How Much Is Enough?

I did not managed to get all my full blood count reports. Of those that I have, they have shown my cancer markers to be (normal is 25) :
4 Dec 2007 - 69.3
15 Feb 2008, before chemo - 309
31 Mar 2008, before 3rd and last part of 2nd dose - 48.1
5 May 2008, before 4th dose - 20
26 May 2008, before 5th dose - 18.8
14 Jul 2008, after 5th dose - 16
Note : I had to have my blood tested before every chemo to check that my white blood cell count is not too low.

I always wonder how much chemo is enough for different individual. But I guessed as far as the oncos are concerned, their target is cancer cells and they will go all out to eliminate them. Nevermind the side-effects and complications, as they are not so life threatening.

My side-effects were normally delayed. Sometimes, about 2 weeks after the chemo, I started feeling very itchy on my feet, especially on the soles. My onco said that was caused by the carboplatin.

Once, my finger tips were so painful to the touch. It was especially difficult when I had to button my jeans.

The nails on my finger had also turned opaque. They looked as though they were going to drop off. I kept trimming them as they grow and eventually managed to trim away all the opaque parts. Even now, the nails do not look healthy. I have white lines and ridges across them horizontally.

I had felt a lot of improvement after the 1st 2 doses. I was still fine after the 3rd dose, even though I started having water retention.

After the 4th dose, I gradually started feeling more and more tired. The water retention had affected my legs as well. The skin on my legs felt tight and when I used my fingers to press the area around the ankles, they left marks.

By the time, I had my 1st half of the 5th dose, I was beginning to feel breathless. My legs were weak. I could not squat and if I squatted, I would end up sitting on the floor. When I sat on the floor, I could not pull my legs in to sit cross-legged.

After I completed my 5th dose, whenever I got up from a sitting position, I could not walk straightaway as my thighs hurt. At rest, even with my feet raised, my heels hurt the moment I put my feet down and walked.

My right arm broke out in rashes. I had blisters on my hands and they itched. It was a sign that I was having problems with my liver. My liver could not handle all the toxins from the chemo.

My kidneys are also affected and my back hurts.

I had wanted to stop at 3 doses, but my onco wouldn't allow. I had been considering the fact that I had been so sick before chemo and also that my was a relapse that had spread to my bones and liver, so I lacked the confidence to push for it.

After the 4th dose, I wanted to stop again, but my onco said, no bargaining, it's the board's decision. If I am not mistaken, that decision was made before I started chemo way back in February. All along, my response and progress had been so good, didn't the board think that this warrant another discussion? Who sits on the board anyway? Isn't there even a TCM practitioner there who can decide based on the patient's condition and reactions also instead of just on the blood tests alone?

Most of the people around me went like, just go ahead and finish it, afterall it is the last one or two. They are like the advocates of chemo and when I voiced my concern, I must have sounded like a detractor to them.