I include here, in chronological order, E's condition from 4 to 13 April as reported by volunteers from CSX (Chang Shen Xue - 长生学) and WC, an NPC support group member.
Apr 4, Sun - Sms from WC : E is in pain. K thinks he can’t go in a taxi.
(Note : I had actually planned for E to receive chakra healing therapy at Kim Mui Huay Kuan from 4 to 8 April, 5 continuous days of therapy, as our teachers would be present. I had felt that with many years of experience each, it would be a good opportunity for E to make progress.)
After much persuasion from WC, K (E's mum) agreed to bring him for chakra adjustment therapy.
Apr 6, Tue -
4 CSX teachers from Taiwan + a couple of volunteers
Mr W, our principal teacher, gave him therapy as well while he was being transferred to the ambulance to be sent home.
More than an hour of chakra adjustment therapy
K brought E to Kim Mui Huay Kuan where CSX was conducting training for new students.
E was in a lot of pain and we had much trouble transferring him from the front passenger seat of the taxi to his wheelchair.
His skin had a tinge of yellow as compared to 24 Mar when he was at Gleneagles. He also had red spots on his head (rashes-?).
K mentioned that E started having fever in the morning.
E had to be treated while seated on his wheelchair.
2 CSX teachers from Taiwan attended to him.
Initially, E was very uncomfortable and kept asking to be sent home. 2 more CSX teachers from Taiwan were requested to attend to him and they were joined by a couple of CSX volunteers.
His condition stabilised and he fell asleep on the wheelchair. After more than an hour of therapy, he was sent home by ambulance.
Sms from WC : K said doc gave E 2 weeks.
Apr 7, Wed -
CSX volunteers : 3
About 2 hours of chakra adjustment therapy
They reported that he was fine.
Sms fr WC : TCM Dr Long saw E. Said E has a clear mind, his heart and lungs are good, so he still has a chance.
Sms fr WC : E sat on wheelchair. He could carry a packet of ensure milk in his hands and drink.
Sms fr WC : E wants to do chakra adjustment therapy although he could not explain why. Said his fever was brought down by chakra adjustment.
Apr 8, Thu -
CSX volunteers : 2 in the morning and 2 in the afternoon
About 2 hours of chakra adjustment therapy in the morning and more than 1 hour in the afternoon.
When the volunteers arrived in the morning, E was already seated on the wheelchair, and fed himself breakfast at the table. He could wheel himself around on his wheelchair.
Chakra adjustment therapy was done on him while he was on the wheelchair and he kept dozing off. After about an hour on the wheelchair, he awoke and requested to be transferred to bed, where he soon fell asleep while the therapy progressed.
The therapy session was about to be wrapped up when one of E's family friends came and K told the volunteers that they were bringing E for some bio-----(?) treatment.
E was fine throughout and did not complain of pain.
The afternoon volunteers said E reached home after 3pm. They did chakra adjustment for him while he was lying in bed and did not notice anything unusual about him.
Sms fr WC : E is in good spirits today.
Apr 9, Fri -
CSX volunteers : 2 started at 9.30am and were to be relieved by another pair at 11am.
The first pair started at 9.30am and the second pair was requested to go over earlier at 10+am. The whole team continued till about 12+.
When the first pair arrived, E was lying in bed and did not seem to be in good spirits.
He had a big red patch on his left hip.
Throughout, he could not fall into deep sleep and constantly complained of pain on his right ribcage and especially on his right lower leg and sole of his right foot. K switched on the aircon as E was perspiring and also she was concerned about the red spots on his head.
The second pair was scheduled to take over at about 11am, but had been requested to go over earlier to help with the other chakra points, spinal column and vital organ as E was in a lot of pain and the first pair had to help E manage his pain.
E’s pain was so intense that he even felt the pain when the energy flowed through him during the chakra adjustment. Also, his heart was racing and he was breathless.
The volunteers stopped at his request, and he was really down.
He had not complained of pain the day before, and he said that the pain was very mild the day before, but it was very severe then, about the same level as on 6 Apr.
He said it was because of the wheelchair, probably meaning the transfer between wheelchair and car. K requested for break from chakra adjustment therapy on Saturday and Sunday.
Sms fr WC : E is ok and in good spirits. He has settled down. He knew the pain is due to moving him on Thursday. Rash on head subsided.
Sms fr K : E is ok now, but still in pain.
K had requested for a break from chakra adjustment therapy for Saturday and Sunday.
Apr 11, Sun -
Sms fr K fwded by WC : K had brought E to Malacca today for TCM treatment as she said that E was in a lot of pain these past few days, and didn’t really want to eat.
Apr 13, Tue
Sms fr K : E’s pain has improved slightly and he does not need much pain killer. However, his red blood cell and platelet count is still quite low.
I understood that he had gone for blood transfusion while in Malacca.
Reflection :
Here are some of my thoughts on E's case.
1. As a cancer patient myself, I must admit that I failed to comprehend the magnitude of E's pain. As I was not with E all the time, I had to depend on K to provide me with updated and detailed information of his condition. However, I understand K's desperation and state of stress and confusion her mind is in, so it would be reasonable to assume that K may not have been able to convey the necessary information concerning his mobility and transfers in relation to his pain level.
2. It did not occur to me then, that the coordinator might have a list of volunteers that we could call on for help. It was a coincidence that the coordinator was also involved in organising the April 3 - 8 training class as well as helping young cancer patients in KKH. Initially, there was not enough volunteers to provide E with daily therapy.
With my limited information and resources, I had then requested K to bring E down to the adjustment centre in Kg Senang on 31 Mar, Wednesday, and subsequently to the training centre at Kim Mui Huay Kuan on 4 - 8 April. This request was made as I felt E would have a better chance where we have more experienced volunteers at Kg Senang, and at the training centre, where our teachers are available. I had also hope that E could have received 5 straight days of therapy from the teachers which would be a great benefit to him. For transportation, I had obtained information on a private ambulance that provided 2-way transfer at a very reasonable rate.
However, K only managed to bring E down on 6 April after much persuasion from WC. Now, I realised that it could be K knew it would not be easy to move E by car, but she did not specifically mention this problem to me. In fact, she told me that E could sit in a car with the seat reclined.
Nevertheless, even with whatever information and resources I had then, I felt and still feel that WC and I have done our best, especially WC, and that whatever decisions we have made or course of action we have chosen, they were deemed to be the best at that time and taken with E's interest at heart.
From E's case, every obstacle we came across and every step we took is knowledge and experience gained.
Showing posts with label reflections. Show all posts
Showing posts with label reflections. Show all posts
Saturday, 17 April 2010
Tuesday, 5 January 2010
How much time can we buy?
Recently, I asked the ayurvedic master about how long do I need to be on medication. His answer - 5 years. 5 years of ayurvedic herbal brews to build up my immune system to fight the cancer and to repair the damage caused by the chemo.
I have just completed 2 years of ayurvedic herbal medication and this alone has cost me about $20k. Another 3 years would cost me another $30k which means a total of about $50k.
It got me on some serious thinking.
Is it really worth it and how much time can I buy?
Given the nature of my condition and knowing that there is no guarantee against cancer, I am fully aware that there is a possibility that the cancer may return. In the words of my onco - it's a matter of time.
As it is, I now have 7 lumps that I am monitoring. The plus side is that other than occasional aches, I feel fine.
I had mentioned to a cousin that I may stop the ayurvedic medicine and just continue with my other alternatives. She suggested that perhaps I should downgrade to a smaller flat.
How much money can one get out of downgrading from a bigger flat to a smaller one?
My flat is fully paid for now and is therefore not a burden to me financially. If I were to downgrade, I have to pay back CPF whatever I have used with interest and whatever difference there is, it could not be so substantial and would have been gone in a matter of time. Plus, I would still have to worry about the instalments for the new flat.
This is one alternative that I will not consider.
Let's face it - I am already past the half century mark, and with no guarantee that the cancer will forever stay away, should I even consider bankrupting the family and become a burden to them, considering that my three kids have not completed their education and the eldest has just started university?
After the cancer and chemo had done their damage, I have a body that is not as fit as before. The Kota Kinabalu trip was a test of my physical endurance. While climbing up to the canopy walk, my knees and heart were stretched to collapsing point. While the other members of the group were having a jolly good time tossing comments back and forth, I could not even get a squeak out. Fortunately, or unfortunately, before I could determine whether the heart or the knees would give way first, the guide called for a break. Actually my heart cheated, because with my chakra attunement advantage, I had one hand over my heart.
I have just completed 2 years of ayurvedic herbal medication and this alone has cost me about $20k. Another 3 years would cost me another $30k which means a total of about $50k.
It got me on some serious thinking.
Is it really worth it and how much time can I buy?
Given the nature of my condition and knowing that there is no guarantee against cancer, I am fully aware that there is a possibility that the cancer may return. In the words of my onco - it's a matter of time.
As it is, I now have 7 lumps that I am monitoring. The plus side is that other than occasional aches, I feel fine.
I had mentioned to a cousin that I may stop the ayurvedic medicine and just continue with my other alternatives. She suggested that perhaps I should downgrade to a smaller flat.
How much money can one get out of downgrading from a bigger flat to a smaller one?
My flat is fully paid for now and is therefore not a burden to me financially. If I were to downgrade, I have to pay back CPF whatever I have used with interest and whatever difference there is, it could not be so substantial and would have been gone in a matter of time. Plus, I would still have to worry about the instalments for the new flat.
This is one alternative that I will not consider.
Let's face it - I am already past the half century mark, and with no guarantee that the cancer will forever stay away, should I even consider bankrupting the family and become a burden to them, considering that my three kids have not completed their education and the eldest has just started university?
After the cancer and chemo had done their damage, I have a body that is not as fit as before. The Kota Kinabalu trip was a test of my physical endurance. While climbing up to the canopy walk, my knees and heart were stretched to collapsing point. While the other members of the group were having a jolly good time tossing comments back and forth, I could not even get a squeak out. Fortunately, or unfortunately, before I could determine whether the heart or the knees would give way first, the guide called for a break. Actually my heart cheated, because with my chakra attunement advantage, I had one hand over my heart.
Monday, 4 January 2010
Can we ever finish all our tasks?
Some weeks ago, during a sharing session with my prayer/meditation group, I mentioned about the discovery of a new lump and my fears of running out of time and not being able to complete the many things that I wanted to do.
My Master said even if I were given 10 more years, I would still not be able to finish all the things I wanted to do.
It's so true. Firstly, it's a fact that we will never be able to accomplish everything that we want to do. Prioritise our tasks and get started on whatever needs to be done first.
Secondly, it's procastination. What needs to be done today should not be put off till tomorrow.
Probably live life like there is no tomorrow. After all, who knows what tomorrow will bring?
When my son was in primary school, I recalled his teacher making him recite a poem about 'tomorrow' for a competition. It's in mandarin and literary translated means 'tomorrow's song'.
明日歌
明日复明日，
明日何其多。
我生待明日，
万事成蹉跎。
世人若被明日累，
春去秋来老将至。
朝看水东流，
暮看日西坠。
百年明日能几何？
请君听我明日歌!
Meaning in mandarin :
明天过去了又有明天，明天真的是那么的多。
如果一辈子等待明天，什么事情都会办不成。
人们如果被明日牵累，春去秋来很快就衰老。
早晨看河水向东流逝，傍晚看太阳向西坠落。
人的一生能有多少个明天？请你听我唱唱《明日歌》。
Given my limited mandarin, a rough translation to english is :
After tomorrow is gone, there will be another tomorrow, in fact, countless tomorrow's.
If we always wait for tomorrow, we will never be able to accomplish anything, or will miss a lot of opportunities.
If we allowed ourselves to fall into the bad habit of the fact that there is always a tomorrow, time will pass very quickly, and in no time, we will realise that we have become old.
It is as though we only spent our mornings watching the rivers flow to the east, and our evenings watching the sun sets in the west.
In our lifetime, how many tomorrows can there be?
My Master said even if I were given 10 more years, I would still not be able to finish all the things I wanted to do.
It's so true. Firstly, it's a fact that we will never be able to accomplish everything that we want to do. Prioritise our tasks and get started on whatever needs to be done first.
Secondly, it's procastination. What needs to be done today should not be put off till tomorrow.
Probably live life like there is no tomorrow. After all, who knows what tomorrow will bring?
When my son was in primary school, I recalled his teacher making him recite a poem about 'tomorrow' for a competition. It's in mandarin and literary translated means 'tomorrow's song'.
明日歌
明日复明日，
明日何其多。
我生待明日，
万事成蹉跎。
世人若被明日累，
春去秋来老将至。
朝看水东流，
暮看日西坠。
百年明日能几何？
请君听我明日歌!
Meaning in mandarin :
明天过去了又有明天，明天真的是那么的多。
如果一辈子等待明天，什么事情都会办不成。
人们如果被明日牵累，春去秋来很快就衰老。
早晨看河水向东流逝，傍晚看太阳向西坠落。
人的一生能有多少个明天？请你听我唱唱《明日歌》。
Given my limited mandarin, a rough translation to english is :
After tomorrow is gone, there will be another tomorrow, in fact, countless tomorrow's.
If we always wait for tomorrow, we will never be able to accomplish anything, or will miss a lot of opportunities.
If we allowed ourselves to fall into the bad habit of the fact that there is always a tomorrow, time will pass very quickly, and in no time, we will realise that we have become old.
It is as though we only spent our mornings watching the rivers flow to the east, and our evenings watching the sun sets in the west.
In our lifetime, how many tomorrows can there be?
Saturday, 28 November 2009
When death becomes a reality
When I found the newest lump on 25 Nov, I was reminded of the last relapse, when the lumps were appearing one after another, that I lost count. The last time, it had started on the right chest wall and had moved to the base of my neck and upwards.
This time, my first thought was that it might spread to my brain given the aggressiveness of the cancer cells.
I had mentioned that the discovery of new lumps brought no fear, but frustrations and disbelief. Actually, it did bring on fear, but it was not the fear of death, rather, it was a fear of not being prepared for death. It was a stark reality of facing death head-on.
I admit that the last couple of days passed in a blur. It was like time was runing out for me and yet there are so many tasks that I have left undone. I was mentally going through the tasks and yet at the same time, I was aware that I may not have the energy and time to cope with the fight and the unfinished tasks. After I overcame the last relapse, I had eased off, became complacent and living life as normal as possible.
Uppermost in my mind was my children. I worried about how they would cope without me around. I worried about their health, their future, their everything. I had tried so many times to broach on the subject of death with my eldest, but he has always felt uncomfortable about discussing the possibility that my death may be untimely. With my girls, I had talked easily about my death with them. But I suspected that they were not taking it seriously yet, because they could see me still so lively and still nagging and scolding them.
I am aware that it is my attachment to my children that made me worry so much about them. I just could not let go.
Now, I must also instil discipline in myself, be focused and make it a priority to see to that 'to-do-list', just in case the AM was wrong.
This time, my first thought was that it might spread to my brain given the aggressiveness of the cancer cells.
I had mentioned that the discovery of new lumps brought no fear, but frustrations and disbelief. Actually, it did bring on fear, but it was not the fear of death, rather, it was a fear of not being prepared for death. It was a stark reality of facing death head-on.
I admit that the last couple of days passed in a blur. It was like time was runing out for me and yet there are so many tasks that I have left undone. I was mentally going through the tasks and yet at the same time, I was aware that I may not have the energy and time to cope with the fight and the unfinished tasks. After I overcame the last relapse, I had eased off, became complacent and living life as normal as possible.
Uppermost in my mind was my children. I worried about how they would cope without me around. I worried about their health, their future, their everything. I had tried so many times to broach on the subject of death with my eldest, but he has always felt uncomfortable about discussing the possibility that my death may be untimely. With my girls, I had talked easily about my death with them. But I suspected that they were not taking it seriously yet, because they could see me still so lively and still nagging and scolding them.
I am aware that it is my attachment to my children that made me worry so much about them. I just could not let go.
Now, I must also instil discipline in myself, be focused and make it a priority to see to that 'to-do-list', just in case the AM was wrong.
Thursday, 5 November 2009
Friends - how far do we go?
Friends generally show concern for one another and support one another through thick and thin.
In reality, how far does one go to show concern and support for one's friend?
If we see a friend engaging in an activity which could pose a danger to others, should we voice our concern and risk incurring the wrath of the friend and the friendship, or should we play the all supportive friend, irrespective of right or wrong and turn a blind eye to it?
In the event that, owing to our non-interference, whatever we feared would happen actually took place, do we then see our friend filled with remorse, and for ourselves, wouldn't it then be too late to be guilt-ridden?
Maybe I have a highly imaginative mind or acute fear of accidents, that when I see a precarious situation, I could almost 'see' in my mind's eye the unpleasant scenario. This is why, due to my own fear and concern for others, I am prompted to take preemptive measures, so much so that sometimes I incurred the wrath of others. Advices are only such and cannot be enforced.
To choose between risking a friendship and watching others suffer, I would prefer the former.
How much concern should we show a friend that we do not intrude into their privacy? True, sometimes we become over-enthusiastic that we failed to spare a thought for others' feelings. Because of our concern and unwitting insensitivity, we unintentionally caused a seed of negative thought to be planted in other's mind. As a consequence, the negative thought turned into words.
When we are led to see things from a different perspective, that we can reflect on our actions, would not that be our reflection from a new perspective that may help us to change our course of actions? Or would that be a direct attempt to change our habits?
旁 观者清, literally translated, it means that a bystander sees a clearer picture. Very often, we are so engrossed with ourselves and our tasks at hand that we failed to see beyond that.
Frequently, we let our minds wander and we drifted. For me, I am thankful that I have people around me, who with timely intervention, led me back to the right path. Of course everyone has their own preferences.
In reality, how far does one go to show concern and support for one's friend?
If we see a friend engaging in an activity which could pose a danger to others, should we voice our concern and risk incurring the wrath of the friend and the friendship, or should we play the all supportive friend, irrespective of right or wrong and turn a blind eye to it?
In the event that, owing to our non-interference, whatever we feared would happen actually took place, do we then see our friend filled with remorse, and for ourselves, wouldn't it then be too late to be guilt-ridden?
Maybe I have a highly imaginative mind or acute fear of accidents, that when I see a precarious situation, I could almost 'see' in my mind's eye the unpleasant scenario. This is why, due to my own fear and concern for others, I am prompted to take preemptive measures, so much so that sometimes I incurred the wrath of others. Advices are only such and cannot be enforced.
To choose between risking a friendship and watching others suffer, I would prefer the former.
How much concern should we show a friend that we do not intrude into their privacy? True, sometimes we become over-enthusiastic that we failed to spare a thought for others' feelings. Because of our concern and unwitting insensitivity, we unintentionally caused a seed of negative thought to be planted in other's mind. As a consequence, the negative thought turned into words.
When we are led to see things from a different perspective, that we can reflect on our actions, would not that be our reflection from a new perspective that may help us to change our course of actions? Or would that be a direct attempt to change our habits?
旁 观者清, literally translated, it means that a bystander sees a clearer picture. Very often, we are so engrossed with ourselves and our tasks at hand that we failed to see beyond that.
Frequently, we let our minds wander and we drifted. For me, I am thankful that I have people around me, who with timely intervention, led me back to the right path. Of course everyone has their own preferences.
We already have perfect compassion, perfect wisdom, perfect joy. We only need to settle our minds so they can rise from deep within us.
Life is an illusion, a dream, a bubble, a shadow. Nothing is permanent. Nothing is worthy of anger. Nothing is worthy of dispute. Nothing.
There are three ways to correct our faults: We can change through behaviour. We can change through understanding. We can change from the heart.
Life is an illusion, a dream, a bubble, a shadow. Nothing is permanent. Nothing is worthy of anger. Nothing is worthy of dispute. Nothing.
There are three ways to correct our faults: We can change through behaviour. We can change through understanding. We can change from the heart.
Wednesday, 4 November 2009
Watch your thoughts...
"Watch your thoughts, for they become words,
watch your words, for they become actions,
watch your actions, for they become habits,
watch your habits, for they become character,
watch your character, for it becomes your destiny."
When I first heard this quote, the words struck me as very meaningful.
How often we were driven into actions by our thoughts, especially negative thoughts that could turn the situation ugly.
We think of something and we kept harping on it, turning it over and over in our minds until it reached a stage where we had to release it by turning it into words or actions.
It would have been better if we could turn negative thoughts into positive thoughts, or alternatively let go of the thoughts.
In online forums, sometimes there would be postings of someone doing an act of cruelty to animals. Frequently, animal lovers who responded would be scolding, cursing or hoping for some bad things to happen to that person.
In situations like this, I find no difference in the respondents and the person who committed the cruel act. True, a person who did wrong lacked awareness and wisdom and will have to face his karma, as he has sinned through his actions. For those who wished bad endings for him would be sinning in thoughts and words, and if they had been face to face with the offender, they would probably have laid their hands on him.
In a scenario like this, there is also cause and consequence. The person who committed an offence (cause) incurred the wrath of others or ended up being punished by the law (consequence). If those others laid their hands on him (cause), they have to face punishment by the law (consequence). It would be a never-ending cycle unless we can break out of it.
Our mind is so powerful that if we do not control it, we would end up being controlled by it.
watch your words, for they become actions,
watch your actions, for they become habits,
watch your habits, for they become character,
watch your character, for it becomes your destiny."
When I first heard this quote, the words struck me as very meaningful.
How often we were driven into actions by our thoughts, especially negative thoughts that could turn the situation ugly.
We think of something and we kept harping on it, turning it over and over in our minds until it reached a stage where we had to release it by turning it into words or actions.
It would have been better if we could turn negative thoughts into positive thoughts, or alternatively let go of the thoughts.
In online forums, sometimes there would be postings of someone doing an act of cruelty to animals. Frequently, animal lovers who responded would be scolding, cursing or hoping for some bad things to happen to that person.
In situations like this, I find no difference in the respondents and the person who committed the cruel act. True, a person who did wrong lacked awareness and wisdom and will have to face his karma, as he has sinned through his actions. For those who wished bad endings for him would be sinning in thoughts and words, and if they had been face to face with the offender, they would probably have laid their hands on him.
In a scenario like this, there is also cause and consequence. The person who committed an offence (cause) incurred the wrath of others or ended up being punished by the law (consequence). If those others laid their hands on him (cause), they have to face punishment by the law (consequence). It would be a never-ending cycle unless we can break out of it.
Our mind is so powerful that if we do not control it, we would end up being controlled by it.
"Until he has unconditional and unbiased love for all beings, man will not find peace."
Thursday, 22 October 2009
Attachment and compassion
As a Buddhist, I am conscious of not forming emotional attachments and the impermanence of things. Still, when people whom I knew died, my emotions get a knocking, especially with so many cases happening one after another, that my compassion for them made me felt like bawling.
I have known most of them only for a short time, HH for 2-3 years, LY about a year, and the rest I have only met them a couple of times, and yet, I felt for them.
Death is one event every living thing, human or animal, or even plants, will experience one day, it's only a matter of time. So, why do I still feel sad at their passing? In fact, for cancer patients, death brings relief, it's an end to their suffering.
I realised that I am sad because I understand what they were going through, I saw their sufferings and their struggles, the frustrations, the hopes rising and fading, and the pain they had to endure not only from cancer but from chemo also. After going through so much and the brave fights they put up, death made everything seemed so futile.
LY was the first group member that I was following. I had not been fully aware of how serious she was and had been optimistic about her recovery. I had felt strongly for her that I cried when I saw her suddenly become immbolized, I cried when I saw her lying in the coffin, and I cried too when she was setting off for cremation.
I had felt strongly for Ja too. When I first saw her, she was cheerful and chirpy despite her illness. She had passed on just before LY.
When HH passed on, I had been more prepared as I had seen her decline. I had been steady through her eulogies, and only teared when her family members cried as her coffin went into the crematorium.
Maybe, it was not attachment, but rather, it was the compassion for them that made me felt in such a manner. But I admit that with LY, there was some attachment as I had missed her but am now coming to terms with it.
The more emotionally attached I am, the more I will feel its absence. I should be able to detach emotionally, only then can I feel peace.
I have known most of them only for a short time, HH for 2-3 years, LY about a year, and the rest I have only met them a couple of times, and yet, I felt for them.
Death is one event every living thing, human or animal, or even plants, will experience one day, it's only a matter of time. So, why do I still feel sad at their passing? In fact, for cancer patients, death brings relief, it's an end to their suffering.
I realised that I am sad because I understand what they were going through, I saw their sufferings and their struggles, the frustrations, the hopes rising and fading, and the pain they had to endure not only from cancer but from chemo also. After going through so much and the brave fights they put up, death made everything seemed so futile.
LY was the first group member that I was following. I had not been fully aware of how serious she was and had been optimistic about her recovery. I had felt strongly for her that I cried when I saw her suddenly become immbolized, I cried when I saw her lying in the coffin, and I cried too when she was setting off for cremation.
I had felt strongly for Ja too. When I first saw her, she was cheerful and chirpy despite her illness. She had passed on just before LY.
When HH passed on, I had been more prepared as I had seen her decline. I had been steady through her eulogies, and only teared when her family members cried as her coffin went into the crematorium.
Maybe, it was not attachment, but rather, it was the compassion for them that made me felt in such a manner. But I admit that with LY, there was some attachment as I had missed her but am now coming to terms with it.
The more emotionally attached I am, the more I will feel its absence. I should be able to detach emotionally, only then can I feel peace.
Saturday, 10 October 2009
Compassion and self
Yesterday evening at about 5pm, I was at Ang Mo Kio bus interchange to catch service 169 that will bring me to the ayurvedic master's for my medicine.
As I joined the queue, a schoolboy was in front of me, and ahead of him were 2 visually impaired men. Right at the front of the queue were 6 or so commuters. Between this group and the two visually impaired men was a big gap.
The AMK bus interchange is air-conditioned and enclosed with solid walls and sliding doors at intervals for boarding. I realized that when the bus comes, those of us behind the two men would miss it because the two men would need time to make their way along the rails to the other end and out through the door, to the bus. The likelihood of the driver not seeing any more passengers behind the men is high unless someone informs him.
I was thinking of telling the boy to ask the men to move forward and close the gap, but he had earpieces stuck in his ears and was engrossed in his handheld gadget as well.
I was still deciding on my next move when my mobile rang. H had called to talk about my son's involvement in the charity drive to help the underprivileged in Nepal. Then, the bus came. It was obvious to everyone behind that the two men impeded our progress along the queue.
Then, we all left the queue and circled left or right to get to the bus. I was still on the phone while on board the bus. By the time I reached my destination, I had ended my phone conversation. It was then that I realized that I did not see the two men on the bus. It was then that I wondered if the two men had boarded the bus and if they did, had they alighted before me? I was seated in the front half of the bus and was so engrossed in the conversation that I had not even taken note of that.
After I alighted, I was consumed with guilt and shame. I was filled with remorse. I asked a man who had alighted with me if he had seen the two visually impaired men, but he was not sure.
I had erred. I could have told H that I would call him back, but I did not. I could have asked the driver to wait for the two men, but I did not. I could have escorted the two men to the bus, but I did not.
It was so ironical that I was talking to H about helping the underpriviledged in other countries, and yet, right there and then, I had sidestepped two underpriviledged fellow countrymen in front of me.
I was still full of regret as I type this.
In trying to find how to achieve a level of compassion so that it becomes a spontaneous act, and how I could move away from being focused on self, I googled "compassion and self" and found the following article.
Turning the Stream of Compassion Within
by Rev. Kinrei Bassis
As I joined the queue, a schoolboy was in front of me, and ahead of him were 2 visually impaired men. Right at the front of the queue were 6 or so commuters. Between this group and the two visually impaired men was a big gap.
The AMK bus interchange is air-conditioned and enclosed with solid walls and sliding doors at intervals for boarding. I realized that when the bus comes, those of us behind the two men would miss it because the two men would need time to make their way along the rails to the other end and out through the door, to the bus. The likelihood of the driver not seeing any more passengers behind the men is high unless someone informs him.
I was thinking of telling the boy to ask the men to move forward and close the gap, but he had earpieces stuck in his ears and was engrossed in his handheld gadget as well.
I was still deciding on my next move when my mobile rang. H had called to talk about my son's involvement in the charity drive to help the underprivileged in Nepal. Then, the bus came. It was obvious to everyone behind that the two men impeded our progress along the queue.
Then, we all left the queue and circled left or right to get to the bus. I was still on the phone while on board the bus. By the time I reached my destination, I had ended my phone conversation. It was then that I realized that I did not see the two men on the bus. It was then that I wondered if the two men had boarded the bus and if they did, had they alighted before me? I was seated in the front half of the bus and was so engrossed in the conversation that I had not even taken note of that.
After I alighted, I was consumed with guilt and shame. I was filled with remorse. I asked a man who had alighted with me if he had seen the two visually impaired men, but he was not sure.
I had erred. I could have told H that I would call him back, but I did not. I could have asked the driver to wait for the two men, but I did not. I could have escorted the two men to the bus, but I did not.
It was so ironical that I was talking to H about helping the underpriviledged in other countries, and yet, right there and then, I had sidestepped two underpriviledged fellow countrymen in front of me.
I was still full of regret as I type this.
In trying to find how to achieve a level of compassion so that it becomes a spontaneous act, and how I could move away from being focused on self, I googled "compassion and self" and found the following article.
Turning the Stream of Compassion Within
by Rev. Kinrei Bassis
When I first heard Rev. Master Jiyu-Kennett speak, the words that resonated with me most were, "Buddhist training begins with compassion for the self." At the time, I really had no understanding what these words meant. Being critical of myself was a central aspect of my personality. I saw this trait as a virtue being very aware of my faults would keep me grounded and real, and that it would be impossible to make spiritual progress unless I recognized what I needed to change. What I didn't realize was that being aware of how I need to improve my behavior did not mean I should be critical and upset with myself. My problem was I had no understanding of what it meant to be nonjudgmental.
Cultivating a nonjudgmental way of looking at things is the key to opening our hearts to real compassion. But how does one go about this? What should I do when I see that something is wrong? How should I approach it? What exactly is the compassionate mind rather than the hard judgmental mind?
In the years since I first heard Rev. Master Jiyu-Kennett speak those words, I have since learned that the mind of meditation is to see problems and failures without judgment. Not judging others but also not judging myself. If I make a mess of something, or if I am lazy or angry or proud, I am breaking the Buddhist Precepts. However, being aware of this does not mean I have to judge and criticize myself. There is not something fundamentally wrong with me; there is only a problem with my behavior. And here lies a subtle but important point: There is a vital difference between being aware of the harmful nature of certain patterns of thought and behavior, and having harsh judgment of oneself.
It is an inescapable aspect of reality that everyone is imperfect everyone is making mistakes and having difficulty in one way or another. I can always look at myself and see ways that I can do better. Yet if I begin criticizing myself, being angry with myself, or despairing with myself, it's very important to recognize that in doing so I am taking refuge in my deluded view of who I am instead of taking refuge in the Buddha. "Do not criticize but accept everything," is Great Master Dogen's teaching in the Kyojukaimon. In her commentary on that teaching, Rev. Master Jiyu-Kennett wrote:
Each expresses the Truth in his own way as do all things; they do that which they do in their way and express the Lord within it. Do not criticize the way of another, do not call it into question; look within it and see the Lord. Look with the mind of a Buddha and you will see the heart of a Buddha.1
It is essential that we apply this teaching not just to our views of others, but to ourselves as well. I need to look at my imperfect self with the mind of a Buddha so that I can realize that this seemingly flawed heart of mine is the heart of a Buddha. If I am waiting for the day when I will see myself without flaws, I will never see my Buddha Heart. Looking back at my years of Buddhist training, I can only smile when I realize it took me many years to recognize that when I criticize myself, I am breaking the Precepts in the same way as when I criticize someone else.
Compassion is really just the opening our hearts to suffering without allowing our judgments to get in the way. If someone is suffering and we judge them, this closes our hearts and fills our mind with harsh opinions. Compassion does not mean we do not see the mistakes others make; it means we have sympathy and understanding for their difficulties, knowing we are not really different from them. We are all born and live in this human realm in which ignorance and delusion strongly influences our lives.
When I see myself making a mistake, I need to take refuge in the Dharma and do whatever action will result in good rather than more suffering. It is easy to get stuck dwelling on our unenlightened actions of the past. The absurdity of this is that we can easily stay stuck, dwelling on wrong actions while losing awareness of what the right action should be in the present situation. Faith in Buddhism is having faith in the fact that although the stream of karma that has brought us to this present moment has both good and bad within it, all we need to do is what is good in the deepest sense in the present situation. Just doing this is enough, moment by moment, day by day, year by year, life by life, to bring ourselves and all sentient beings to Buddhahood.
Key to attaining this perspective is to see all our wrong actions everyone's wrong actions as just normal karma that needs help. When someone is making a mess of their life or someone else's life, I can choose to get upset and judgmental or realize that their actions are the result of normal and understandable human karma, and then do whatever I can to help. And Buddhist training is just giving the most help we can within the limits of our situation. I always find that it is much easier to be upset with and judgmental about someone else's mistakes when I only focus on their seemingly wrong behavior. Yet if I gain a deeper understanding of the person, I find that the quick condemnation often dissolves, and sympathy and compassion arises.
When I look back on my years of Buddhist training, I can see how mistaken it was to be so upset with my own weaknesses. Once I gained a deeper understanding of my own karma, I saw how very difficult it was to let go of some of my desires and fears. Years of meditation has opened my heart and mind to recognizing how difficult it is for all of us to go through this human life, how hard it is to undergo this Buddhist training, and how difficult it is to take responsibility for our karma. Normal human karma makes it easy to indulge in blaming something, someone, or ourselves for our suffering, to live in a fog of ignorance. Instead, what we need to focus on is helping the karma that is causing the suffering. Offering that help to ourselves and others is the very ground of Buddhist training.
For example, if my house is a mess, I can be filled with judgments about myself or others who may be the source of the mess. That is how our judgmental mind approaches situations that it does not like. Training is about noticing that our mind is filling with judgments, but then letting go of them, and focusing on what we need to do in the moment. When I face a dirty room, I need to not judge why this room is dirty. Instead, I just need to clean the room. This is the work of a Buddha.
In the same way, it does not matter why my heart is not pure; it is the work of a Buddha to do whatever will help to cleanse my heart. Instead of being upset or angry my impure heart, I need to understand that this is what spiritual life is all aboutdoing the hard work of purifying my heart. I need to offer help to all the lost karma that is looking the wrong way for happiness. Rather than be upset with whom I seem to be, I need to awaken the desire to help my heart to turn to the Buddha.
The judgmental mind comes from a fear of whom we seem to be and fear of what this suffering world seems to be. The mind of meditation is the mind that is open and nonjudgmental. We trust ourselves because we trust that nothing in our karma stands against the truththat our real heart is the Buddha Heart. We trust that nothing can hurt our real heart no matter how the karma of our life unfolds. And we trust that the real life of the world and everything within, despite appearances, is the life of Buddha. When we see mistakes and the resulting suffering, we do not judge, but instead keep our hearts open and have compassion. All beings are just trying to be happy. Everyone confronts the same basic darkness, which is the darkness that emanates from feeling as though our deepest desires are not going to be fulfilled.
Turning the stream of compassion within is letting go of our opinions and desires so that the same compassion that fills the universe can also be experienced filling our hearts and our lives. Although it seems utterly impossible to believe, we are dreaming we are suffering, dreaming harsh judgments of ourselves and others, and dreaming we are lonely and separate beings. The life of Buddha is the all-embracing life of compassion. That compassion flows through everything, washing away all impurity, and allowing everything to find its true place in the great Mandala of the Buddhas.
Saturday, 25 July 2009
Reflection - anger management
My block has a rain shelter for people to board and alight from vehicles without getting wet. This shelter was added only in the last few years and unfortunately it is at an angle to the corner units in my block, mine included. Drivers have a tendency to stop and wait there with their engines running., and we end up having exhaust fumes coming into our units through the windows of the master bedroom, the kitchen and the bathrooms. This is despite there having a 'no waiting' sign.
This afternoon, a lorry pulled up there and the driver left the engine running while he chatted with a female companion in the cool comfort of the airconditioned driver's cab.
When the driver did not drive off or switch off the engine after a while, I went down and told him to do so in an agitated manner. He promptly complied without any protest.
While coming back to my unit, I realised that I had allowed my irritation at his inconsiderate behaviour to get the better of me.
On reflecting on my action, I realised that there are people who are engrossed with themselves and who may not be aware of their surroundings, and the effect their actions have on others.
This was not the first time that I had gone down to tell drivers to switch off their engines, and there are those who argued that it was only for a short while.
Still I ought to have better control of my anger. I am aware that, when I confront a person in that manner, I run the risk of getting a similar reaction in return, and the consequence could be an open confrontation, which would definitely be bad for all involved. And yet, I noticed that whenever something like this happens, I usually react with irritation, especially when I am reminded of the effect it will have on my children. I always regret when it is over.
I have been thinking, instead of trying to control my anger, I should remind myself to accept the fact that not everyone is conscious of their actions, that they need gentle reminders to raise their level of consciousness. Maybe, I might have better control of the situation if I practise acceptance first, then perhaps anger management could be more achievable.
So, remember, don't agitate myself to death. Remember, I am in a superior position if I can accept others' shortcomings.
This afternoon, a lorry pulled up there and the driver left the engine running while he chatted with a female companion in the cool comfort of the airconditioned driver's cab.
When the driver did not drive off or switch off the engine after a while, I went down and told him to do so in an agitated manner. He promptly complied without any protest.
While coming back to my unit, I realised that I had allowed my irritation at his inconsiderate behaviour to get the better of me.
On reflecting on my action, I realised that there are people who are engrossed with themselves and who may not be aware of their surroundings, and the effect their actions have on others.
This was not the first time that I had gone down to tell drivers to switch off their engines, and there are those who argued that it was only for a short while.
Still I ought to have better control of my anger. I am aware that, when I confront a person in that manner, I run the risk of getting a similar reaction in return, and the consequence could be an open confrontation, which would definitely be bad for all involved. And yet, I noticed that whenever something like this happens, I usually react with irritation, especially when I am reminded of the effect it will have on my children. I always regret when it is over.
I have been thinking, instead of trying to control my anger, I should remind myself to accept the fact that not everyone is conscious of their actions, that they need gentle reminders to raise their level of consciousness. Maybe, I might have better control of the situation if I practise acceptance first, then perhaps anger management could be more achievable.
So, remember, don't agitate myself to death. Remember, I am in a superior position if I can accept others' shortcomings.
Sunday, 14 June 2009
Purple hat
This is another interesting email from another friend.
1. Passing the Purple Hat to You
IN honor of women's history month and in memory of Erma Bombeck who lost her fight with cancer.
Pass this on to five women that you want watched over.
If you don't know five women to pass this on to, one will do just fine.
IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER - by Erma Bombeck
(written after she found out she was dying from cancer).
I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.
I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.
I would have talked less and listened more.
I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.
I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.
I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.
I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.
I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.
I would have sat on the lawn with my grass stains.
I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching life.
I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil, or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.
Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.
When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, 'Later. Now go get washed up for dinner.' There would have been more 'I love you's', More 'I'm sorry's.'
But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute.look at it and really see it . . live it and never give it back. STOP SWEATING THE SMALL STUFF!!!
Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more , or who's doing what. Instead, let's cherish the relationships we have with those who do love us.
If you don't mind, send this on to all the women you are grateful to have as friends.
Maybe we should all grab that purple hat earlier.
Please send this to five phenomenal women today in celebration of Beautiful Women's Month.
If you do, something good will happen--you will boost another woman's self-esteem.
2. KEEP IT LIT!
IN MEMORY .. . . . ..
These are the colours that represent the different cancers.
All you are asked to do is keep this circulating, even if it's to one more person, in memory of anyone you know who has been struck by cancer.
A Candle Loses Nothing by Lighting Another Candle.
Please Keep The Candle Going!
This one I do ask that you please send on.
By sending this on, you will think and realise how you'vebeen blessed, up until now.
This is a disease which affects all families... no one is exempt!
1. Passing the Purple Hat to You IN honor of women's history month and in memory of Erma Bombeck who lost her fight with cancer.
Pass this on to five women that you want watched over.
If you don't know five women to pass this on to, one will do just fine.
IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER - by Erma Bombeck
(written after she found out she was dying from cancer).
I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.
I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.
I would have talked less and listened more.
I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.
I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.
I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.
I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.
I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.
I would have sat on the lawn with my grass stains.
I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching life.
I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil, or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.
Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.
When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, 'Later. Now go get washed up for dinner.' There would have been more 'I love you's', More 'I'm sorry's.'
But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute.look at it and really see it . . live it and never give it back. STOP SWEATING THE SMALL STUFF!!!
Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more , or who's doing what. Instead, let's cherish the relationships we have with those who do love us.
If you don't mind, send this on to all the women you are grateful to have as friends. Maybe we should all grab that purple hat earlier.
Please send this to five phenomenal women today in celebration of Beautiful Women's Month.
If you do, something good will happen--you will boost another woman's self-esteem.
2. KEEP IT LIT! IN MEMORY .. . . . ..
These are the colours that represent the different cancers.
All you are asked to do is keep this circulating, even if it's to one more person, in memory of anyone you know who has been struck by cancer. A Candle Loses Nothing by Lighting Another Candle.
Please Keep The Candle Going!
This one I do ask that you please send on.
By sending this on, you will think and realise how you'vebeen blessed, up until now.
This is a disease which affects all families... no one is exempt!
45 lessons life taught me
I just received this from a friend and I find it interesting so am posting it here for sharing:
Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio
"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me.
It is the most-requested column I've ever written."
My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's,we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."
Friends are the family that we choose for ourselves.
Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio
"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me.
It is the most-requested column I've ever written."
My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's,we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."
Friends are the family that we choose for ourselves.
Wednesday, 20 May 2009
Reflection - doctors' attitudes
I am always of the opinion that a doctor should always work together with the patient and not on behalf of the patient in order to achieve the best results.
I do not like the idea of my doctor calling all the shots for me, with the impression that it was in my best interests. Doctors worked according to guidelines based on test results, but it is my body and I ought to know how I feel. There were instances, like the times when doctors were treating my relapses for hyperthyrotoxicosis, where I defied my doctors and was proven correct. Likewise, with my relapse last year, I stood my grounds against the ward doctors in Changi Hospital and again, I was right. That is why I would always ask for information, and if my doctors won't listen to my opinions or my progress according to my gut feelings, I would end up questioning my doctors' decisions.
Before my mastectomy in 2006, I was recommended a doctor in Gleneagles Hospital for a second opinion. He said he would not allow his patients to consume any traditional chinese medicine while undergoing chemotherapy. I decided there and then, that he was never going to be my doctor, even though he was concerned enough to get his staff to hurry me to go for surgery as soon as possible as I had a biopsy done more than 2 weeks before.
I respect the fact that there is substantial investment involved in terms of time and money before a person is qualified as a doctor. But, doctors should bear in mind that they are dealing with bodies that are alive, and that each and every individual is different, and that not everyone will respond to prescribed treatment accordingly. We are not lab mice or cadavers, but live humans with very individual lifestyles and diets. I am sure that there were cases to prove otherwise, but I don't know how or whether those cases were acknowledged.
It irks me to see doctors assumed that all knowing attitude, including that it is their prerogative to ask questions and the duty of the patient is just to answer them, period.
Doctors should be aware that in adopting an intimidating attitude, they will cause their patients undue stress which may complicate matters and may also have an adverse effect. A patient's mindset is very important in any treatment and it won't help matters if the patient become a silent rebel.
I observed that oncos in NCC tend to insist that their patients complete the doses of treatment prescribed and were very unwilling, or even refused, the patients to stop without completing the prescribed treatments, even though test results were favourable and patients felt fine. Their stand is that since the response to the treatment is good, so the treatments should be continued. I wonder if the reason was really in the patient's best interest or if it was to fulfil their quota.
I do not like the idea of my doctor calling all the shots for me, with the impression that it was in my best interests. Doctors worked according to guidelines based on test results, but it is my body and I ought to know how I feel. There were instances, like the times when doctors were treating my relapses for hyperthyrotoxicosis, where I defied my doctors and was proven correct. Likewise, with my relapse last year, I stood my grounds against the ward doctors in Changi Hospital and again, I was right. That is why I would always ask for information, and if my doctors won't listen to my opinions or my progress according to my gut feelings, I would end up questioning my doctors' decisions.
Before my mastectomy in 2006, I was recommended a doctor in Gleneagles Hospital for a second opinion. He said he would not allow his patients to consume any traditional chinese medicine while undergoing chemotherapy. I decided there and then, that he was never going to be my doctor, even though he was concerned enough to get his staff to hurry me to go for surgery as soon as possible as I had a biopsy done more than 2 weeks before.
I respect the fact that there is substantial investment involved in terms of time and money before a person is qualified as a doctor. But, doctors should bear in mind that they are dealing with bodies that are alive, and that each and every individual is different, and that not everyone will respond to prescribed treatment accordingly. We are not lab mice or cadavers, but live humans with very individual lifestyles and diets. I am sure that there were cases to prove otherwise, but I don't know how or whether those cases were acknowledged.
It irks me to see doctors assumed that all knowing attitude, including that it is their prerogative to ask questions and the duty of the patient is just to answer them, period.
Doctors should be aware that in adopting an intimidating attitude, they will cause their patients undue stress which may complicate matters and may also have an adverse effect. A patient's mindset is very important in any treatment and it won't help matters if the patient become a silent rebel.
I observed that oncos in NCC tend to insist that their patients complete the doses of treatment prescribed and were very unwilling, or even refused, the patients to stop without completing the prescribed treatments, even though test results were favourable and patients felt fine. Their stand is that since the response to the treatment is good, so the treatments should be continued. I wonder if the reason was really in the patient's best interest or if it was to fulfil their quota.
Monday, 20 April 2009
Reflection : When the fog cleared
I have a friend who maintained two blogs on the same subject - one public and one private. I had initially thought it would be too time-consuming, but after visiting his blogs, I am beginning to see the wisdom and usefulness of it.
In a public blog, one has to be careful with what is written, avoiding sensitive areas and taboo topics.
Whereas in a private blog, one can rant and rave about pet peeves, or write about your views and opinions about sensitive issues, or about memories close to your heart. Your boss upset you? - scold and call him all kinds of names in your private blog. Full of frustrations, let loose a string of vulgarities if it gives you relief (lol). Later, it would be wise to go back and clean up the mess a bit, I think.
I also find it useful as self therapy, like sorting out your thoughts and for reflections. Recently, I vented my frustrations in a post about receiving unsolicited advice and I thought I found relief after that. Later, I read the posting again and with those words staring back at me, suddenly I had different feelings about it.
With those thoughts clogging my mind, I couldn't straighten out my thoughts. I had allowed anti-sentiments to build up. But after pouring out my frustrations, it was like the fog in my brain had cleared. I could think clearly and could see other people's actions and motives from a different perspective, so I retrieved the post and still felt good about doing so.***
***I have been deliberating over this.
Yes, people around me let their anxieties and concerns for me get the better of them, but I have committed a greater mistake by letting my anti-sentiments get the better of me. However, I have been talking to other survivors and they felt the same way as I do too, i.e. the pressure and the stress and confusion. So, if I do not allow my feelings be known, I would be encouraging a wrong attitude. I also feel that people should be encouraged to be more knowledgeable before giving useful advice, especially when more and more people are hit by cancer.
For people like me, keeping a blog beats writing down everything by hand. By nature, or lack of effort, I am a lazy writer. My handwriting is like chicken scratchings. Sometimes, (quite often actually), I can't decipher what I have written. Sometimes when I am in the mood, I will make an effort to write nicely, but after sometime, I find it too laborious, and it's back to scribbling. Also, my train of thoughts tend to get disrupted and it would be a chore to go back and make corrections. With a blog, just go back and insert, delete, make corrections to your heart's content.
In a public blog, one has to be careful with what is written, avoiding sensitive areas and taboo topics.
Whereas in a private blog, one can rant and rave about pet peeves, or write about your views and opinions about sensitive issues, or about memories close to your heart. Your boss upset you? - scold and call him all kinds of names in your private blog. Full of frustrations, let loose a string of vulgarities if it gives you relief (lol). Later, it would be wise to go back and clean up the mess a bit, I think.
I also find it useful as self therapy, like sorting out your thoughts and for reflections. Recently, I vented my frustrations in a post about receiving unsolicited advice and I thought I found relief after that. Later, I read the posting again and with those words staring back at me, suddenly I had different feelings about it.
With those thoughts clogging my mind, I couldn't straighten out my thoughts. I had allowed anti-sentiments to build up. But after pouring out my frustrations, it was like the fog in my brain had cleared. I could think clearly and could see other people's actions and motives from a different perspective, so I retrieved the post and still felt good about doing so.***
***I have been deliberating over this.
Yes, people around me let their anxieties and concerns for me get the better of them, but I have committed a greater mistake by letting my anti-sentiments get the better of me. However, I have been talking to other survivors and they felt the same way as I do too, i.e. the pressure and the stress and confusion. So, if I do not allow my feelings be known, I would be encouraging a wrong attitude. I also feel that people should be encouraged to be more knowledgeable before giving useful advice, especially when more and more people are hit by cancer.
For people like me, keeping a blog beats writing down everything by hand. By nature, or lack of effort, I am a lazy writer. My handwriting is like chicken scratchings. Sometimes, (quite often actually), I can't decipher what I have written. Sometimes when I am in the mood, I will make an effort to write nicely, but after sometime, I find it too laborious, and it's back to scribbling. Also, my train of thoughts tend to get disrupted and it would be a chore to go back and make corrections. With a blog, just go back and insert, delete, make corrections to your heart's content.
Thursday, 31 July 2008
Reflections - Treatment Choice
I do not regret opting for alternative treatment after the surgery. I do admit that I underestimated the power and aggressiveness of the cancer cells and that I had let my guard down. Initially, when I had decided on alternative treatment, I met with so much objection, that it became so overwhelming that I actually felt the pressure and began to doubt myself.
Fortunately, I had some support, though few, they were the encouragement that helped me to stick to my decision.
One told me, "I support your decision."
Another said, "At least you are doing something about it."
I realised that a lot of us tend to thread on the tried and tested path. Where a situation like this is concerned, we dare not look at alternatives. We listened dutifully to the doctors - they must be right afterall, they are the doctors. However, I beg to differ. Sometimes, doctors can be wrong. By all means, listen to the doctors, but listen to your body as well. You and your body are one, pay attention and you will find that sometimes the body is sending messages. Unfortunately, most of the times, we tend to ignore.
If I could afford it, I probably would have gone for whole body hyperthermia in Germany.
Of course, conventional treatments should not be ruled out.
Take your pick and be comfortable with what you have chosen. Bear in mind that everyone is different and not everyone responds in the same way to any particular treatment. In some cases, it would be ideal to have the conventional and alternative treatments complement one another.
It is unfortunate that Singapore should model itself after the US in terms of medical treatments. Europe would have been a better choice as they do not limit themselves to certain treatment forms. At least now Singapore has recognised traditional Chinese medicine as a complement to conventional treatment. Better late than never.
This book, 'What your doctor may not tell you about Breast Cancer', by John R Lee, MD is an interesting read.
Fortunately, I had some support, though few, they were the encouragement that helped me to stick to my decision.
One told me, "I support your decision."
Another said, "At least you are doing something about it."
I realised that a lot of us tend to thread on the tried and tested path. Where a situation like this is concerned, we dare not look at alternatives. We listened dutifully to the doctors - they must be right afterall, they are the doctors. However, I beg to differ. Sometimes, doctors can be wrong. By all means, listen to the doctors, but listen to your body as well. You and your body are one, pay attention and you will find that sometimes the body is sending messages. Unfortunately, most of the times, we tend to ignore.
If I could afford it, I probably would have gone for whole body hyperthermia in Germany.
Of course, conventional treatments should not be ruled out.
Take your pick and be comfortable with what you have chosen. Bear in mind that everyone is different and not everyone responds in the same way to any particular treatment. In some cases, it would be ideal to have the conventional and alternative treatments complement one another.
It is unfortunate that Singapore should model itself after the US in terms of medical treatments. Europe would have been a better choice as they do not limit themselves to certain treatment forms. At least now Singapore has recognised traditional Chinese medicine as a complement to conventional treatment. Better late than never.
This book, 'What your doctor may not tell you about Breast Cancer', by John R Lee, MD is an interesting read.
Reflections - Diagnosis & Biopsy
When the surgical oncologist confirmed that it was cancer, I was devastated as I had been half hoping that it was only a fibroscystic lump. I had told a cousin that I was prepared for the worst, but I realised that no matter how mentally prepared I was when the truth was delivered, it was like a stunning blow. Fortunately I did not break down until the onco mentioned my children, only then did I had to fight back my tears. I found out that when one objected to conventional treatments, the onco will use your dear ones, especially the children to break down your defence.
After the initial shock is over, allow time to grief if necessary, but quickly master the courage to take control of the situation. I met a fellow patient who told me that she cried everyday for 1 whole month when she was diagnosed. She had an 8-cm tumour and had 11 out of 12 lymph nodes affected. She wanted chemo but could not due to some problems with the production of her blood cells. When she talked to me, she still appeared very flustered. I wonder how she is doing now.
Approach with a positive mind, do not let the cancer control you. Even with a confirmed diagnosis of breast cancer, there is still time to seek a second or third opinion.
In reality, it is very difficult to find a professional who can give fair advice based on each individual's condition. One either gets a pro-conventional treatment or anti, who are the naturopaths. Anyway, it is a gamble and it is up to the patient to take the gamble.
Open up and talk to people, especially those who have gone through the same experience. Go through the reports whenever you get them and ask the oncologists questions. I know that the oncologists at NCC are very busy and there are just too many cases for them to handle.
My surgical oncologist attends to patients in two or three rooms. The staff helped to prepare the patients in the rooms and as soon as she is done with one, she hops to another in the next room.
My mistake was in not talking to people initially and only restricted myself to very few people. Otherwise, I would have learnt that a biopsy is not exactly necessary as I had already decided on surgery. Whatever samples needed could be taken during surgery. I would have saved myself from unnecessary pain and lessen the risk of the cancer metastasizing.
After the initial shock is over, allow time to grief if necessary, but quickly master the courage to take control of the situation. I met a fellow patient who told me that she cried everyday for 1 whole month when she was diagnosed. She had an 8-cm tumour and had 11 out of 12 lymph nodes affected. She wanted chemo but could not due to some problems with the production of her blood cells. When she talked to me, she still appeared very flustered. I wonder how she is doing now.
Approach with a positive mind, do not let the cancer control you. Even with a confirmed diagnosis of breast cancer, there is still time to seek a second or third opinion.
In reality, it is very difficult to find a professional who can give fair advice based on each individual's condition. One either gets a pro-conventional treatment or anti, who are the naturopaths. Anyway, it is a gamble and it is up to the patient to take the gamble.
Open up and talk to people, especially those who have gone through the same experience. Go through the reports whenever you get them and ask the oncologists questions. I know that the oncologists at NCC are very busy and there are just too many cases for them to handle.
My surgical oncologist attends to patients in two or three rooms. The staff helped to prepare the patients in the rooms and as soon as she is done with one, she hops to another in the next room.
My mistake was in not talking to people initially and only restricted myself to very few people. Otherwise, I would have learnt that a biopsy is not exactly necessary as I had already decided on surgery. Whatever samples needed could be taken during surgery. I would have saved myself from unnecessary pain and lessen the risk of the cancer metastasizing.
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