recent data that’s available) was 1,806. The remainder was caused by pneumonia. In 2004, there were just 1,100 actual flu deaths.

The statistics the CDC gives are skewed partly because they classify those dying from pneumonia as dying from the flu, which is inaccurate.

How is the Flu Vaccine Made?

This is another area that many people do not understand or take into consideration before getting a seasonal flu shot.

In January or February of each year, health authorities travel to Asia to determine which strains of the flu are currently active. Based on their findings in Asia, they assume that the same strains of viruses will spread to the U.S. by fall.

At this point, U.S. vaccine manufacturers start making that season’s flu vaccine, which will contain the strains found in Asia. However, if the viral strains circulating in the U.S. that season are not identical to those in Asia, the vaccine you receive is a complete dud.

And to add insult to injury, you’ve just been injected with a laundry list of harmful ingredients.

What’s in the Seasonal Flu Vaccine?

The flu strains selected are cultivated in chick embryos for several weeks before being inactivated with formaldehyde, which is a known cancer-causing agent. Then they’re preserved with thimerosal, which is 49 percent mercury by weight.

Even many health care professionals are confused about this and are not aware that the preservative thimerosal is mercury. As a quick side note, one of my chief writers told me that, “the doctor’s office told me the vaccine does not contain mercury, just something called thimerosal.”

Please, don’t be fooled by this incredible ignorance. If you have carefully studied this issue there is a great possibility you may know more than your physician about this topic. Don’t back down if they tell you something you otherwise know to be true.

According to the CDC, the majority of flu vaccines contain thimerosal. Some contain as much as 25 mcg of mercury per dose. This means that it may contain more than 250 times the Environmental Protection Agency’s safety limit for mercury.

By now, most people are well aware that children and fetuses are most at risk of damage from this neurotoxin, as their brains are still developing. Yet the CDC still recommends that children over 6 months, and pregnant women, receive the flu vaccine each year.

In addition to mercury, flu vaccines also contain other toxic or hazardous ingredients like:

• Aluminum -- a neurotoxin that has been linked to Alzheimer’s disease

• Triton X-100 -- a detergent

• Phenol (carbolic acid)

• Ethylene glycol (antifreeze)

• Betapropiolactone - a disinfectant

• Nonoxynol - used to kill or stop growth of STDs

• Octoxinol 9 - a vaginal spermicide

• Sodium phosphate

How Safe is the Flu Vaccine?

Serious reactions to the flu vaccine include, but are not limited to:

• Life-threatening allergies to various ingredients

• Guillain-Barre Syndrome (a severe paralytic disease that is fatal in about 1 in 20 cases)

• Encephalitis (brain inflammation)

• Neurological disorders

• Thrombocytopenia (a serious blood disorder)

How Effective is the Flu Vaccine?

Remember that the potential effectiveness of a flu vaccine is dependent on the ASSUMPTION, made nearly a year in advance, that Asia’s viral strains will be the ones hitting the U.S. When they guess wrong, the vaccine is worthless from the very start.

But does that mean they withdraw the flu vaccine when they discover it contains the wrong strains? NO! They just keep giving it out anyway.

But even if they were to overcome that hurdle and actually select the correct strains, there’s still no evidence that it does anyone any good to get a flu vaccine.

Study after study comes back showing the same dismal results: the flu vaccines are not an effective method of prevention of the flu, and they do not save lives. As mentioned earlier, they may even be responsible for an increased death rate in some groups.

Sometimes determining efficacy is as easy as reading the information coming straight from the vaccine manufacturer.

How about this quote taken directly from the flu vaccine FLULAVAL’s package insert (which you likely never see when getting the flu shot) for the 2009-2010 formula:

" FLULAVAL is an influenza virus vaccine indicated for active immunization of adults 18 years of age and older against influenza disease caused by influenza virus subtypes A and type B contained in the vaccine. This indication is based on immune response elicited by FLULAVAL, and there have been no controlled trials demonstrating a decrease in influenza disease after vaccination with FLULAVAL.”

That’s right, NO controlled trials demonstrating ANY decrease in your risk of contracting the flu at all after vaccination! (It also states that each dose contains a total of 25 mcg of mercury.)

For those of you who are still unconvinced, know that there’s plenty of scientific evidence available to back up the recommendation to avoid flu vaccines. In addition to studies mentioned in the video, here are several other examples showing that flu vaccines do not work for any age group:

• A study published in the October 2008 issue of the Archives of Pediatric & Adolescent Medicine found that vaccinating young children against the flu had no impact on flu-related hospitalizations or doctor visits during two recent flu seasons.

The researchers concluded that "significant influenza vaccine effectiveness could not be demonstrated for any season, age, or setting" examined.

• A 2008 study published in the Lancet found that influenza vaccination was NOT associated with a reduced risk of pneumonia in older people.

This supports an earlier study, published in The New England Journal of Medicine.

• Research published in the American Journal of Respiratory and Critical Care Medicine also confirms that there has been no decrease in deaths from influenza and pneumonia in the elderly, despite the fact that vaccination coverage among the elderly has increased from 15 percent in 1980 to 65 percent now.

• In 2007, researchers with the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious

Diseases, and the National Institutes of Health published this conclusion in the Lancet Infectious Diseases: “We conclude that frailty selection bias and use of non-specific endpoints such as all-cause mortality,have led cohort studies to greatly exaggerate vaccine benefits.”

• A large-scale, systematic review of 51 studies, published in the Cochrane Database of Systematic Reviews in 2006, found no evidence that the flu vaccine is any more effective than a placebo in children. The studies involved 260,000 children, age 6 to 23 months.

Last but not least, I think it says a lot that 70 percent of doctors and nurses, and 62 percent of other health care workers do NOT get the yearly flu shot.

The reasons why they opted to not get vaccinated were:

• They didn't believe the vaccine would work

• They believed their immune systems were strong enough to withstand exposure to the flu

• They were concerned about side effects

Might Influenza be Little More Than a Symptom of Vitamin D Deficiency?

Vitamin D, “the sunshine vitamin,” may very well be one of the most beneficial vitamins there is for disease prevention. Unfortunately it’s also one of the vitamins that a vast majority of people across the world are deficient in due to lack of regular exposure to sunshine.

Published in the journal Epidemiology and Infection in 2006, the hypothesis presented by Dr. John Cannell and colleagues in the paper Epidemic Influenza and Vitamin D raises the possibility that influenza is a symptom of vitamin D deficiency.

The vitamin D formed when your skin is exposed to sunlight regulates the expression of more than 2,000 genes throughout your body, including ones that influence your immune system to attack and destroy bacteria and viruses. Hence, being overwhelmed by the “flu bug” could signal that your vitamin D levels are too low, allowing the flu virus to overtake your immune system.

At least five studies show an inverse association between lower respiratory tract infections and 25(OH)D levels. That is, the higher your vitamin D level, the lower your risk of contracting colds, flu, and other respiratory tract infections:

1. A 2007 study suggests higher vitamin D status enhances your immunity to microbial infections. They found that subjects with vitamin D deficiency had significantly more days of absence from work due to respiratory infection than did control subjects.

2. A 2009 study on vitamin D deficiency in newborns with acute lower respiratory infection (ALRI) confirmed a strong, positive correlation between newborns’ and mother’s vitamin D levels. Over 87 percent of all newborns and over 67 percent of all mothers had vitamin D levels lower than 20 ng/ml, which is a severe deficiency state.

Newborns with vitamin D deficiency appear to have an increased risk of developing ALRI, and since the child’s vitamin D level strongly correlates with its mother’s, the researchers recommend that all mothers’ optimize their vitamin D levels during pregnancy, especially in the winter months, to safeguard their baby’s health.

3. A similar Indian study published in 2004 also reported that vitamin D deficiency in infants significantly raised their odds ratio for having severe ALRI.

4. A 2009 analysis of the Third National Health andNutrition Examination Survey examined the association between vitamin D levelsand recent upper respiratory tract infection (URTI) in nearly 19,000 subjects over the age of 12.

   Recent URTI was reported by:

   • 17 percent of participants with vitamin D levels of 30ng/ml or higher

   • 20 percent of participants with vitamin D levels between 10-30 ng/ml.

   • 24 percent of participants with vitamin D levels below 10ng/ml

   The positive correlation between lower vitamin D levels and increased risk of URTI was even stronger in individuals with asthma and chronic obstructive pulmonary disease.

5. Another 2009 report in the journal Pediatric Research stated that infants and children appear more susceptible to viral rather than bacterial infections when deficient in vitamin D. And that, based on the available evidence showing a strong connection between vitamin D, infections, and immune function in children, vitamin D supplementation may be a valuable therapy in pediatric medicine.

How to Prevent the Flu without Getting a Flu Shot

For most people the flu shot does not make you healthy; it does just the opposite and weakens your immune system.

If you follow a healthy lifestyle, you will not have to worry about getting the flu. Take it from me -- I’ve never received a flu shot, and I haven’t missed a day of work due to illness in over 20 years. The key steps that I follow to stay flu-free, which I suggest you follow too, include:

• Get plenty of sunshine, safe tanning bed exposure or supplemental vitamin D3

• Eat right for your nutritional type, including avoiding sugar

• Exercise

• Get adequate sleep

• Address emotional stress

• Wash your hands regularly

Related Links:

Do Flu Shots Work? Ask A Vaccine Manufacturer

Prominent Physician Advises Against Flu Shots

U.S. Government Ignores Flu Vaccine Death

source : mercola.com

Follow-up visit with onco

I had my check-up on 9 Nov, Monday.

As usual, I went for blood test on Friday. My veins are very fine and it becomes a challenge when I need to have my blood taken for testing. The female staff at the blood test unit at NCC are experts and have always been able to draw blood at the first attempt.

For some months now, there is a male staff member. My first encounter with him ended up with me having to have my blood taken twice because one sample clotted.

This time round, I was apprenhensive when I saw I was getting him again. He went for my inner elbow and no blood flowed. He poked and pushed around before becoming convinced that he was not going to get any blood from there, and had to go for the back of my hand which is more painful, and I was left with two puncture wounds. At least he was apologetic about it.

Cancer marker was 13.9, up by 0.1 pt since Aug 2009, but still below the normal of 25.

Wed, 4 Nov, I had noticed two tiny bumps on my right chest wall.

I told my onco about them. He checked and said, "oh, it's coming back". He suggested that I should start oral chemo, but I said no. So he said, how about hormone therapy, and add that it will help get rid of those bumps. I said no, again, as I wanted to kiv conventional therapy and monitor first.

Fri, 6 Nov, I had mentioned this to the AM, and he said it is not cancer. He said I must have taken too much fibre or cold stuff and that these are just some 'debris' or clotting that showed through the skin as lumps.

I had not been taking very much fibre, but yes, I have been taking a lot of ice cream lately. After abstaining for so long, I sort of went crazy over it and I am afraid I have been taking it quite frequently.

I am monitoring the situation closely, and I saw no reason to rush for chemo straightaway.

Friends - how far do we go?

Friends generally show concern for one another and support one another through thick and thin.

In reality, how far does one go to show concern and support for one's friend?

If we see a friend engaging in an activity which could pose a danger to others, should we voice our concern and risk incurring the wrath of the friend and the friendship, or should we play the all supportive friend, irrespective of right or wrong and turn a blind eye to it?

In the event that, owing to our non-interference, whatever we feared would happen actually took place, do we then see our friend filled with remorse, and for ourselves, wouldn't it then be too late to be guilt-ridden?

Maybe I have a highly imaginative mind or acute fear of accidents, that when I see a precarious situation, I could almost 'see' in my mind's eye the unpleasant scenario. This is why, due to my own fear and concern for others, I am prompted to take preemptive measures, so much so that sometimes I incurred the wrath of others. Advices are only such and cannot be enforced.

To choose between risking a friendship and watching others suffer, I would prefer the former.

How much concern should we show a friend that we do not intrude into their privacy? True, sometimes we become over-enthusiastic that we failed to spare a thought for others' feelings. Because of our concern and unwitting insensitivity, we unintentionally caused a seed of negative thought to be planted in other's mind. As a consequence, the negative thought turned into words.

When we are led to see things from a different perspective, that we can reflect on our actions, would not that be our reflection from a new perspective that may help us to change our course of actions? Or would that be a direct attempt to change our habits?

旁 观者清, literally translated, it means that a bystander sees a clearer picture. Very often, we are so engrossed with ourselves and our tasks at hand that we failed to see beyond that.

Frequently, we let our minds wander and we drifted. For me, I am thankful that I have people around me, who with timely intervention, led me back to the right path. Of course everyone has their own preferences.

We already have perfect compassion, perfect wisdom, perfect joy. We only need to settle our minds so they can rise from deep within us.

Life is an illusion, a dream, a bubble, a shadow. Nothing is permanent. Nothing is worthy of anger. Nothing is worthy of dispute. Nothing.

There are three ways to correct our faults: We can change through behaviour. We can change through understanding. We can change from the heart.

Watch your thoughts...

"Watch your thoughts, for they become words,
watch your words, for they become actions,
watch your actions, for they become habits,
watch your habits, for they become character,
watch your character, for it becomes your destiny."

When I first heard this quote, the words struck me as very meaningful.

How often we were driven into actions by our thoughts, especially negative thoughts that could turn the situation ugly.

We think of something and we kept harping on it, turning it over and over in our minds until it reached a stage where we had to release it by turning it into words or actions.

It would have been better if we could turn negative thoughts into positive thoughts, or alternatively let go of the thoughts.

In online forums, sometimes there would be postings of someone doing an act of cruelty to animals. Frequently, animal lovers who responded would be scolding, cursing or hoping for some bad things to happen to that person.

In situations like this, I find no difference in the respondents and the person who committed the cruel act. True, a person who did wrong lacked awareness and wisdom and will have to face his karma, as he has sinned through his actions. For those who wished bad endings for him would be sinning in thoughts and words, and if they had been face to face with the offender, they would probably have laid their hands on him.

In a scenario like this, there is also cause and consequence. The person who committed an offence (cause) incurred the wrath of others or ended up being punished by the law (consequence). If those others laid their hands on him (cause), they have to face punishment by the law (consequence). It would be a never-ending cycle unless we can break out of it.

Our mind is so powerful that if we do not control it, we would end up being controlled by it.

"Until he has unconditional and unbiased love for all beings, man will not find peace."