When I found the newest lump on 25 Nov, I was reminded of the last relapse, when the lumps were appearing one after another, that I lost count. The last time, it had started on the right chest wall and had moved to the base of my neck and upwards.
This time, my first thought was that it might spread to my brain given the aggressiveness of the cancer cells.
I had mentioned that the discovery of new lumps brought no fear, but frustrations and disbelief. Actually, it did bring on fear, but it was not the fear of death, rather, it was a fear of not being prepared for death. It was a stark reality of facing death head-on.
I admit that the last couple of days passed in a blur. It was like time was runing out for me and yet there are so many tasks that I have left undone. I was mentally going through the tasks and yet at the same time, I was aware that I may not have the energy and time to cope with the fight and the unfinished tasks. After I overcame the last relapse, I had eased off, became complacent and living life as normal as possible.
Uppermost in my mind was my children. I worried about how they would cope without me around. I worried about their health, their future, their everything. I had tried so many times to broach on the subject of death with my eldest, but he has always felt uncomfortable about discussing the possibility that my death may be untimely. With my girls, I had talked easily about my death with them. But I suspected that they were not taking it seriously yet, because they could see me still so lively and still nagging and scolding them.
I am aware that it is my attachment to my children that made me worry so much about them. I just could not let go.
Now, I must also instil discipline in myself, be focused and make it a priority to see to that 'to-do-list', just in case the AM was wrong.
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