Compassion and self

Yesterday evening at about 5pm, I was at Ang Mo Kio bus interchange to catch service 169 that will bring me to the ayurvedic master's for my medicine.

As I joined the queue, a schoolboy was in front of me, and ahead of him were 2 visually impaired men. Right at the front of the queue were 6 or so commuters. Between this group and the two visually impaired men was a big gap.

The AMK bus interchange is air-conditioned and enclosed with solid walls and sliding doors at intervals for boarding. I realized that when the bus comes, those of us behind the two men would miss it because the two men would need time to make their way along the rails to the other end and out through the door, to the bus. The likelihood of the driver not seeing any more passengers behind the men is high unless someone informs him.

I was thinking of telling the boy to ask the men to move forward and close the gap, but he had earpieces stuck in his ears and was engrossed in his handheld gadget as well.

I was still deciding on my next move when my mobile rang. H had called to talk about my son's involvement in the charity drive to help the underprivileged in Nepal. Then, the bus came. It was obvious to everyone behind that the two men impeded our progress along the queue.

Then, we all left the queue and circled left or right to get to the bus. I was still on the phone while on board the bus. By the time I reached my destination, I had ended my phone conversation. It was then that I realized that I did not see the two men on the bus. It was then that I wondered if the two men had boarded the bus and if they did, had they alighted before me? I was seated in the front half of the bus and was so engrossed in the conversation that I had not even taken note of that.

After I alighted, I was consumed with guilt and shame. I was filled with remorse. I asked a man who had alighted with me if he had seen the two visually impaired men, but he was not sure.

I had erred. I could have told H that I would call him back, but I did not. I could have asked the driver to wait for the two men, but I did not. I could have escorted the two men to the bus, but I did not.

It was so ironical that I was talking to H about helping the underpriviledged in other countries, and yet, right there and then, I had sidestepped two underpriviledged fellow countrymen in front of me.

I was still full of regret as I type this.

In trying to find how to achieve a level of compassion so that it becomes a spontaneous act, and how I could move away from being focused on self, I googled "compassion and self" and found the following article.

Turning the Stream of Compassion Within

by Rev. Kinrei Bassis

When I first heard Rev. Master Jiyu-Kennett speak, the words that resonated with me most were, "Buddhist training begins with compassion for the self." At the time, I really had no understanding what these words meant. Being critical of myself was a central aspect of my personality. I saw this trait as a virtue being very aware of my faults would keep me grounded and real, and that it would be impossible to make spiritual progress unless I recognized what I needed to change. What I didn't realize was that being aware of how I need to improve my behavior did not mean I should be critical and upset with myself. My problem was I had no understanding of what it meant to be nonjudgmental.

Cultivating a nonjudgmental way of looking at things is the key to opening our hearts to real compassion. But how does one go about this? What should I do when I see that something is wrong? How should I approach it? What exactly is the compassionate mind rather than the hard judgmental mind?

In the years since I first heard Rev. Master Jiyu-Kennett speak those words, I have since learned that the mind of meditation is to see problems and failures without judgment. Not judging others but also not judging myself. If I make a mess of something, or if I am lazy or angry or proud, I am breaking the Buddhist Precepts. However, being aware of this does not mean I have to judge and criticize myself. There is not something fundamentally wrong with me; there is only a problem with my behavior. And here lies a subtle but important point: There is a vital difference between being aware of the harmful nature of certain patterns of thought and behavior, and having harsh judgment of oneself.

It is an inescapable aspect of reality that everyone is imperfect everyone is making mistakes and having difficulty in one way or another. I can always look at myself and see ways that I can do better. Yet if I begin criticizing myself, being angry with myself, or despairing with myself, it's very important to recognize that in doing so I am taking refuge in my deluded view of who I am instead of taking refuge in the Buddha. "Do not criticize but accept everything," is Great Master Dogen's teaching in the Kyojukaimon. In her commentary on that teaching, Rev. Master Jiyu-Kennett wrote:

Each expresses the Truth in his own way as do all things; they do that which they do in their way and express the Lord within it. Do not criticize the way of another, do not call it into question; look within it and see the Lord. Look with the mind of a Buddha and you will see the heart of a Buddha.¹

It is essential that we apply this teaching not just to our views of others, but to ourselves as well. I need to look at my imperfect self with the mind of a Buddha so that I can realize that this seemingly flawed heart of mine is the heart of a Buddha. If I am waiting for the day when I will see myself without flaws, I will never see my Buddha Heart. Looking back at my years of Buddhist training, I can only smile when I realize it took me many years to recognize that when I criticize myself, I am breaking the Precepts in the same way as when I criticize someone else.

Compassion is really just the opening our hearts to suffering without allowing our judgments to get in the way. If someone is suffering and we judge them, this closes our hearts and fills our mind with harsh opinions. Compassion does not mean we do not see the mistakes others make; it means we have sympathy and understanding for their difficulties, knowing we are not really different from them. We are all born and live in this human realm in which ignorance and delusion strongly influences our lives.

When I see myself making a mistake, I need to take refuge in the Dharma and do whatever action will result in good rather than more suffering. It is easy to get stuck dwelling on our unenlightened actions of the past. The absurdity of this is that we can easily stay stuck, dwelling on wrong actions while losing awareness of what the right action should be in the present situation. Faith in Buddhism is having faith in the fact that although the stream of karma that has brought us to this present moment has both good and bad within it, all we need to do is what is good in the deepest sense in the present situation. Just doing this is enough, moment by moment, day by day, year by year, life by life, to bring ourselves and all sentient beings to Buddhahood.

Key to attaining this perspective is to see all our wrong actions everyone's wrong actions as just normal karma that needs help. When someone is making a mess of their life or someone else's life, I can choose to get upset and judgmental or realize that their actions are the result of normal and understandable human karma, and then do whatever I can to help. And Buddhist training is just giving the most help we can within the limits of our situation. I always find that it is much easier to be upset with and judgmental about someone else's mistakes when I only focus on their seemingly wrong behavior. Yet if I gain a deeper understanding of the person, I find that the quick condemnation often dissolves, and sympathy and compassion arises.

When I look back on my years of Buddhist training, I can see how mistaken it was to be so upset with my own weaknesses. Once I gained a deeper understanding of my own karma, I saw how very difficult it was to let go of some of my desires and fears. Years of meditation has opened my heart and mind to recognizing how difficult it is for all of us to go through this human life, how hard it is to undergo this Buddhist training, and how difficult it is to take responsibility for our karma. Normal human karma makes it easy to indulge in blaming something, someone, or ourselves for our suffering, to live in a fog of ignorance. Instead, what we need to focus on is helping the karma that is causing the suffering. Offering that help to ourselves and others is the very ground of Buddhist training.

For example, if my house is a mess, I can be filled with judgments about myself or others who may be the source of the mess. That is how our judgmental mind approaches situations that it does not like. Training is about noticing that our mind is filling with judgments, but then letting go of them, and focusing on what we need to do in the moment. When I face a dirty room, I need to not judge why this room is dirty. Instead, I just need to clean the room. This is the work of a Buddha.

In the same way, it does not matter why my heart is not pure; it is the work of a Buddha to do whatever will help to cleanse my heart. Instead of being upset or angry my impure heart, I need to understand that this is what spiritual life is all aboutdoing the hard work of purifying my heart. I need to offer help to all the lost karma that is looking the wrong way for happiness. Rather than be upset with whom I seem to be, I need to awaken the desire to help my heart to turn to the Buddha.

The judgmental mind comes from a fear of whom we seem to be and fear of what this suffering world seems to be. The mind of meditation is the mind that is open and nonjudgmental. We trust ourselves because we trust that nothing in our karma stands against the truththat our real heart is the Buddha Heart. We trust that nothing can hurt our real heart no matter how the karma of our life unfolds. And we trust that the real life of the world and everything within, despite appearances, is the life of Buddha. When we see mistakes and the resulting suffering, we do not judge, but instead keep our hearts open and have compassion. All beings are just trying to be happy. Everyone confronts the same basic darkness, which is the darkness that emanates from feeling as though our deepest desires are not going to be fulfilled.

Turning the stream of compassion within is letting go of our opinions and desires so that the same compassion that fills the universe can also be experienced filling our hearts and our lives. Although it seems utterly impossible to believe, we are dreaming we are suffering, dreaming harsh judgments of ourselves and others, and dreaming we are lonely and separate beings. The life of Buddha is the all-embracing life of compassion. That compassion flows through everything, washing away all impurity, and allowing everything to find its true place in the great Mandala of the Buddhas.

Power of mantra and chanting

Ever since I became a Buddihist and learnt to chant the mantra and sutra, I have always relied on mantra and sutra chantings for peace of mind and to overcome adversities.

When I underwent surgery in Nov 2006, my mind was only occupied with chanting until the anaesthesia knocked me out. I had asked for Buddha's blessings so that my surgery would proceed well, and had then concentrated on chanting silently. My preoccupation with chanting kept me calm and I felt no fear nor anxiety.

When I was warded, hooked onto oxygen and confined to bed, my mind was preoccupied with visualizations of the Buddha, my Root Guru and my local Master and continuous chantings while I was drifting in and out of morphine-induced sleep.

My lungs were flooded again before I stopped my chemo in June 2008. My onco wanted to start me on another round of chemo with different drugs. I refused as I was aware that it was more chemo that caused my lungs to be flooded again and also because I was taking ayurvedic herbal brews. Subsequently, when I was fit enough, I joined my prayer group for prayers and meditation. I recalled that it was only my 3rd visit with them when I realised that my lungs had cleared. I realised that I was suddenly breathing better. It was something like a choked sink, where the water was slowly dribbling through and suddenly the chokage was cleared and the sink was emptied of water. Yes, I had been on herbal brews and even the AM acknowledged that the effect is very slow and takes time. However, I believed that in my case, the blessings, chanting and prayers helped.

Some years back, my son broke his left little finger in an ice-skating accident. He was put on general anaesthesia during surgery to reset the broken bone. A friend told me once that after a surgery under GA, her surgeon had difficulty waking her. Her sub-conscious mind had resisted until her surgeon used the magic words "it's all over", only then did she allow herself to be awakened. I was in the waiting area outside and it was near midnight. I recalled that I had wondered about the length of time the surgery had taken and had thought about what my friend had said about being under GA. I asked for Buddha's blessings and chanted and sent positive thoughts to my son for him to come out of GA as soon as the surgery was over.

Later, when he was sent back to the ward, he told me that when he awoke immediately after the surgery, the nurses were surprised and commented that he looked so fresh and very different from people who just came out of GA.

During his national service, my son was attached to the armoured infantry. As a machine gunner of an armoured vehicle, the upper half of his body would protrude from the vehicle. During one training in Australia, the vehicle he was in slid into a ditch and came to rest at an angle, just stopped short of rolling over. In an emergency, his buddy inside the vehicle was supposed to pull him back into the vehicle. In that incident, it happened so fast, nobody had time to react. My son said, in those few moments he thought he was a goner. Fortunately, the vehicle did not roll over, and he came back to me safe and sound and I learnt what had happened. I told him I had been praying for him for the whole trip. I had chanted and had transferred merits to him throughout his national service days especially when he had life-firing exercises or other outdoor activities that I considered dangerous.

Some of the mantras and sutras comprised of a few syllables, but some are a few hundred syllables long, and it takes efforts and constant practice to memorize them. Over the years, due to various incidents and my own health, I have managed to memorized some of them. I admit I have not been very consistent and hardworking in my homework and it is due to all these crises that forced me to be a conscientious devotee. It is like 临时抱彿脚 , and I am fortunate that with Buddha's blessings I am able to share my thoughts today.

My faith

There is a group on Facebook and called :
"I'm a Buddhist... and I'm proud to say it!!"
The creator is not Asian.

This is what was stated in the 'description' :

It seems like everyone on my friends list is joining some group about how much they love jesus, so I'm making a group to support the underdogs, and remind them all that less than 31% of the world is christian. So many people forget that there are hundreds, if not thousands, of other religions in the world that are equally, if not more, valid than christianity. Having studied the information and propeganda of every religion I could get my hands on, I came to the very obvious realization that Buddhists have been lightyears ahead of the rest of the spiritual world for a very long time!

I am also a Buddhist and I am also proud to say it.

After I left school, my first job was with SIA. The Christian cell groups were very active. I was young, just left school, naive and impressionable. I was persuaded by colleagues to attend church, much to my parents' disapproval. I was not baptized and stayed away from church not long after. I had observed going-ons which I had reservations about.

I recalled the group renting a landed property in Thomson and they were displeased when they found that another group had also rented a place nearby. I didn't understand what all the fuss was about, as afterall aren't they of the same faith?

Then, there were the sharing sessions, where some members shared how they denounced their former religion to become Christians. They condemned other religions and called some of them cults. Witnessing those sessions disturbed me considerably, which was a blessing in disguise for me as that was probably the push-factor that made me stay away from church, to my parents' relief.

My parents were Taoists and also engaged in ancestral worship. I had a strict upbringing and filial piety was the order of the day, and to treat my ancestors' tablets without due respects was something which I cannot condone.

Later, I realised that I always found comfort when I visited the Goddess of Mercy temple in Waterloo Street. I wanted very much to become a Buddhist and started looking for a master, nevermind that my knowledge of theories on Buddhism was practically nil. From then on, I had always considered myself a Buddhist, and I have also found my master through a primary school classmate.

This is just my personal experience with a particular church and a particular group of Christians and I am aware that this does not represent Christians nor churches all over. I do have Christian friends who respect my choice of faith and other religions.