Run for hope - getting fit??

I probably overdid it on Saturday morning. The muscles on both legs from the hips down to the feet hurt. Not all the muscles hurt at the same time, actually, for some it depends on how I moved.

So, today I stayed home to nurse my aching legs.

So much for training to get fit for the 4km run, looks like the quest is getting more and more unachievable.

I couldn't remember if I mentioned this before. Some months back, I met some cancer survivors and we found that those who had gone through chemo have weak legs.

We can't squat - we either sit on the floor or on low stool. Looks like the chemo messed up our joints, especially our knees. It is especially bad during the movements of squatting and standing up. Sitting on the floor with the legs bent in certain position would require much effort in getting into the upright position.

Getting off the bus after a long journey and I had to half-hop when alighting. And getting out of a car after a long journey is no breeze either.

More than a year after I stopped chemo, I could even feel pain when I applied light pressure just above the knees. I walked and I practised taiji, but I don't seemed to feel any improvement in the legs.

I don't ever recall any of the oncos telling us that chemos will weaken our legs. Probably they don't know about that either.

One year after chemo

My last dose of chemo was on 12 June 2008. It's been one year since and what's my condition now?

My memory is still as bad as ever and I supposed it can only go downhill as I aged.

The lymphedema in my right arm is still as lymphedemic as ever. I am more or less resigned to live with it for the rest of my life, as massaging and wearing a sleeve did not seem to help much and was only a temporary relief. Every morning, I wake up with a numbness in my right shoulder as though it is water-logged. As the day wore on and with the help of gravity, fluid seemed to move back down my arm and my shoulder is free again.

I realised I have also partially lost my sense of smell, the subtle ones, that is. But I could still smell the pungent ones, like smoke and my son's perfume. Not sure if it was due to chemo or because when I was on oxygen, my nose used to bleed and I always had to remove the dried blood from my nostrils.

I am still having digestive problems, which is my biggest concern as it could cause me to pass out, and I really hated that as I lose control over myself. I have to be very careful with what I eat, like avoiding food which are hard to digest, and also to ensure that my stomach does not stay hungry for too long. I have had several episodes of fainting spells and sometimes with excruciating pain in the duodenum. Very often, when my stomach feels bloated, I can also feel slight pain on the right side (duodenum?) of my stomach.

My legs are still weak, especially my knees which are tender when touched. I still require effort to stand up from a squating position. When standing up and walking away from a sitting position, the soles of my feet hurt.

I am still as lethargic as ever. I tire easily and need a lot of sleep. If I was out for a few hours, and depending on how much running around I have done, it would usually take me one to two days to recharge and recover.

The skin on my hands have become super sensitive, dry, cracked and itchy, even though I used cream and oils on them and also minimise washing as much as possible. I am still scratching them as I typed. I wonder if they will ever recover so that I can get on with the cooking, washing and cleaning.

I get slight breathlessness when walking up a slope or climbing stairs. The worst is when I rushed to catch the train. By the time I got into the train, I would really get breathless, almost "duan qi" and have to breathe like crazy for a few minutes to get my breath back.

Since January this year, I had a pea-sized lump on my right side above the elbow level. It is hard but not painful to the touch. The skin is always reddish and the lump has become slightly bigger now. I don't know what the heck it is - could be a cyst. Anyway, it's on my onco's records, and it's no cause for concern. I am monitoring it and it is not giving me problems.

Other than that I am doing fine and is out and running around. I supposed I just need to be patient and exercise more.

I have read from some website that sometimes it takes 10 years or longer to recover from the side-effects of chemo. 10 years, hah! Either the side-effects outlast me or I outlive the side-effects. Only time can tell.

Chemo effects

Chemotherapy's Long-Term Effects Can Last a Decade or More

A UCLA study has shown that chemotherapy can change the blood flow and metabolism of the brain in ways that can linger for 10 years or more after treatment.

This could help explain the confusion, sometimes called "chemo brain," reported by many chemotherapy patients.

Positron emission tomography (PET) was used to scan the brains of 21 women who had undergone breast cancer surgery five to 10 years earlier. Sixteen had been treated with chemotherapy regimens. Thirteen control subjects, who never had breast cancer or chemotherapy, were also scanned.

The scans took place as the women performed short-term memory exercises, and while they were resting.

The scans showed that there was a rapid jump in activity in the frontal cortexes and cerebellums of the chemotherapy patients as they performed the memory tests, indicating that they were working harder than the control patients to recall the same information.

The study also revealed that women who underwent hormonal therapy in addition to chemotherapy showed changes to their basal ganglia, a part of the brain that bridges thought and action.

Source : mercola.com

When my brain goes 'duh'

I have noticed that other than my memory lapses, I am also finding it hard to connect with people, meaning that I don't quite catch on with what was said, so much so that my responses are off and sometimes unrelated.

If it is an ongoing conversation on the same subject, I could still follow. But if it is a one-off unrelated question, usually a very general one, I find that sometimes I am momentarily stunned, that what comes out as an answer might cause the other party to consider as weird. And usually after some time, I would realise that I gave a weird answer to a practical question.

Not only that, I am also losing touch with common sense. E emailed from Thailand to say she may be visiting in June depending on the latest flu situation. I replied that Singapore has lowered the level of alert concering the flu virus, only to have her tell me that it wasn't Singapore that she was worried about, but the flight here. Duh?

I also find myself conversing in dialect or mixing Mandarin with dialect with my children, something which they could not understand, and I would only realised it when I finished talking.

I don't know if it's due to too much on my mind (overloading), menopausal, chemo brain, old age, or a combination of all.

Elderly?

I don't know whether it is due to the chemo or age catching up, but I noticed I am getting clumsy. I kept knocking things over, like there is a problem with the judgement of space allowance between my hands and objects.

While preparing lunch earlier, I knocked down a whole new bottle of sesame oil. I had bought it from NTUC yesterday and had chosen the biggest bottle there.

I had left it on the counter top after using it, with the intention of transferring some to a smaller bottle because I find the big bottle too cumbersome. Shuttling between the stove and the sink, I had sent it crashing to the floor, shattering the bottle and spilling the oil. Fortunately, most of the broken parts of the bottle were still held by the plastic wrapping which I had not removed. Still, when I looked against the light, there were tiny pieces of glass all over.

I grabbed the toilet roll and went on my knees (I couldn't squat due to the chemo) to clean up the mess. When the oil was all wiped up, I couldn't straighten up. Next, went the detergent and tissues, and followed by the mop. By the time I finished the clean up, my lunch was a soggy mess. I was hungry, so... The nice thing about this mess is that it smelt so nice.

Every Tuesday is elderly day at NTUC supermarkets. If you are over 60, produce your ID and get discounts on your purchases.

Some Tuesdays ago, after the cashier totalled up my purchases, I heard her mentioned something about 'elderly'. I went 'huh?' She explained that the elderly get to enjoy some discounts and asked if I qualified. I asked in return, 'do I look like an elderly?' She said 'hard to tell.' Hmm..... Yeah, I have lots of white hair but I still have some good years to go before I reach 'elderly'. In the meantime, call me 'elderly' if you want, but make sure you give me the discounts without asking for my ID, that will make my day.

If they don't ask, customers complained - elderly forgot and cashier didn't ask. If they asked, customers felt insulted. Looks like damned if they don't and damned if they do. Tough life!

Yeah, my hair has grown and I have lots of white hair too, thanks to the salt from the saline that was used with the chemo. My white hair has its advantages and disadvantages.

Sometimes, I get seats offered to this prematured elderly auntie, which she gratefully accepted, not because of her age, but because of her legs. See, if I stand too long, I have problems bending my knees after that.

On the other hand, I have salesgirls trying to get me to dye my hair. No, thank you, I don't need all those stuff. I feel good about myself as it is, white hair and all.

In fact, occasionally, I met this other cancer survivor at the market, and she always compared her hair to mine. She has no visible white hair, but her hair was scanty due to the damage caused by the chemo to the heart.

Another reason why I am anti-chemo - heart muscle damage or weakened heart.

Dull Brain

Nowadays, I noticed that my brain has become very dull.

I wonder if the chemicals and heavy metals from the chemo and all the tests are clogging my brain and made it sluggish.

Originally, I have never been very good at civilities, but now it seemed to be worse.

I noticed that on numerous occasions where an appropriate civil response should be expected from me in answer to a polite comment, I had always remain silent, at most giving a smile.

Sometimes, the reply was in my mind but not a sound came out from my mouth. It looks like there is some communication problem between different parts of my brain.

It is like someone throwing a ball to me. I can see the ball coming and I know I should raised my hands to catch it, but somehow there is no reaction from me and I just let the ball bounced off me. It is so weird.

Another thing is my memory. It is like a sieve now, full of holes. Sometimes, I needed to take something from the room, but after a few steps, I could not remember why I am heading in that direction and for what purpose. I had to retrace my steps and try hard to recall what it was that I was supposed to be doing.

Sometimes, I got my appointment times and dates mixed up too. Now, I cannot depend on my memory and have to check my information constantly. It is frustrating.